About last year in October, I had my first attack. It was a long time coming, with the death of my grandfather earlier that year and the death of my father the year before that. I just shot up in bed one night thinking ‘wow, I have no idea what’s going to happen after I die.’ The thought was terrifying. I’d go days without sleeping for fear of not waking up, sometimes my attacks happened so often I’d be sick in bed for about a week at most, and it actually got so bad I couldn’t feel anything. My emotional state was numb, and anything other than fear felt surreal, like a dream. I’ve learned how to control it a bit better so I’ve got that going for me. It helps to write a note to yourself during the daytime or when you’re not currently under the influence of thanatophobia so you can look back at it later and go ‘Oh, okay. The person that wrote this was in their right mind, they’re telling the truth.’ I don’t know if it works for other people but I’ve made huge strides with it. One day, I hope to be at peace with resting in peace.
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