So where to begin? First off I should explain that as of this moment I am currently a 22 year old who lives with her little brother and her parents. As a kid I was both outgoing and extremely shy. I loved to make friends but I really only hung around one or two close ones. I was highly energetic and very intelligent (writing that, while true, makes me feel bad). I easily got A’s and flipped out the first time I got a B on an assignment in 4th grade. In a lot of ways I was pretty normal but then things seemed to just start spiraling down from the time I hit my 7th grade. In 7th grade we had assigned seating in the cafeteria based on our class and I hated it. I was forced to sit by myself and my one friend who tried to sit by me got in trouble because she wasn’t in my class. At this time I wasn’t just becoming depressed but anxious as well. You see there were also these two boys in my classes that would pretend to fight for me. They’d sit by me sometimes and grab my hands or arms and pull me into themselves as they fought for who got me. I grew increasingly uncomfortable and I had nowhere to go. I began to dread school and would actively have to stop myself from flinching when someone (especially males) hugged me. I didn’t mention this to our school counselor as the year before when I went to her about another incident (a girl had been picking on me which reached its head when she kicked me with her steel toed boot!) and saying that the girl has been having a rocky home situation and that ‘are you sure that you didn’t make her bully you?’. I felt alone, scared and hopeless but then at the end of the year mom became pregnant with my brother. For once I had hopes that things would be better. 8th grade passed and everything was mostly fine but then high school came. I was terrified, here I was at a new school and I had no classes in common with any of the kids I knew. I actually almost cried but it helped that I had a friend who was even more nervous than me. I had to help her. After that first week I felt back to normal but it didn’t last. The fact was my whole life I loved to act and write. My grandma and me would write all kinds of stories and writing made me feel close to her. Acting was something I have always had a talent in except now it was draining. Realizing that was awful and I began to doubt myself all over again. Fast forward to now and I honestly feel pathetic. I have never had a job (outside of scorekeeper for our HS basketball matches) and I don’t really have friends. I’m terrified to go back to college yet I’m terrified to get a job. The few jobs I tried getting said I needed experience and just writing it is causing me to freak out. I have never had an actual relationship because I am awful at communicating and I can never tell when a guy genuinely likes me or he is trying to make fun of me. I’m terrified that if I am in a relationship I’d be awful because of my ongoing struggles with anxiety and depression. I want to know what it’s like to just have a normal life without my anxiety, depression and fears getting in my way. I am terrified to let anyone get close because everyone always breaks their promises, yet I am terrified of being alone and people forgetting I exist. Every day is a struggle and it’s so hard to explain to my mom and dad that I really do want to go to school and get a job and maybe one day a house because to them it seems like I’m just lazy. I actually spent an hour agonizing on how I wanted to write this and what I wanted to get to but then I started to write and it all fell apart. Anyways sorry about my writing being all over the place but honestly I started to get really anxious as I wrote and so yeah.
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