A reader reflects on a pet’s death, uncertainty about “nothingness,” and distressing thoughts about the loss of sensation and existence.
This is a reader’s personal account, edited for readability. Ages and circumstances refer to the time of submission. It is not a clinical assessment.
A reader’s account
When I was little, I had a gerbil. He was cute as a button, and used to crawl all over me. Then he died. He stopped existing. He had once existed, but then he stopped existing. Living, breathing. Being. He used to be an ‘is’, now he is a ‘was’.
It frightened me, how he suddenly ceased. My mom had thrown away all his toys, so I wouldn’t get sad seeing his things. He just stopped being there.
I had to ask my mom about the gerbil, just so I’d know he hadn’t just been a dream. Death had already been explained to me, but that had been the first time I’d ever experienced it. My family, who are atheist, had told me that after death came nothing, and I just accepted the answer without thinking much of it. You were, and then you weren’t. ‘Is’ and ‘was’.
It wasn’t until my pet died, that I gave it some thought. If after death came nothing, then was the gerbil now nothing? The tiny creature I had held in my hands, the one with intelligence in his eyes, was now nothing?
What even was nothing? I pondered the question, and imagined what nothing would be like. No light, obviously, you wouldn’t be able to use any of your senses, right? It was nothing, no-thing. I had read a story about sensory deprivation, and the idea frightened me.
Question:
Is it even possible to have a fear of ‘nothing’?
A situation in which you can’t tell whether your eyes are closed or open, because there’s no light. No noise. The thrumming of your heart is gone, and you start imagining sounds. You can’t take a breath in. Your chest constricts, there’s pressure. You can’t take air, no matter how much you want to. You are completely numb and can’t feel yourself, or anything around you. Maybe you just can’t move. If you can’t feel yourself, are you even there? There’s nothing supporting you, it’s like floating on air. It’s
not cold, but heat is absent. No breathing in. No sounds. No light… because I’m scared.
Editorial note
This is a personal reflection on grief and existential fear, not evidence about what happens after death or about a scientific experiment. Different beliefs deserve respect. If thoughts about death or sensations of breathlessness become persistent or disruptive, discuss them with an appropriate healthcare professional.
An online story cannot establish a diagnosis. If fear or distress is affecting your daily life, a qualified healthcare professional can help assess it. Comments and readers’ experiences are not a substitute for individual care.
Wow. You described this perfectly. A fear of what is after death. The nothingness. Not thinking, not breathing, not feeling, not tasting, not living, not dying, not seeing. Not being. This scares me as well. Not just there being nothing, but for me not experiencing it, because I am part of the nothing. Not feeling anything. Not thinking anything. Not being anything. Nothing in life seems more terrifying that what is after. Or, what isn’t after. Because there might not be an after. It might just end. Just.. stop. Existence being undone. Your consciousness being unraveled like a sweater with a pulled thread. Unbeing. It’s the most terrifying thing. That you can’t do anything. Being less than empty. I think I got this fear from season one episode twelve of Adam Ruins Everything. I just can’t think about it anymore. All I can say is, this helped me realize that I have this. Thank you.
This gave me chills, no joke.