I’m always worrying, it’s what I do best. I guess it started last year when I actually started caring about my grades and my well being. You see, a couple of years ago, my best friend moved away to another state.. I was devastated. During this time, one of my best friends I’d known since we were both three had found someone else to hang out with, and I was then introduced to the feeling of being alone and abandoned. My best friend, the one who moved away, came back a year later due to some issues with her dad’s job and it got kind of better.. and then it got worse. I felt that if I did one thing wrong, even the smallest of things – that I would feel being alone and abandoned again. So I tried to make myself perfect. I started working harder in school, I tried looking presentable, I tried dieting (because I’m severely overweight for my age) but nothing was working. And don’t get me wrong, I would never come to the point of suicide, because I always believe that there is a way out of your hurt; but I would still sit in the shower, letting the water spray from the shower head, asking myself “What am I doing wrong?” and “Why me?”. I got straight A’s, I got invited to an awards ceremony, and me and my best friend started hanging out again, not letting go of each other in case she had to move again.. and that’s still a fear of mine. Then high school came. I was faced with those feelings again, I didn’t have anyone that I knew in any of my classes. Like I mean NO ONE. I went seven months without talking to either one of my best friends, that hurt, a lot. My grades were the only thing that was keeping me from breaking, the need and desire of being perfect. The wish of graduating college with no debt, the need of finding my true love, to have amazing kids.. it’s just the heavy cloud hanging above me. And I’m just waiting.. just waiting for the day when it all comes pouring down over me. I just finished my first year of high school and yesterday was the first day I got to see my best friend, the one who found another friend and left me, and it honestly took me everything to not just collapse, hang onto her for dear life and cry. Sure, you might be reading this thinking, “oh she’s so young to have a fear” or “she’s just confused.” But no, I’m telling you, I have a heavy cloud.. and I just need everything to be okay.
I can’t ever fail.