Throughout my life I have seen men walk in and out of my life. I have seen how they screwed over and used my mom. Just trying to take every little thing she had no matter how hard she worked for it. For a couple of years I always tried to figure out why I was never able to last in relationships. I would meet a guy and they would like me and when it came to dating, I would start to panic. I would make up excuses on why I shouldn’t like them, or I would think that they were just messing with my head and I’m going to look like a fool. That was never the case, I just ended up hurting him and myself. Just recently, I finally realized that I’m just scared of the same things that happened to my mom, to happen to me. I was daddy’s little girl and when I was around 5 he chose his pregnant girlfriend over me and wasn’t my dad up until I was in 6th grade. When he was finally coming around, I was confused and we would fight all the time because I couldn’t trust him. My moms second husband always screwed over my mom and I saw all of this. Many other boyfriends have acted crazy right in front of me and I always had to keep all those feelings of wanting to hit, scream, and cry in because I didn’t want my mom to see how hurt I was. I wanted to be strong for my mom while she was constantly apologizing and crying because she felt like she failed me. She didn’t fail me, I am learning from a young age, what I want and don’t want in a guy. However, her last relationships and previous male figures in my life have made me fear being in love. I want to love, i do. I want someone to love me and I want to love someone. But when it comes to being close to dating someone I start to overthink, panic, stress about every little thing, and then I start to want to cut it off. I try to force those feelings out and you can’t just do that because I’m the end I still get hurt. I guess in my mind when I get disappointed my excuse is “oh I knew that was going to happen” and I try to play it off, but low key I’m hurt. Lately I have been liking this guy and he is a flirt. I can’t take him seriously and just yesterday he was saying a lot of stuff that was confusing the heck out of me. Saying that he liked me and then saying “haha I was playing” or that someone had his phone. That was really messing with me and I started to cry but I was trying to avoid this hurt i was feeling. Once I figured out why I felt that fear I said that I wasn’t going to let it get me, I was going to face it. I wasn’t going to force those feelings out and then I ended up getting hurt and that really made me mad because I was trying to avoid that all my life and all along.
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