Deeply afraid of the dark but have my own reasons

This is a reader’s personal account, edited for readability and privacy. Ages and circumstances refer to the time of submission. It is not a clinical assessment.

Hello, I was 41 when I wrote this, and have been deathly afraid of the dark and what is in it since I can remember. I think I can recall back to age four or five, being too scared to sleep at all. All throughout childhood I had to sleep in the light, or not at all, or buried under a ton of blankets, immobile and trying to breathe through a little hole between my blankets because I was so scared. As a very young child I had an experience that I interpreted as paranormal and that remained frightening to me. I used to believe animals that would eat me to the bone could take over my floor and walls if I dared step down out of bed. I used to have to run to the bathroom, scared the whole way that I would die, and then back, turn off my light on wall and make a sprint to the bed. Until I gave up and began leaving lights on all night. My parents were very permissive and I really had no set bedtimes. Also I was allowed to keep my doors closed and lights on if I wished. I never once even mentioned my fear to my family, I simply suffered all alone as an only child.

As an adult, and am still scared to death every night and because I now live with my long term boyfriend who wants it darker at night, I have to compromise a bit. I leave one lamp on still, but the rest turned off and its too light for him still but I am too afraid with all off.

I am still scared even with one light on. I start to think the minute it gets to be middle of the night, evil things are there hiding, supernatural beings all around. And if I cannot quite see around corners or in closets I just know something is there. I am even scared to reach into a room to flip a light on, for fear my arm will be grabbed by supernatural beings. I have zero fear of robbers, killers, home invasion, stalkers, or any real life humans who are a threat. They never scare me at all and it never even crosses my mind.

It is all the other things I deeply believe in such as aliens, ghosts and spirits, demons, monsters of many sorts. Aliens especially because I had an experience with this at age 12, on a boat on a lake with several other people.

I also woke up one time with three long marks on my arm, extending from the upper arm to the forearm. I interpreted them as a supernatural sign. I was sleeping, all alone, no fire or issues at all, in a bed. The marks looked like burns or scratches to me. I could not explain them and did not believe I had caused them myself. I also did not feel I had received an explanation from doctors that settled my worry. This is my interpretation, not something the account can verify.

At age 28, I slept in a room that someone else died in earlier that year and I saw something one night that I interpreted as a spirit. It never hurt nor even acknowledged me, but scared me so much I left that place.

I also believed my childhood home was haunted because of experiences such as objects seeming to move without explanation. And I went to a High School that is known to be haunted as well, is featured in a few books on haunted locations in the USA, and even ghost hunters go there to see what is going on. Those experiences are why the beliefs feel so convincing to me. And I wish my mind didn’t associate fear and spirits etc. with dark and nighttime.

I have not slept in total darkness since I was a baby, so not in 37 years. Some nights I am scared enough that when I need the restroom I put it off out of fear, or I need to wake up to go somewhere before light out because where I live the long winter nights make those months especially difficult for me. I wish I could get over this, but the experiences felt real to me, which makes it hard to separate the memories and beliefs from the fear.