The fear of love (or falling in love) phobia is known as Philophobia. The word originates from Greek “filos” which means ‘loving or beloved’. Individuals who suffer from this phobia fear romantic love or forming emotional attachments of any sort. As far as unusual phobias are concerned; Philophobia certainly ranks high in the list. Often this phobia is known to have cultural or religious roots, where the person may have been committed to an arranged marriage and hence fears falling in love.
This phobia is more common in women than in men. The condition can greatly affect one’s life to an extent that it becomes difficult to commit or form healthy relationships. Such people tend to live their lives in solitude.
It is believed that England’s Queen Elizabeth might have been a philophobic. She loved and allowed several suitors to court her, but things never came to marriage or commitment. Historians now believe that her condition might have arisen owing to the fact that she had seen her mother Anne Boleyn as well as her cousin executed for love. The fact that her own father was responsible for the execution might have made her believe that all romantic relationships have a tragic ending.
Causes of fear of love phobia
Philophobia is an unwarranted and an irrational fear of falling in love. Sometimes, the sufferer does fall in love but it causes an intense emotional turmoil in his/her mind. There are many theories why this could happen:
- Some therapists believe that an intensely negative experience in the sufferer’s past might have triggered the reaction. Parent’s divorce, watching them fight or separate or witnessing domestic violence in one’s childhood might be responsible for this phobia.
- As stated before, many cultures and religions prohibit romantic love or term relationships between man and women as illicit under certain circumstances. This can cause intense panic in the mind of the sufferer since s/he firmly believes incurring the wrath of elders/society or God if s/he has feeling or thoughts about love.
- Fear of commitment due to a few failed relationships, constant negative thoughts, anxiety and panic disorders are also linked to this phobia. People who are overly anxious or high strung might be more prone to it.
The nature, extent and causes of Philophobia all vary from case to case and sometimes it is a real mystery as to why it might have occurred in the first place.
Symptoms of Philophobia
Philophobia symptoms vary from individual to individual:
- Some people are so afraid of love that they cannot open up to anyone. They do have committed relationships, but cannot maintain any of them.
- Their well being often depends on the responses they receive from the person they love. This can keep them high strung and anxious all the time. They may be extremely possessive or, conversely, they may drive away their loved ones with their detachment.
- One also experiences severe anxiety owing to the pressures of commitment: restlessness, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate, nausea, chest pains etc are a few physical symptoms that can be attributed to Philophobia.
- Panic and anxiety attacks are also common. These can be terrible since the sufferer often feels dizzy, or feels like running away, crying, shaking or sweating profusely or even feels as if s/he is fainting.
Fear of love phobia can thus be quite debilitating to the sufferer.
There are many ways of overcoming the fear of falling in love phobia. Self help books, talk therapy, psychotherapy, hypno-analysis, etc are a few effective methods that have shown proven results.
There are also several online and offline forums or support-groups that can encourage an individual open about his fears about love and commitment.
It is important to manage the anxiety attacks experienced owing to the phobia. Drugs and medicines may be prescribed; however, these aren’t a permanent solution. One must rely on other therapies that offer long term cure. Behavior therapy, meditation, neuro linguistic modalities etc are a few tried and tested means of overcoming Philophobia for good.
I’ve read most of these comments, and they seem a little dramatic, so I’m gonna be real right now. What the hell is the point of it? They all say that they love me, but they say it so early that it feels rushed. I don’t want that because then it won’t be real. It may feel real, but it won’t be. As a gay/polygamous guy, it’s hard for me to feel attachment, but sometimes I wonder if I should be trying to feel these emotions. I don’t wanna be hurt again, and I don’t want to hurt anyone either. I want to be safe from the harm that can come with a relationship, but I’m afraid if I can even have somebody to be happy with me.
Growing up, I saw my mom suffer because she was dependent on my dad. I saw her work so hard and yet criticized and blamed. I fear that if I marry, I’ll end up being a slave. Hence the fear to feel something for someone. What do I do? The moment someone tries to get close to me, I get scared. Please help.
Stop, you’re not your mom. Just open up and love. You are punishing yourself for something you had no control of, and you are the one missing out.
Most women nowadays are nothing at all like the old days when they were so much nicer and very easy to meet compared to the real horrible ones that are out there these days unfortunately.
This friend of mine has a crush on me and he wanted me to become his girlfriend and when I told him I feel too young he said he will wait and he doesn’t care how long it will take. I’m scared what if I cant love him, I don’t know if I want to love him! All my friends don’t understand, they say “It will be fine” or something. He wants to know more about me every day and is flirting with me and I just want to cry! How do I tell him “I don’t want this, I’m scared!” He really likes me and I don’t know how I feel. I cant seem to love any boys back when they tell me: “I have a crush on you.”
I’m 22 right now, and yet I still suffer from the same problem as you. It’s such a huge relief to know that there’s someone like you out there because I feel so isolated with this issue. I feel like no one else will truly understand this fear like we do. Even when I complain about guys showing interest in me to my family, they only laugh and tell me how “flattering” I should feel. The horror is real. Many of us are taught how to deal with people who don’t like us, but not many of us are taught how to deal with people who like us. I’ve even had times where I felt like my fear of love was invalid and stupid because why would anyone be afraid of being liked?
I grew up watching my parents fighting. They didn’t love each other they just got married cause my mom got pregnant with me. I have an older brother and sister from my mom’s side but they have different dads. My dad wasn’t good to them and sometimes he would hit them. So they didn’t like me and I was always by myself. My mother was always with them cause she felt they didn’t have anyone. My dad was always working so I hardly saw him. He was always nice to me and I know he loved me but he was hardly there. So I was lonely and I didn’t have any friends at school either. They also didn’t like me so I got bullied a lot. I can’t believe anyone when they say they love me. And I can’t trust anyone with my love. I haven’t told anyone I loved them in a long time. It scares me every time I think about loving someone cause every time I have, they broke me. I don’t want to feel that pain again. I don’t want to give anyone the power to hurt me ever again. I feel that if I ever say those three words to someone again, I would be defenseless. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to believe that someone loves me.
Most women nowadays are very difficult to meet for many of us serious single guys really looking, since most women have so many high unrealistic expectations and standards that they never had back in the past. So the fear of being single and alone is very real for many of us guys, unlike in the past when love really did come very easy. Our family members were lucky in those days.
I don’t think any of this is true tbh. Loving was no easier in the past than it is now, furthermore, just seeing the term “most women”, being coined in response to a discussion centered around such an elaborate emotion, that can differ greatly from person to person. Just seems dim and non factual, sorry to be so blunt my man.
Today I want to share my story, because I have been keeping it in for so long that it has become painful and suffocating.
When I was in 6th grade I met a boy who was new to the school, we were in the same. At that moment I didn’t think too much about him since he wasn’t the only new student.
But as time went on I started developing feelings for him, he was different from the other boys, he was smart and mature.
After I had accepted the fact that I liked him I told my group of friends. Eventually he found out, but he acted as if he didn’t know. As time went on my feelings became stronger.
Then at some point he started talking to me a lot, but what I didn’t realize was that almost every time he talked to me was about classwork. After some time of my friends begged him to confess who he liked. He confessed that he liked one of my friends.
Everyone was cheering for them and I just froze there without being able to believe it. I had to keep a smile in front of everyone. Then they started flirting. When I got on the bus to get home I broke into tears from the pain and disappointment.
The rest of the year went on like that. We were now in 7th grade and I was in a different class from my friends and the guy I liked. Everything was going well till I found out that my friend and my crush were officially dating. I remember feeling so much pain, I wanted to die.
After some time I found out my friend and my crush broke up. Then my crush started to approach me, and I was so blinded by “love” that I fell for his trap. Then we started going out. I didn’t feel guilty for going out with him because I thought I deserved it because my friend knew I liked him and still decided to go out with him, but clearly it was a big mistake that I always regret.
I was so happy it felt as if I was on cloud 9. But after a short time one of his friends sent me a message saying that he didn’t want to go out with me anymore. And that he had only gone out with me because he wanted to make my friend jealous for breaking up with him, and that I was flat.
I was destroyed by this confession, it felt so suffocating. I cried for so many days and I was angry that he didn’t even have the courage to send me a message himself. And I also developed an anxiety with my body. I started to tie sweaters around my waist to cover my behind, and started doing squats.
After some time he started going out with my friend, it was very painful. But then he started messaging me saying that he was sorry for everything and that he still had feelings for me and that he wasn’t going out with my friend and like an idiot I fell again.
Then after some time a new girl came. She was very pretty. And he suddenly broke up with me and started going after her. I was so angry and hurt but at this point I was used to it.
But I was so furious and to “prove” to him that it didn’t hurt me I started going out with another guy. But for as hard as I tried I couldn’t develop any feelings for the new guy so after two weeks we broke up.
We were in 8th grade and again in different classes. There were new students and among them was a boy who confessed to me, but I told him I would think about it. Then the guy I liked started approaching me again and in fear that I would fall for his trap again I started going out with the guy who confessed to me.
At the beginning everything was alright but then I started realizing that I didn’t see him in a romantic way and it became suffocating to keep a relationship where I didn’t feel anything. After some time I broke up with him and in that year a lot of guys confessed to me but I rejected all of them.
At this point I realize that the guy I liked broke me so much to the point where I can’t fall in love. Actually I don’t even believe in love. Every time I hear things about romance or love it just sounds repulsive and disgusting to me.
That’s very sad; I, too, had a long drama of toxic love. I hope you’re doing better. Are you able to love now?
Anonymous Telling The Real Truth says
With most women being so very horrible to meet nowadays which is why a lot of us good single men can’t find love today. Most women are very high maintenance, independent, since they really don’t want a man, very selfish, greedy, spoiled, picky, narcissists, cheaters, gold diggers. They sleep around so much that they can’t even commit to only one man at all, and let’s not forget how very money hungry that most women are these days as well. Real total losers altogether which is why so many of us men are still single now since Feminism is everywhere as well.
So basically we have turned the tables on men, doing to them what they have been doing to women since the beginning of time, and men have found that they don’t like it. Shocker.
Claire Dunne says
These ‘good men – launching into diatribes of re: the shortcomings of women! And they wonder why they are alone. Do they not notice that relaxed and confident men don’t have these issues.
There are horrible men and women in this world, neither gender can be put together in the same melting pot. And men haven’t been doing this to women since the beginning of time, there have been countless cultures and different hierarchies of men or women over the past 250 million years. Recent times have seen this overwhelming sense of men dominance over women, but men in positions to be so cruel have also suppressed and absolved the men that didn’t want to be them. You should widen your biased thinking. Retaliation to an idiotic statement with another idiotic statement just perpetuates the cycle of falsehoods.
You two would make a good couple.
This is so wrong bro. I used to think like this when I was younger. Believe me, it gets you nowhere. You need to realize that this subject is really not worth your inflated hatred. A good place to start is not use the term “most women”. There’s very few places that this term can be used, and the personalities of women is not one of them. Yeah the odd women here and there can be horrible human beings, but it’s part of human nature sometimes, men and women both share it.
It’s sad to hear that. I’m a woman, but it looks like we’re suffering on different parallels. You want a relationship with someone, but you have a hard time finding and pursuing someone. I want to remain single and alone because of philophobia, but I suffer from others coming after me.
I am scared of the fact he loves me too much. He has so much faith in me, I feel like he has put me on a pedestal of unbreakable and I don’t think I can live up to his expectations. I am only human and when I talk to him he just kinda puts all the problems there for me to fix alone. We have 7 kids but I seriously want to run away, not from the kids or because of the kids but because I’m not in love anymore and if I leave it will crush him. I am so confused as to what I’m supposed to do. Can anyone help me?
Hey, I know it’s tough for you especially when you have 7 kids with you but I know you can endure all the difficulties you have today. But it depends on you if you are just giving up on what have you have already done in the past and I don’t think giving up is the solution to everything. I think it is the opposite of that never giving and always have hope for the better tomorrow is better than crying at your bedroom and blame yourself for everything about what just happened. Nobody is perfect in this world and I think you know that. But we do all have our own responsibilities in life and we just don’t ignore it like it was nothing, but at the end we will be suffering from what we have done back then but it doesn’t make us who we are today because the future is in our hands and it’s controlled by anyone. You must believe in yourself, don’t let others define who you are.
I was punished for telling a girl I liked her in 2nd grade. I did nothing except tell her I liked her, and the teacher made me write lines and forbade me from talking to her.
In 5th grade a girl said she hated me, I was ugly, and no girl would ever like me. I don’t know why she said that because I had never done anything to her or even talked with her before. I never showed any interest in her. She just felt like she needed to insult me.
In 7th and 8th grade several girls pretended to like me and even asked me out, only to laugh at me if I was stupid enough to believe they actually meant it. They’d do this in front of people and tell the whole school about it.
At this point I had to learn to completely ignore girls for my own safety. I did so, and got very good at it. High School was better, but I never said one word to any girl and I avoided them like the plague.
In college there were many nice women, but I had no social skills and therefore no confidence. I didn’t go on a single date. As far as I’m aware, not a single woman expressed interest in me or gave any indication she’d like to be friends with me. Of course I wasn’t looking, so I may have missed a sign.
I married the first woman to ever show an interest in me. I wanted to have kids, and I thought I loved her. Now I know we did not ever really love each other. She developed a mental illness and began criticizing everything I did. She said I was a terrible husband even though I made 6 figures (she didn’t work), did all the housework and yardwork, ran all the errands, and took care of the kids when I was home. Nothing I did was ever enough. She had an affair and divorced me, and I was so happy when she left. The kids stayed with me and I raised them. They are both happy and successful college graduates.
I am 52 years old now and women have been nothing but a source of pain in my life. I want nothing to do with them. Now I’m being criticized for ignoring them, but I have to ignore them because that’s the only way to keep myself safe. I’m only happy when I’m home, the door is shut, the phone is turned off, and no woman can contact me or bother me.
I don’t know if I have this phobia, but I do know that I will never, ever allow a woman into my life. I’m told they’re not all like that. Logic says that could be true. But I have never had any experience with any woman that did not cause me pain. Never. So please understand why I will never allow one into my life. It’s so much better that way.
I’m sorry to hear but I am glad you’re open to share and I would like to apologize for those ignorant, selfless females that did you dirty for NO reason at all, you seem to be a good guy and nowadays you rarely see that. I am only 20 and I am here currently battling this Phobia and I’m wondering now if I even want to anymore. Seems life is better alone. Thanks again for sharing.
Hello John, I don’t think giving up on loving someone else is a good idea, but I understand if you don’t want another woman in your life. But you don’t just find love from the other person, but you can find it from yourself because loving yourself is the first step to share the love with others. If you don’t love yourself who else will love you? And try to love your family first and appreciate the little things that make you happy and you will eventually find something that really makes you happy and if you are happy for what you have in life then it would be easier for you to find love. :)
I’m a 22-year-old female, and I understand your struggle in a similar manner. Since I was born, I’ve always had daddy’s issues, and while growing up, I’ve carried a long list of bad experiences of unrequited love with younger guys and older men. I did have male classmates, who were friendly and never crushed on me, but we were never close, and we don’t talk anymore. Now that I’m no longer in school and never had a guy friend, I’m anxious around any male that’s not part of my biological family. I’m so sorry you had to go through such a life. To be brutally honest, I don’t want to carry this fear on men all the way into my 50s. I want to see men like how I see women: humans who should be known for who they are and who they choose to be.
Most women nowadays aren’t like the past at all which is why it is very difficult for many of us single men to find love. Back then it definitely would’ve been much easier with no problem at all either. Most women have really changed today from the old days unfortunately.
As a woman, I’m really glad that I’m not from back in the days. I’m grateful that I have more freedom in picking my lifestyle. Unfortunately for you, but fortunately for me.
Very true but unfortunately that’s why I don’t love again. I’ve been hurt twice, not gunning for a third try at it. Maybe irrational but I’d rather be alone than get hurt again.
You sound like an incel.
That’s really funny. I’ve been involved with two guys, and guess what, after admitting that both likes me, they were still afraid to commit to a relationship. One because the last one he had ended up in a big mess and the second he believed so much in the hook up culture. I dated them for almost a year. Now you say women have changed, when the men are still the same. All want no strings attached.
As a woman, I also agree that females may overlook a man’s strength and great qualities. Even if I was a guy, I wouldn’t know how to attract women, especially if I didn’t reach their physical standards. I know for sure these days that women are tired of seeing men trying too hard to get attention on the internet. So being unapologetically yourself will make you stand out in this day and age. Even if it doesn’t attract all women, it’s going to catch the attention of the special woman in your life.
Michael Gathige says
Well, quite frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever find love. If it’s due to the phobia, fine, but then again, it’s logical too. I don’t think that any girl on this planet would choose me. Really, who would pick an unattractive, unathletic, unfit, unfunny, uninteresting guy when there’s way better literally meters from her. I’m 17 and I’ve heard people tell me that “I’m too young” and such but, as much as I am young, I’m not blind. I’m used to the solitude. I’ll just have to live forever with it assuming I haven’t died by 20. Oh, and depression. I’ll just maintain the lie that I’m Asexual till I die.
I relate to this comment very much.
Anonymous Truth says
Well the people out there that were extremely lucky and blessed when they found real love with one another, certainly have much to be thankful for since their life is so complete. Too bad that many of us men weren’t that blessed and lucky as we would’ve wanted that as well.
Bill Nichols says
Hi my name is Bill and I have Philophobia. I’m 65 and I have never been in a relationship. I’ve been used and abused in my only marriage to a Korean woman that lied and used me just to come to America. Divorced 1987.
Bill please reconsider, don’t let her win. What she did is a reflection of her character and who she is as a human being. Absolutely no reflection of your character. You’re an amazing man to love this women. She is an awful human being to use someones kindness. Finally free yourself from feeling you were used. Go out and show the world this amazing man named Bill. You have nothing to prove to no one except the man you look at in the mirror Bill. You can only control your reaction, not the behavior of others.
Hi everyone, I do not know if I have this kind of phobia. I am in a relationship, 1 year. He asked me to move in 7 months ago. I accepted and took the keys but I still haven’t moved in. I feel a big fear of hearing that I have to take my stuff and leave. On the one hand I have a fear of marriage and on the other hand I am afraid that he would not propose to me if I moved in. For the last 2 months we have argued often and every time he notices that we will never live together because of me.
I have to mention that I had one unhealthy relationship before this one, he never treated me well. We were together for 4 years but from time to time he said that we were friends, that I was crazy etc. Every time I tried to move he didn’t let me. I do not know if this is the reason of my fear and if I have this kind of phobia.
If anyone knows, it would help me. Also if you know some book topics that would be helpful.
Selena Huerta says
I’ve been single my whole life so far due to me in general just being terrified by the thought of being in a relationship. I feel like seeing my parents fight and then divorce kinda might have triggered my phobia. But even so after both of my biological parents found new lovers they kept fighting and argued for what seemed forever, even with their new lovers (I kinda lost hope in love). Then seeing my friends around me get into relationships and then see their relationships crash and burn I get even more terrified and don’t even let any type of love around me and I’m not sure what to do anymore, I kinda gave up.
Hi. I was married before and abused mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. I am now in a relationship for just over a year. I realized that I was in love and automatically I want to sabotage my relationship because I am afraid to let go of my control, show my vulnerabilities and give someone so much of trust over my heart. My boyfriend gets upset with me but I don’t know how to stop doing it. I am now at a stage where I think he doesn’t understand so he will leave me anyway. Any advice?
Don’t ruin a wonderful relationship just because of your fear. Face it down and live a happy life because before you realized you were in fear you were just fine.
Chuck Pritchett says
Please just be honest with him, don’t worry about what he will do or say. Just concentrate on making your own conscious at peace and do the right thing. Please do not cause others pain just because you’re in pain. Let someone know your true intent and feelings. Everyone should have the right to know who they have chosen to be with. Let him love you for who you truly are in every aspect. Trust yourself, don’t trick them. Give love and you will receive it. Let love come to you after you give it freely by showing loyalty and class and integrity. Then love will come. I just had my life crushed because she chose not to ever reveal who she really was.
Bliss Leonard says
I have also had this phobia and, I became aware of it at a very early age (13 yrs), now I am 18 but I have only ever been in one relationship and it ended quickly. I have no plans whatsoever to make a commitment, get married or even have a long term relationship, I am quite content on my own, I don’t need to love anyone.
Michael Gathige says
You and me both :'(
Olaide oladimeji says
I don’t know if I have the phobia or not, but most of my past relationships made me cry even if it was for a short period of time. At first I thought it was because I wasn’t ready to disvirgin that’s why they left, but guys keep leaving me for one reason or the other, so we’re just friends to make out with, but presently I am in a serious relationship with a guy. We just lasted a month and hopefully we keep dating, but I am really scared of losing him. I really do love him but scared it might end up like the other ones. He feels like home to me, even though I am still trying to figure out the person he is exactly.
I just wanna say, it sounds like you have Autophobia (fear of being left alone/abandoned) due to you are not scared of them loving you, but you are scared that they will leave you. Maybe go check that out and see if it’s correct. Have a nice day!
I definitely have this phobia! I’m a 35 year old female who never been in a relationship (yes still a virgin). My friends and family don’t even bother asking me anymore if or ever I’ll go on a date let alone be in a relationship. I know my biggest fear is that I’m going to end up with someone exactly like my oldest brother who is married with children but never without a girlfriend on the side. I know it’s not like that with every guy but in my mind I’m like why bother trying, I will get someone exactly like my brother and also I’m not afraid to die alone either.
Girl, I feel you. I’m 35 as well and I have been in a million relationships, but it’s the accumulated trauma of all of them that makes me be like, “Why would I want to do that again?!” I am phobic of it now. Love is toxic. Love is a loss of control where they can and WILL destroy your life. Love is how they get you. Love inevitably leads to the destruction of your entire world. That’s what my life has been and that’s what I run away from at every turn.
Unlike you, I have had sex and enjoy it very much. But if I feel any feelers after it, I will not see the man again. I do understand your desire to avoid sex. It can cause love accidentally. Best to avoid altogether.
I totally agree with you. I feel that my heart can’t take it anymore so i am avoiding love at all cost.
Joseph Afasinu says
I would suggest you understand what love is all about. Without sacrifices, love is not love. We have different views on love and my own view is a bit different. Men nowadays are so quick to leave a relationship. No more tolerance and love. We all have our short comings and there is no way we won’t offend each other, but the ability to forgive, let go and forget will make a huge difference.
Love and live life to the fullest.
According to what the Bible points out, love is the greatest of all. Now the love is no longer there and everyone is just trying to manage his/her partner.
Ability to accommodate, communicate and overlook lots of things in relationship and marriage will make a little difference.
That’s a disturbing response in that people assume others have the same thoughts and ideas as themselves. Simple fact of the matter is most men aren’t quick to leave a relationship, nor do normal people try to manage their partners. It’s a heavy investment that pretty much no-one wants to walk away from unless it’s just not going to work. Some people are just assholes too, but to suggest men in general are quick to leave a relationship and that people try to manage their partners, somewhere between Freudian and a crock.
I am 47 years old and I definitely have this phobia. I was 29 before I had my first boyfriend and we lived together for 15 years until he unfortunately died 3,5 years ago. The relationship wasn’t very harmonic and I am sure that my issues was a part of that.
Now I am alone again and I am 110% that I want to live alone the rest of my life and it isn’t really something that makes me sad just a fact.
I look at this love business with wonder and I don’t get it in my head it doesn’t bring anything good. It takes away my control, makes me vulnerable, dependent, I won’t be able to “stay me” and so on.
Fortunately I only have these feelings when it comes to romantic relationships otherwise it would be kind of lonely but I have many friends that I care for deeply.
Can anybody recommend any books on the topic Philophobia?
Why am i scared, i have a lover but im too scared to even say “i love you”. Why??
Even i am scared of saying “i love you” to anyone including my parents after experiencing a terrible heartbreak due to breakup with the person i deeply love the most.
We care says
I know it may seem like no one cares but people actually do. I used to think that talking to people about my problems made me weak but actually, it just shows that I am human and that it is fine to be human. Perfection is an illusion and everybody has something that troubles them no matter how perfect their life may seem.
Also, I understand that talking to someone is hard even if they are your friend so you could reach out to priest or a therapist as sometimes talking to a stranger is much easier. Also, a true friend cares about you and they are happy to share your burdens with you and help you. This is what true friendship is about.
What I’ve come to realise is that nobody receives a medal for dealing with their problems alone because as humans beings we need others help and asking for help does not mean weakness. It means you are strong enough to admit that you are human.
Also, sometimes we believe others see faults in us but this could be exacerbated by the fact that we think we are faulty. If I think my shirt is ugly, I will try to put it down so nobody can tell me it is ugly. However, the funny thing my shirt may be the most beautiful shirt to someone so why don’t I be one of those some ones to myself.
David Nichols says
I plan to die alone. It scares the shit out of me, so I’m considering committing, but every time I put a “dead”-line (no pun intended) on it, I always puss out. Eventually though it will have to happen, because unlike the commenter below me, I don’t blame women. I can’t keep a woman interested, but that’s not women’s fault, as if women were some monolithic hive-mind. However, I DO blame myself. Which leads me to hate myself, which exacerbates the problem. I don’t sleep, I barely eat, every day it’s a struggle to just get out of bed. I try to fill my days up with things to keep me occupied: working out, reading, therapy, creative projects, night classes in foreign languages and interesting topics. But at the end of every day I have to get back into my bed, and roll back and forth for three or four hours, wondering why no one loves me and wishing I had someone to talk to.
I used to have friends, but I have changed. Everyone still acknowledges that I’m intelligent, driven and moral, but I’m no fun to be around anymore. I started to talk so slow and monotone that people feel the need to bring it up and people have began to refer to me as “Eeyore”, whereas for most of my life I was a very outgoing and animated person. I don’t enjoy anyone’s company, but I compulsively seek to be around people, because at least that distracts me from hating myself; however, I inevitably project my feelings onto others and am overwhelmed by thoughts of persecution and paranoia. And at the end of the day, everyone just invalidates it, and says it’s not really a problem and even if it is, it’s all my fault.
I am going to make myself clear: it is NOT your fault for feeling the way you do, but continuing to hate yourself is. Working out, reading, and learning new languages are all very good things to do, and I would say keep doing them, but if the heart of the issue is that you believe no one loves you, then all those things that you are doing to try and keep yourself distracted are useless, because hobbies are not substitutes for human interaction or human love.
I won’t insult you by saying that the reason you think no one cares about you is out of self pity; it might be, and it might not be, but either way that is something I have no right to decide for you and something that you need to figure out for yourself. Once you do that, you need to HEAL. Something traumatic, or a buildup of perceived past failures, has led you to this mindset- and if it goes on, you might literally die from heartbreak. Let yourself heal; find someone you trust and that you know cares about you (family, friends) and talk to them. It might feel as if you are being needy, or that you are bothering them with your problems, but neither of those are true: they will listen. Talking out your problems helps you sort through them, because you can see it clearly outlined in front of you. And find something to get interested in; I say something, because to be interested in someONE right after you’ve gotten out of this downwards spiral is a recipe for disaster. You need time to learn to love life again, and hobbies are a small, easy way to start with that.
Most importantly, you will be afraid— that is fine, that is normal, but don’t let it hold you back. I know, easy to say, hard to do, but fear is how we grow. We are only afraid of things because they have already happened to us. And perhaps, once you recognize that you are loved— by family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers— you will find a partner who loves you enough to be your best friend, your confidante, and maybe your spouse.
It all starts with YOU. Other people can help you, but none of that will matter if you don’t have the will to pull yourself out of this hole. In the end, YOU are the one who decides whether you continue to hate yourself, or get up and fight for yourself.
Hope this helps.
There’s this teacher named Neville Goddard, he states that, “Everyone is you pushed out”. This has changed my views on love drastically. Please go check it out, it’s on Youtube. It basically means that in your conscious reality, no one has any free will. People will treat you the way you think you should be treated and act the way you think they will act. Neville basically says that you control the people around you with your thoughts. If you change your negative thoughts into positive, then people will change. He talks about how he attracted a specific person who previously didn’t want him, but he changed his thoughts and now she was in love with him. Lots of people on Youtube are now discussing how they are attracting specific people that they wanted to be in a relationship. Maybe if you change your thinking and your beliefs, you will attract an amazing lover.
Alex Nichols says
you need to seek help
You sound just like me. – Except for the Eeyore part. I’ve been like that, but this time around (depression comes in cycles for me) I find myself extremely, irrationality angry and impatient all. the. time. I’ve a reputation for being an extremely patient person, so this is well out of the ordinary for me. I can mostly hide it around friends and coworkers but my family, and especially I myself, get no quarter. I can’t enjoy anything anymore, and most people around me have no idea how empty I feel.
I’m so terrified of love that I’m in my early 30s and have never been asked on a date or allowed myself to have a crush. I can’t blame guys for it; I’m standoffish, and I’m far more valuable as a student/employee than a person. I live alone and have expected since I was a kid to die alone, having never experienced love. I once started to have a crush when I was in 7th grade – it terrified me so thoroughly that I quashed all traces of it in half an hour. It bothers me, but I dont talk about it anymore, because everyone brushes me off saying I’m being dramatic or pining or “one day, a nice man will sweep you off your feet.” They dont realize that no, I wont allow it and no, every ounce if their reassurances further cements my chosen, now involuntary, path.
Growing up, I was bullied for having emotions, being a nerd who adored learning, and having a boy for a best friend. I wore everything on my sleeve, so kids, teachers, and my parents taunted me. I was 6 when I began trying to hide that I have emotions, and I think everything spiraled from there. Now, it’s just who I am.
David, I hope I am not too late. Please do not end your life prematurely. Life is a gift, you never know when your time will naturally be up, so do make the most of it.
You are far from the only person who does not feel loved or feels like they will never find someone to love the true them. If you were alone in your sentiments, there would be no songs that sing about the same situation you are going through. I too feel hopeless sometimes too. But we have to keep the faith, because without faith, we have nothing. If you decide to end your life, the person who is meant for you will be stuck without a soulmate. Keep your faith David.
All you need right now is Jesus, I can assure you 200% He loves you unconditionally, read John 3:16, I pray that you get to feel the amazing love of God.
My feelings are very similar. My first marriage being destroyed started me down this path of insanity. My second marriage ended because I lost trust in her, and I would eventually get help for depression. The third one lasted 30 years, and I was unhappy for most of it and eventually left her days before our 30th anniversary. I do believe she is happy and better off without me. I’m not sure I know what love is, so I won’t risk hurting another woman.
Well since feminism is all over the place nowadays which unfortunately has a lot to do with it, why so many of us single men will never be able to meet a real decent normal woman at all. These women are just real men haters, and so very rotten and evil which adds to the problem as well. And it has certainly become so very dangerous for many of us good single men just to say good morning or hello to a woman that we would really like to meet, which we now have to be very careful of sexual harassment too. It is very sad that many of us men were never meant to find love no matter how hard we try. Most of these women are really to blame for so many men that have given up looking for a woman now, especially the ones that have no manners and respect when it comes to us men.
I would like to invite you to look at the dictionary definition of feminism, as told by Merriam-Webster: “a theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Notice that in no way does it put down men, or elevate women. So your calling women “men-haters” is basically not justified.
Women are afraid to love men out of fear of emotional intimacy, as is usual for many people, but they are also afraid because in most cases, it will end with them being harmed, raped, or killed. Don’t give me any of the “Not All Men” crap— simply look at every headline and every piece of news that involves a woman being killed from refusing to engage in sex with a male romantic partner, domestic abuse, sexual assault and rape, and from women breaking up with their boyfriends or fiancés. It is completely possible for any man to get angry enough to do something as horrible as that, statistically and theoretically.
And what do you mean, ‘be careful of sexual harassment’? It doesn’t matter what gender you are, you should not be considering doing that kind of act to anybody.
And “so many of us single men will never be able to meet a real decent normal woman at all”? No matter how you look at it, this is ridiculous. There are many wonderful decent normal women out there; either you are looking in the wrong place or you need to change.
Don’t blame your failure for finding a romantic partner on women; that is both childish and immature, to blame someone else, much less the entire other gender, and not take responsibility for your own shortcomings. On top of that, it’s called misogyny- and honestly, no one would be willing to date, much less love, a misogynistic, sexist person.
Part of philophobia comes from sexism and misogyny. Women cannot greet men, initiate conversations with them, court them, tell them they love them, whisper sweet things in their ears, have crushes, objectify men, etc. The man does all the work while women are prizes and things to be sought after without saying anything or expressing any emotions because men hate being used and hurt by women. It hurts their masculinity and every time women do that to men, they end up being murdered. It’s no wonder men want to be the dominant bosses most of the time, so that way women won’t screw them over like my husband, for example. He’s bossy and domineering because he’s trying to guard his manhood by wanting me to submit to him.
On top of that, women also get murdered for initiating sex with male romantic partners because their partners want to be in charge of doing it and that it is unladylike and emasculating for them to do so.
I feel sorry for you. Blaming All Women will get you nowhere. You should start by looking at yourself. What could you do differently? No one was ever sued for sexual harassment for just saying Hello to a woman.
I had a woman once that wanted to call the police on me when all I said to her was good morning, and being a single man myself I would love to meet a good woman to spend the rest of my life with. Why in the world would many of us men want to be single anyway? Life sucks as it is, and to be single and alone all the time just adds insult to injury for many of us as well.
I’m 29 years old and I have philophobia. I was in a relationship before and he always told me he loved me but after I broke up with him, I found out he was just using me to date my best friend and when he said he loved me, he lied to my face. I thought I moved on from it, because there is a guy I like, but I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me the same way my ex-boyfriend hurt me.
I have philophobia. I’m 23 years old and I have never been able to keep committed and men want me to open up right away. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse both physically and mentally and sexually. I have had a bad childhood seeing my dad shoot my mother and my mother blamed it all on me and she blamed me for us getting taken from her by child services. I fear love is bad because anyone who ever told me they loved me hurt me in some way or form.
Trinity Rae says
I have this phobia. When I was very little I was raped by my half brother. Ever since then I’ve been so scared of other people “loving me” like he did. I still am petrified of falling in love and being in love. Even if I think about someone I even remotely like I will panic, cry and hurt myself to a point I black out.
Keyur Jaiswal says
I feel sorry for you darling. I am a brother of one elder sister and 2 smaller ones. And I consider it to be the most pure and blissful bond. I hope you are doing good in life.
I believe that I have this phobia because when I was in the military for over 10 years I lost many good friends and I just grew accustomed to pushing people away when they would try to get close because I didn’t want to feel the hurt when they were snatched from life right in front of me and now 30 years later in life I still push anybody away that tries to get close.
Same with me. So hard, no one can understand your pain.
Female Person says
I think I might have philophobia. I have an online girlfriend, even though I am of the female gender, and I am afraid that she will just up and drop me. I think the cause is ever since I can remember, my parents would fight. Yell, scream, throw stuff at each other and such. They divorced when I was 4. It didn’t help that my mom went through so many relationships, making her not sure about love. And it makes me uncomfortable and scared because.. if my girlfriend leaves me.. I might become like her.. and have no one that truly loves me, or that I truly love.. and it’s scary, it really is, because me and my girlfriend have nearly been dating for half a year, and I’m just scared because we have our whole lives planned out together, and we have a pretty stable relationship, but I just don’t know. I’m still new to love, so I don’t know how much it could hurt me. I’m just.. extremely scared.. and I just hope that I don’t fall in love with another person, making me confused with who to choose…
I love her with all of my heart and I don’t want to lose her…
I think I too have this phobia. Im 15 years old and since childhood I and my family faced a lot of problems. When I was small my parents used to fight like anything and I was alone. Then my younger sister came in my life. So I had to handle her too. Since I was suffering from them for many years but for her it is very difficult and I thank God that my sister has someone to understand her emotions. But I was alone and I am alone. A guy proposed me and I accepted his proposal but unfortunately I denied him. He thinks that I cheated him. Not only he but other guys too. But who will tell them that I was scared. I think that I can never have anyone in my life. I am full of negativity.
thats just wrong lady or man
Fear of love wow, i used to have that and i may still do.
Well I’m still 15 years old. I don’t know much about this “love” thing but I can say I have feelings for that one guy. He is actually my crush and I don’t know why I don’t want to date him. He likes me back. The first time I got to know that he also likes me, I was shocked, I could not believe it and I don’t know why I felt scared and strange. I was panicking and I could hardly breathe. As much as I understood about this phobia, I can say that I also have this problem. First of all because of my parents, they literally got divorced when I was at 6th grade. Their relationship was not working and my dad kept another woman outside my house. That’s the reason for the fights that occurred in my house and I was frustrated about it. Until now I haven’t told anyone that this thing still haunts me even though all the fights are over but that woman is still in my father’s life. I feel very disgusted about it. I am actually scared of loving someone who will do the same thing to me as my father is doing to my mother. My mother and father had a love marriage but it did not succeed. I witnessed many unsuccessful love marriages and I don’t want to pass through it. I’m scared of being heartbroken.
That’s the great feeling of being excited and hoping he’s the one you really want
I just turned 18 a few months ago and i can not form any long lasting relstionship with girls. The most depressing thing is that most if not all of my friends have stable romantic even sexual relationships while i can not even seem to get past the basic conversational stage. I have had several heartbreaks where i had been fooled into the idea that i was loved. I therefore grew jealous and paranoid, i need help seriously or am i stuck here for life.
Me too. I also loved someone. We have mutual feelings but there’s something going on in my heart. Unsure what to say when he ask me if he could court me and i nervously answered him with a yes. Then he told me he would transfer out. That was shocking for me not remembering what he have told me when at the 7th grade. I was sad. Scared that he might go down. Scared that he would go away and might like somebody which is better than me. So i took back the yes. Then our relationship faded. When I missed him, i told him i liked him. Then we once tried again making everything clear but just wouldn’t work. When we were about to be a couple, I turned him down again because of the fear growing inside of me. Now I’m 15, i have two guy friends. The one is my classmate the other was an old classmate. I knew my classmate – Cliff (not his real name) had a crush on me so as early as i knew, i told him i had someone i loved but that was a lie because i was afraid to break our friendship. The old one – Jay (not his real name) he asked me if i was serious and i didn’t know what to answer, nervous and scared not knowing i told him no which disappointed him. I really want romance but i just don’t know how to start and how i can overcome my nervousness, fear, and all of these unexplainable feelings. I would love to love somebody but i just can’t.
Naysia Wherry says
I’m 13 and I’m in 7th grade (held back) and I was falling in love/like my friend. One day in my 4 periods in 6th grade he asks me out and my heart stops and I said yes. He asks for my number and I gave it to him. The next day at the end of the day of school that day he was talking about a different girl that he was going to ask out. My heart stop, I started shaking and my breathing was starting to get short. I felt like crying in front of him but I told myself not to. But it happens anyway a tear slid my cheek. When the bus stop I ran home crying. And my friends told me that he was going to play me but I didn’t want to believe that but it happened to me. And he kept asking me out but my dumb self kept saying yes and when he was talking about a whole different girl that he going to ask out I kept running home crying. And now I’m looking at this phobia I really have it because I don’t like my heart broken by a player just like my friend nor I don’t like my emotions being hurt either.
I’m 14 and the word love is too strong but the way i’ve been treated by my family, friends, boyfriends, and men (yes I mean 18+ men who always try to get in my pants). I do have a fear of liking someone and them not feeling the same way, everyone has started to notice how I eventually shut everyone out, I let them get close to a certain point then it’s like I just push them back like they’re too close. I hope I can overcome this for I’m looking forward to a future, hopefully children and a husband.
I feel that too
Navaneeth krishna says
You saw the pie chart above.. you are not the only one. I have faced the same with most girlfriends (just friends). They put a shield around themselves and adopt a defensive strategy.. but that’s kind of adorable and it’s considered as sexy too nowadays. Just don’t listen to these girls around you. Be yourself and you DESERVE a great partner.
a girl in the world says
I’m sad. And I know that doesn’t have anything to do with “this” phobia but it will shortly. (Okay, no it won’t). I’m 13 and I certainly have this phobia. I read all these comments and I compare them to my literal reason. My reason being the fact that I don’t actually have one. I just feel this way and I have no idea why. It’s like, when I meet new people (which is really rare) I tend to keep them at a certain distance.. but when it becomes too much, push comes to shove, and I can’t handle it anymore. I push them away and isolate myself because.. I don’t really know. I distance myself from everyone and everything and the crazy part of it is that I don’t even know why. Just why. So yeah, I’m a sad human being and maybe, just maybe, someone can relate.
Mine is due to parents divorce, afterwards dad did not keep contact with me, meaning not there for those educational events that girls have. As I got older, saw dad maybe twice a month at his sisters house….then he died. I was supposed to see him on his deathbed but I did not go because of disappointment, hurt, and anger towards him. He abandoned me at 9 years old and I don’t remember the memory of it. My mother became depressed…doing her self and emotionally abandoned me as well as my sisters and grandmother. So, now that Iam an adult have a fear of love, emotional connection with another person. The reason is sexually assaulted at 14 twice, bullied at school by two boys ( everyday, they were in my class ) …my mom and dad abandoned me physically and emotionally then to top it off no support system from own family. So, came to the most obvious conclusion that my feelings don’t matter or that have any type of self worth and someone always wants to use me for some reason or other. I rather remain alone than face rejection or something worse.
Our stories sound so painfully similar. I never had an emotional connection with either parent my dad was Sparsely in an out until I turned 7 and my mother moved me 3000 miles away. I lived with everyone and anyone who could care for me for a day or night as she worked sometimes 3 jobs to support me or herself idk really? But she was never given monetary support from my father. I just distinctly remember never having a family like everyone else I had seen. Either one or both parents in their home with maybe some siblings and they had a bedroom and many belongings. I was never that kid. I constantly moved around and as I said anywhere that someone could find a place for me to sleep. I had no grandparents and only a few aunts and uncles but only one set that never seemed to care and I lived with them a few different times actually, I even lived with one of my substitute teachers when I was in middle school for some time because I had nowhere else to go. I went to 13 different schools, Never an ounce of stability in my life and never EVER had an emotional connection with anyone bc everyone I thought I loved or tried to love including family always left me. This went on my entire life into adulthood. My mom passed when I was 25 and up to that point I had a step father who tried to molest me for 10 years unsuccessfully. I never had the heart to tell my mother as I didnt want to see her heartbroken yet again. I just ended up leaving their home for good at 15 or 16. Again jumping from place to place. I watched my mothers heart break over and over again since my birth and I swore i NEVER wanted to be hurt by a man or anyone for that matter so ANYTIME Ive ever been in a relationship, no matter how good or bad, I ALWAYS walk away first for fear of the unknown. This has trickled down onto my eldest child and he too has lived a lot of the same as I had meaning everyone he ever loved left. First his father abandoned him at 7 yrs old and then all of his paternal relatives followed suit. And he was only 5 when my mother passed (she was the apple of his eye and vice versa). As a result of his childhood trauma he has NEVER, like myself, been able to form or keep friendships or committed relationships and he too always walks away from girlfriends for fear of rejection and pain. Id give ANYTHING to break this chain of pain around us. I have never been married and believe its just NOT in my cards although every bone in my body LONGS for NORMALCY, love and commitment, also FRIENDS. I have NEVER been able to maintain female friendships. Ive had 2 “Best Friends” since I was 12 yrs old, and while in MY heart and mind they were my best friends, I was NOT that in their eyes or heart. Instead more of a close friend but there was ALWAYS someone else who held that title of their best friend. I STRONGLY believe my past experiences, severe fears, anxiety and phobias block the ability to allow myself to Love, BE loved or show complete commitment. Theres so much more to say but I havent enough hours or space to say it all here. xoxo
is there a specific fear of dating women? I’m panromantic but I’ve been traumatized with dating women so much I can’t find myself attracted or even wanting to spend long periods of quality time with new ones.
My parents are divorced, then my mum married this guy that’s an alcoholic, they don’t love each other… then my dad married this girl, and they’ve been together for 7 years.. and i recently had this boyfriend but i somehow got very distant from him, we started not talking much.. once a week we would talk, and eventually.. he decided to ignore me for trying to talk to him.. and in the end he blamed everything on me. Then, the one best friend that i had for 2 years that i had a crush on left because she was moving away to Indiana, and in school i have no friends and i get bullied… so i kinda understand why i have this fear…
The best thing a girl could do is cheat on a guy multiple times, lie to him, use him for sex, degrade him, and compare him to other people’s husbands just to test how good he is and how obsessive he is as well. Guys ought to be manipulated.
I am scared of you. You must be joking or you are a wonderful example of a sick person.
I couldn’t agree more and as a female, yes the same things happen to us but nobody takes it serious enough when it happens to males. It’s like men don’t have the same feelings or something, like women are more delicate, well reality check, we’re not, men are just as weak, just don’t like to show or admit it unless 10p% necessary.
Ladies, remember to remind us lads that whether we like it or not we’re human, and have the basic needs to express and share our feelings from time to time. Saying we don’t need to do this is like saying we don’t need to eat, or drink or sleep. What many guys want is to be like a guardian angel, watching over our women.
Anyway this is what goes on in the minds of men when we see our girlfriends. We just want to be by their sides and protect them forever. We tend to try and appear powerful and manly so our lady can feel safe. We want to be their knights in shining armour, their romance story, the whole package.
But in a lot of men, they can get this idea that they are supposed to be perfect for their women, that they’re not allowed to have any vulnerabilities or insecurities or whatever. Ladies/Gents/(Insert as appropriate) kindly take the time from time to time to remind us that the fullest relationships come from us loving each other for everything we are, everything we were, and everything that we may be. Take this love, cherish it, and never let it go as long as it lives.
Well the real problem for many of us good men is to meet that good woman for us since many of us have that fear that it will never happen. Quite a change today from the old days when it was much easier finding real love back then the way that it happened for our family members.
And when men end up with a woman, they abuse her to make sure she isn’t bad.
Well today it is very wise for many of us good men to remain single since this will save us a lot of pain, misery, torture, and a lot of money especially.
Your money should be spent only where you decide it should be spent.
If she’s only around for the money then you know it isn’t love.
Be patient. Take the time to meditate and figure out what you love.
Jenna Loves Pandas says
I’m literally only 11, and i have an intense fear of love. Because of my culture. My parents are divorced, but they didn’t do violence, and i already knew that not all relationships have violence in them. Once, me and my friends were hanging out, when one of them told me a guy in our class had a crush on me, and he was there with us. On the inside, i was panicking like crazy, but at the same time, happy!
I yelled out, “No he doesn’t!” and ran to the closest washroom there was (my house was near by). I breathed heavily with the door locked, staying in there for half an hour.
I’ve also been told another guy liked me, and I panicked on the inside, but i couldn’t run off (middle of class), and so.. yea.. i just panicked on the inside, and half smiled, going back to my work, but then the guy who told me someone else had a crush on me said something like “Are you okay? You’re sweating..”
Life Sux says
You’re 12 now, probably. Well i’m 12 as well and scared to death when I think about love. I feel like I must protect myself at all times from being sexually harassed or used even though it’s never happened to anybody I know (including myself). One time, my mom told me a boy probably had a crush on me when he was saying ‘rude comments’ to me. I almost started shaking and convinced myself out of it. I’ve had negative thoughts for over a year now, had anxiety, and unless i’m in my class of students i’ve known for over 5 years, I keep completely to myself. I thought I just had mild depression but I was wrong. I’m philophobic.
I’m a guy, 19 years. Well my story is like yours, but a little different. Let me explain. All my childhood I was alone, no brother, no sister, no cousins, no one to even talk to. My parents were arranged and they always end up arguing with each other, and I used to be alone. Either my dad was beating me up or my mom because they were not happy with their marriage. I used to feel that if I had a big brother or sister it would have saved me but now 19 years passed and I feel it doesn’t matter. I don’t need anyone to support me. Now when it comes to relationships I find it weird to share something if its good or bad, because in my mind I think, it doesn’t matter because I can solve it myself. I don’t need him or her, I have been with 4 or 5 girls but couldn’t establish a proper relationship because I know I can’t openly talk to then, and it doesn’t matter. I’m good being alone. I feel that I’m not dependent of anyone.
I DON’T KNOW, should I feel good about that I can’t love or be sad about it? HELP ME!
the cute young man next door says
Well, as long as it doesn’t hurt you this way and you feel no force of pain, it is and could be actually ok. I know it myself that avoiding things in life which would make me suffer even more is accepted and gladly prefered by myself, even if this attitude of avoidance deviates drastically from the norm and even if I got to trade off the existence of rare and potentially very good feelings against the reduction of hurtful feelings Personally, I emotionally prefer reduction of damage over additional benefit in my life. Commonly, the actually most hurtful problems during this avoidance can arise socially by seeing most other people being more happy than oneself or by feeling being despised and unaccepted by society for one’s own norm-deviated attitude. Because the “mainstream” attitude is quite present everywhere (thanks to media and co.) and doesn’t sympathize or supports a different attitude by people, it can depress oneself and impact the own feeling far more than the loss with the trade off.
The psychology regards continuous suffering and the disability to control the suffering as some of the necessary features to specify a person’s state of psyche as disorder or “psychic illness”.
I feel the same although I have sisters and brothers but they always avoid conflict so I was always alone and might have this fear of loving because of my parents always fighting and me trying to stop them. I tried dating a guy who kinda liked me to get a bit used to affection but ended up getting anxious and it got worse when I tried dating a guy who really loved me. But just like you I can’t seem to fall in love and I don’t think it’s a bad thing, you have less to worry about and commit to. You can just focus on yourself. I’m also 19 and don’t share my feelings with people and always try to deal with things independently. You’re fine if you don’t feel anxious, fear, and the wanting to runaway from loving or being loved.
I feel like it all depends. Maybe the reason that you fear falling in love is because of what you’ve gone through while growing up. And maybe that reason causes you to fear of what you yourself may do.
Maybe you just need to find someone who you can trust wholeheartedly and where they trust you wholeheartedly. Though, those kinds of people are hard to find and there may be little to none.
Also maybe find out what you want to be as the person you are. I don’t know who you are but only what you have written here. But no one will truly understand themselves ever but they can understand themselves more than what others might can.
Maybe you just need to find someone you makes you feel safe and secured in your life. Who you can trust will not betray you in your loyalty. And them being in the same position as you to them.
Well that’s just what I think. Everyone has there own way of thinking and opinions. We are our own selves.
Jannah Vincent Loves Pandas says
I sadly have this fear, and thanks to this, i figured out why. The causes stated that; it can happen either because of a divorce between parents, culture, or the fear of commitment. I have two of the causes, my parent’s divorce, and my culture. It isn’t important what the culture is, but… I didn’t find out i had this fear until i got a mega crush on a guy at my school. I wish for us to be friends, and just that… but… i cant help it, and i fear it’ll get serious. We spend time with each other almost every recess, i have a fear he likes me back and it’ll get serious… how do i overcome this?! It’s killin’ me!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re not supposed to have a crush on a guy. Guys can only have crushes on you and follow you.
Alaric Aw says
Single is good… Less complicated
Never knew I had these symptoms until now. Emotional attachment seems out of this world to me. I did have one serious relationship but it didn’t work out. Parents too. Probably one of the main reasons that contributed to my fear of marriage and commitment. The fear of losing them is too overwhelming to the point I will just give up on the relationships. I did suffer from break up as well and I clearly do not wish to get involved anymore. As much as I wanted to have a normal relationship the emotional scar still resides within me. It’s an irrational fear and it will always be. I rather choose to live in solitude than to get involved with people. Too complicated and it’s emotionally exhausting. I do envy those who can move on and place all their trust in their partner.
Jannah Vincent Loves Pandas says
i envy ’em too… i’ve never been in a relationship before, i was too afraid.. im still afraid.. and im jealous of people who aren’t.
Miss. Blue says
You’re 11. Or 12 by now. You’ve got a long long way hun, to grow, and figure all that live crap out later, besides that’s freaking awesome! I was so boy crazy at that age! And if I were one of your parents I would be VERY relieved and happy that you are not ready for any deep physical and/or emotional relationship right now. Please don’t even think this is negative, because it’s not! You’re not feeling intense deep emotions for anybody at your age is perfectly fine, you’re SO young. I think you’re probably so intelligent and smart as a pistol. But at 11/12 might just be a tad too young to have the tools to deal with anything really deep right now.. trust me, love and the S word makes everything SO much more complicated than it needs to be. I think that’s fantastic by itself, but I think it’s great you’re so strong to admit how you feel. Sharing this info for the world I think it’s fantastically great. Enjoy the next 10 or more years to figure out who you are, what you want to do and what you want in life before settling down on one idea of how life should be. I think you are such a strong individual who won’t have any problems in life. Falling in Love with the right person and they’ll find you too. Trust me when i say, there will be plenty of times your heart will get broken dear and plenty of times others will have their heart broken by you but this is okay this is life that’s just how it goes (maybe that won’t happen I don’t know you personally lol) just be YOU, live happy, take one day at a time and you’ll see why I’m saying what I’m saying. If only I could go back and feel the way you’re feeling right now I would do anything because the way I feel right now is pretty awful about love, and unfortunately I’m NOT afraid to love.. this is when people break you down, finding out how much you care for others. I swear save it for the right boy (or man when you are READY). You can only depend on yourself at this point and will be for years and years to come, that can suck sometimes and other times it’s fabulous. Just enjoy being you at your age. I’m so jealous lol (I’m going through a very hard heartbreak, trust me it sucks!)
I don’t know why it took me so long to think maybe I have a phobia of love. I have been single for yeeeaars now and the other night I went out to see some music. Turns out the singer on stage announces half way through that “someone” was in the audience, someone I tried dating 5 years back. My heart started pounding, I felt the craze start, I went to the bathroom to calm down and avoid bumping into him, finally grabbed my friend I was with and got out of there. I have been a wreck for days. And he is one of the greatest guys you will ever meet. I used to be able to have relationships, long term relationships easily with men I did not love (but I didn’t realize I didn’t love them, it just felt calm and easy) and when I realized how crazy this was I tried dating men I loved and admired and it has been horrible. It’s not a fear of running I have I actually have ran out of rooms leaving everyone puzzled at my behavior. People know me as confident, well liked, stable smart and I just haven’t been able to date a great guy because I get nauseous and have to run to the bathroom multiple times. The last few years I just don’t even date anymore because my behavior has been so embarrassing (and uncontrollable!). I’m glad to see I’m not crazy – well that this is actually a real thing. And yes pretty obviously where this came from my parents were passionately in love and also passionately violent and ended on the worst of terms either one of them can’t hold a relationship with me if I am speaking to the other so I haven’t spoken to them in years and my brother who was my soulmate through all this was killed suddenly years back (in an unsolved case) and that ripped me to shreds. I hope I can get over this because there are really beautiful people on this planet and ones who have loved me and wanted to get to know me and I know it would be wonderful to have a healthy relationship with someone I love (and I have it feel wonderful instead of horrible). I will reply back here one day if I overcome this :)
After reading this..
I felt someone is telling my side of story..
Its all the same. Sorry to hear about your brother. Even i am very attached to my brother and i can’t even imagine how thats feels.
I am single from 4 years now and I thought i am weird. People love me and wants to be with me but somehow i end up getting distant from them. I am hurting them and myself to.
I don’t know when i will be able to love.
Woaah. Same here. Even I took so long to understand that I may have a fear of love. So I googled it and bingo.. Philophobia!
Sorry to hear about your brother. I can’t even imagine the pain.
My situation is a bit different from yours though. I always had a normal life. I guess the root of the issue is – cultural problem (love marriage is taboo), my mom and dad are not close or something. They act like strangers, especially my dad. We are a closely knit family though. Its weird altogether. I was rejected by girls till now.
Never had a relationship. I turned 24 this year. I do want to fall in love, but this thought of falling in love makes me nauseous and dizzy. I start sweating. Even talking with girls get difficult for me. Phew! So, am not alone!
I cant believe what I have become now.. I never had thought this phobia would hit me this bad. I am too afraid of being emotionally attached to anyone. I have friends and all but when it comes to love I freak out and feel like running away . I am scared I may end up alone. But then a part of me probably wants to live alone. It is very disturbing
Lynn Khayyata says
I feel the same way. I was so in love with a man for the past 5 years and committed myself to him fully only to have my heart shattered. I am now so fearful of ever allowing myself to bond with another male ever again. I fear growing old alone now but the fear of being hurt again is less frightening to me now than having to go through being broken ever again. Can’t win for losing in this life. There are days that I so want to give up and just do myself in. The saddest part of this is that he was obviously using me the whole five years we were together and he is mentally screwed up as well but what we had together was something I had longed for me whole life and to find out in the end that you meant nothing to them is a killer itself. People are so cruel to one another. I can’t be like that so it’s in my best interest to never show or give love to another ever again.
And this is why I will never believe in anything either on this computer or in real life. Because when people read your post they think its true. So therefore I will always be skeptical of peoples posts.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ll be 33 this year and I want so badly to be married. I’ve had two long term relationships that were loving at one time and since the dissolving of the last one many years ago, I’m absolutely terrified to fall in love. I almost fell in love a few years back, but found out that this guy was not as far into his divorce as he claimed.
I dated a few other men and was quite hopeful in the beginning of the relationships but then always felt like there was an ulterior motive for the relationship. Which turned out to not be too far from my thoughts. I’ve prayed to my God and have tried to be more receptive to advances. Yet the closest I will get to someone is exchanging numbers, talking and texting and a few casual dates.
I’ve felt chemistry with someone and then am repelled by the fear of loving again. And I began to push people away or become distant myself. I feel terrible because I’m a single mother and I Want for my son to have the type of home I grew up in. Happy, loving.
I won’t say our home isn’t happy, but I feel guilty about his absent father figure because my father was there, and still is. I just want To be in love and provide my son the opportunity of having a father. My son knows his dad but does not get the time he deserves from him.
Sorry about the last line. Not here to vent, but for help so that I can be with someone again. I have truly been happy single but again I feel guilty because my son is missing out on having a great dad. God bless you all!
I think I might have Philophia because my brother died and a few days later my parents also divorced.
I just feel empty and hollow. I don’t get too attached in a relationship because what if I like the guy and he doesn’t like me back that just gives me more pain to add to my pity party.
The first guy i truly loved cheated on me and i broke it off, we got back together and he verbally and emotionally abused me so i ended it. 2 years later i dated someone else and he was still attached to his ex which really hurt me because i like him, so he ended our relationship. A year later, i dated a guy who i was first intimate with. There was a connection we both felt and when i was becoming attached, he told me just after we did it, he has a gf and that things are getting serious between them and meaning we cant continue. I felt numb and emotionless. Later that day it came back to me and it hit me very very hard. I couldn’t forget about him. A few months later, someone who had feelings for me, which i liked too, rejected me and told me that he likes me but isn’t up for a relationship. I told myself that i don’t need anyone to be happy because people are always going to use me and they really don’t see the purpose of having me in their lives so i’m fine alone. About two weeks later a friend of mine told me that he really likes me and really deeply wants to be with me, so i agree to date him, i went back home about 30 minutes later, sat down and cried so bad, i was so scared that i got myself in something that i didn’t want, that he is going to have me trapped and that i’m scared because he is going to hurt me like the others did so he called me about 5 hours later so see me before he sleeps. I meet up with him and told him that i can’t be with him so i’m ending the relationship, i’m better off alone. I need to be alone.. right now I want nothing to do with being in love with anyone.
Aastha Ruhi says
I have a friend who is suffering from this problem. A few weeks back he revealed me the truths of his life and after that day he started avoiding me. He is too attached to me and still he has decided not to contact me ever in his life. He keeps doing this. He leaves people he loves. He never opened up but still he shared his life with me. I just don’t know how to get him back. I really love him but I am not able to convince him that he can overcome this fear. He says he is scared to death. If there is anybody who has a positive solution for this then please help me out. I will be grateful.
the cute young man next door says
All the comments here really touch me emotionally because I can sympathize with these feelings. I’m by far no psychotherapist but I want to try my best to help you (even if this post was made last year and isn’t up-to-date at all, maybe I can ease some complications for other people too).
When it comes to any unspecific problems various techniques had been developed to solve problems in general for specific areas where this problem occurs, for example businesses and industry. The strategy of a psychotherapist as I read it in psychology articles sticks to similar basic steps of solving a problem, but specificly mental problems. But before going ahead make yourself conscious about how much do you really love him. You won’t have any chance, if you’re not perfectly sure that he will be the only one you want and are able to love happily your entire life until you both die. If not you should not even try to get him back. I can imagine that “short-term relationships” are truely poisonous for people that already fear love because of fate and its transience. But if you are perfectly sure about it and you really can’t live without him, you know it’s the right one in your life then go ahead to approach the problem. It might cost you much effort and patience, a true test of your love.
The first step is to identify and really understand the problem itself, to grasp it so that it can be captured and targeted. So you need to find out, WHY it had come to this problem and HOW the problem is manifested in the relationship or WHAT the problem exactly is. Is it being loved or is he rather afraid of loving himself (or maybe both because both is related to each other)? Does he see himself as the problem or does he see the situation and the consequences from his environment as the problem which affects him? With a bit of luck, you can ask your former boyfriend about his past and what happened to him. Let him tell you his whole story. It seems important to me that you show him complete interest in his story, empathy, sympathy and understanding of his situation and that you forgive and signal to tolerate all the actions that he feels ashamed of having done himself. Often the suffering of people concerned by disorders increases with their own feel of shame for themselves and their disability of control. Show him that you want to do it for him, you want to know it because you want to help and not only for yourself.
Next step is to make different possible solutions for the problem based upon the knowledge how the problem evolved. Personally, I’d say the aim is to somehow show your friend that there will be positive consequences instead of negative consequences which he experienced. The fear associates negative consequences with being loved or loving himself. Find a way to make him learn different assocations with the feeling of love and relationship. Such a learn process can be exhausting and take a lot of time and effort but maybe it can ease the problem. Show him what you would plan with him and how you imagine the future together. Show him how could it be, if your situation would be different and how it would be when everything would be the same just without that fear. Maybe it works to compare and reframe the potential of an own relationship with examples of known successfull relationships and love from media to get an impression. Those people need to see an example and the belief that relationships can work, hold and succeed for the rest of their life. Try to involve him in finding solutions.
Last step will be the most exhausting one which is executing the plans and trying what will work and what won’t. Then evaluating and analyzing them how effective they were. Enhance the plan and retry.
Maybe for this kind of problem, a real psychologist could help out well. There are different kinds of approaches for phobias (but I can’t tell you much about it).
Concerning the social origin of this phobia, I see the problem in the kind of modern emphasis of (sexual) drives, subjectivity and sexuality which destroys real love or the (positive) perception of it. It is the liberalisation process whose intension is to remove any rules, to ban morality from public life and to destroy functionality-&-health-providing restrictions which leads to acceptance and empowering of damaging behavior and uncertainities (and uncertainities themselves are fears when getting extreme). It is joined by faked love, selfishness (carelessness in favor of own benefit of lust), confusion about real love and a chronical wide misunderstanding of the meaning of love in society (the original non-sexual love), provoking and supporting the development that people get incapable of sexually controlling themselves which alltogether leads to an image and experience of a psycho-sexually colapsed and oversexed society and their problems: insecurity and uncertainities.
I never could know if any relationship even would work with people who I would find attractive. In fact it simply wouldn’t work out since those people are found attractive by other men who know how to achieve their affair (the danger of psychological tricks is real unfortunately). Those had sex with everybody, already dozens of partners (which is for me like a whore, I don’t want that, in my sight it makes them totally valueless), and why I should be so stupid to begin a relationship which – I know – will fail. I have the feeling, I don’t or can’t need relationships, it’s superfluous. As an inappropriate introverted guy who feels like having a bad personality and a widely disliked moral life attitude a relationship would damage myself and particularly damage the potential partner more than it could give me.
Nowadays, it seems to me, love, relationships and evaluation of these are barely based on reasonability and functionality but on sexuality and concentrated subjectivity and some kind of “emotionalism” (in fact hedonism -> lust-oriented attitude of life) rendering the own emotions, the desire, want and need as the most valuable thing in life or more important than all the consequences. This is leading to unreasonable and incautious interaction with each other based on subjective lust-oriented attitude and many failed or feared relationships, a social development which definitely hurts and damages people.
Got all too long, well thanks for reading.
Ngwueche Wisdom says
No doubt, have philophobia. I hardly get attached to any woman because I’ve lost that part of me that will do anything to keep my woman happy. I rely on reasons to let someone leave other than a reason to keep them close.
The worst is that I came close to believing that what I see in the movies are all virtual, fantasies and unreal. Because ‘true does not a function’
The Genesis is that I got heartbroken by someone I’ve loved unconditionally for half a decade, busy making plans and working hard to build a family with.
Its one year, one month and 4 days and I have not had something real. I’ve tried 10 gals, non lasted for more than 3 weeks.
I think I have philophobia. I have been in two very abusive and manipulative relationships, which has lead me to believe that every relationship I’m in will be manipulative somehow. I often wonder if my partner has any ulterior motives and if they’ll stab me in the back one day. As a result, our relationships are often strained or distant.
I don’t know how to fix this. It’s frustrating. I want to get married one day, but how can I if I get so apprehensive about dating?
Lady Death Wish says
I feel the same way about all of that…. I just can never have a relationship that I could keep and not lose.
I never knew what my case was until I’ve had the urge to read and search via google the things I’m concerned with. I grew up in an environment where love seems to be a failure (in my eyes). My mom and dad would fight a lot, dad would even hit mom at times, in front of us-their children, their fault. They would temporarily part ways at times and all of what happened really struck at me. I never believed in the phrase “staying in love” because in the matter of fact, change is the only thing that is constant. Someone would cheat, fall out of love, or love someone else and it would be either of you that would make the first mistake. And I am always afraid of that mistake. I am afraid of loving someone whom I do not have a concrete guarantee would love me nonstop, or I too would be like that. Whenever someone has a crush on me, be it my friend or a stranger, I would always “reflexively” be harsh to them. And I always reason that it is because I want to be the first to be in love, not the other way around but I have never been in love. I am like bipolar with wanting that “love” because one time I crave for it, next I loathe it, then I envy someone who has it. This is why I think I am philophobic.
I am worried I may have Philophobia. I was already diagnosed with Anxiety by several psychiatrists over the years. I have to take two different anti-anxieties for it. Anyway, I have severe abandonment issues due to a pretty traumatic childhood and repeated failed relationships. Every time I was happy, without fail, I was dumped. I am already terrified to open up to people even as friends, much less a significant other. Even now, when I so much as have a crush on someone I immediately avoid them. When I get into a relationship, which is rare, I will break up with them if they say “I love you” too soon. At the start of all my relationships, I feel so much fear that I cry. I try not to get attached because I feel that any day they will throw me away. I try so hard to mask these fears and overcome them. So far every single time I have tried to appear confident and happy, I was still dumped. I want to overcome my fears because I crave closeness to the point I feel physically sick and my chest hurts constantly.
Thats how I feel. When I get into a relationship I have to force myself to be in it. Then the more I think when am I going to be thrown away or that they deserve someone else. I feel that I am not worthy of their love. I dont mind the pain of being left its the thought that they will want to stay with me that scares me. I am glad that I am not the only one.
So what can we do about it. It’s the same with me. You don’t know how or why this came about but I get mad and frustrated and push people away when they want to get close to me. I’m more afraid of them wanting to stay even despite all my secrets and darksludgey stuff then of them leaving. It’s like when they leave I’m actually a little relieved because they’ve just proved me right but then I feel bad cause I pushed them away. I don’t want to be a heartless person but somehow I have some kind of natural love repellent reaction preset in me. Can someone offer me some advice? Thank you so much
Exactly! This is what happens with me as well! As if I have a love repellant! I guess a certified counselling practitioner is a good option. When I get this job I am trying for, I think I will get myself checked as well. I too wanna feel love, but So far, I am single (24yrs) and its not intentional. I too want a significant other in my life but, there is a constant feeling that says- I am not worthy enough/ I will get rejected anyways, so why bother.. 😭😭
This is a crappy phobia to have when you actually want love and to have that special person in your life. I’ll go on dates here and there. I’ll find myself picking apart the other person or myself as to why I shouldn’t continue to pursue that person. Even if the date went well and we had a good time. Then there are times when I tell myself, hey, you’re going to put fear aside and go for it. Then some how things don’t workout. Which just leads to more disappointment and thoughts that you should just give up and not even try. Then there’s the opening up to people part. I’m not afraid of my truths. They’re what have molded me into the person I am. But, most folks don’t really want to know the things that made someone the way they are. Sorry, I know that just seems like a bunch of rambling statements.
Nope. They dont! They make perfect sense to me! I am exactly like that. Except, even the thought of going on dates is scary for me. And ya, I am already an open book. I dont even have secrets! But whenever I start to think like, “this girl is good” or something like that, this shitty Phobia strikes me.
My advice is, you should consult a counselling practitioner. It should help you.
Well I am of a very young age which is 14. I have a crush on a guy and when he tells me I feel like I don’t love him anymore and am too cool at school that every boy loves me. I love some of them but I just can’t tell them. Other girls find it weird that I can’t even date any of the guys.. I think I am just not being myself. I feel I also suffer from philophobia even though I am very good when it comes to loving my mom, dad, best friends and kids. I just find it hard for me to have a boyfriend I love..
I don’t really know if i have philophobia, but when i start liking or loving a guy i cant tell him how i feel about him even if he keeps on telling me how he feels, it feels good hearing it but at a point i hate hearing it, and when i have a crush on someone and i find out the person has a crush on me i will stop having a crush on the person. I cant tell the person how i feel even if i want to kiss him, i keep holding myself back at some point i just want to be with him some point i wish to stay far from him. I really love the guy but i don’t know what to do.
I can’t say I’m a phobia because I’ve never been hurt or dumped by a guy I was in love with but all I can say is I’m afraid of commitment and a long term relationship because I know I can’t .I’ve always been like this since I was 13yrs old until now .I’m a single 18yr old girl and I’ve been in love several times and being in love is great but sometimes we think that we are taken for granted and we end up ending the relationship .I’m in love with this guy and I guess I can’t open my heart and give him a chance because I’m afraid even though I’ve never been hurt before, maybe I’ve read several stories about heart breaks so please, I need help..
I think I am philophobic but possibly a different type. I believe mine started because I moved so much and I’m afraid that if I make a strong relationship (friends or more) it will hurt too much in the end. I’m too afraid of the possible pain from moving that I don’t bother making lasting friendships in fear I’ll just leave again… Is this technically philophobia even though it’s not necessarily stemmed from a bad love situation? I don’t really know what to do about it either because I don’t trust anyone and I try not to share anything deep with others (not even my family)
I have a thing about falling in love because It makes someone vulnerable and I don’t want to feel that way. I loved my mum, my dad and my brother but all they did was make my life a living hell, my younger brother bullied me and my parents not once condemned him, I am still living with them unfortunately but I am in college now so I will soon be out of this house. I believe it is because I was vulnerable they were able to get to me, I am just keeping my heart closed because I don’t want to be treated like that ever again
I am a philophobia sufferer. I can’t tell whether I developed it as a result of my parent’s divorce when I was very young or if I had it from birth (not sure if that’s possible), but I do know that I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. Like arachnophobia (the fear of spiders), I do not know why I am frightened of love (or frightened of spiders), but when I think of being in a relationship or that a relationship with someone I know is possible, I feel seriously terrified and become incredibly anxious; leaving me to breakdown or to feel nauseous (advanced physical symptoms). As a result of philophobia, I refuse any physical contact with the opposite sex and I feel seriously uncomfortable when a guy asks for a hug and acts hurt and offended when I refuse. I am often guilt tripped into starting a relationship or having physical contact with a man which devastates me, especially when the man tells me I am an awful human being for rejecting them when I am terrified out of my mind to the point of breaking down. It’s so upsetting that I am hurt like this because not enough people are aware of the seriousness of philophobia and how it can affect a person’s life. On top of this, resisting contact with men began to make me question my sexuality and I was confused as to whether or I was frightened of relationships with both men and women or if it was only with men; I was worried of being a lesbian. If you have questioned your sexuality before, then you know how terrifying it can be to be so confused about yourself, which is made worse when you also have philophobia. I have not had therapy about this before as I didn’t think it would get to this point and I was very content being single (I still am) and as I am only 16, I know that any relationship I have now won’t last and the effort to be cured would have been for nothing. Another thing which is difficult for philophobia sufferers is that the entire world is obsessed with finding love and hooking up, which can make it very difficult when you feel like an outcast (like you’re not normal) and you’re often pressured by others to start a relationship because it is such a popular thing to be in one. Sex also becomes a terrifying concept (even more if you’re a virgin like me) because it shows you are completely comfortable with your partner and with exposing your body which is 10x difficult for philophobics to relate to. Continuing on the topic of guys wanting a relationship with you, often guys like a girl who ‘plays hard to get’ and will try even harder to be in a relationship with you. Serious philophobic sufferers aren’t going to be in a relationship with someone who constantly pesters them and tries relentlessly to be with them as it often can make them more terrified. This is because (from my own experience) I felt my fear was being taken for granted for not being listened to and that a man still thinks he can take advantage of me and my opinions don’t matter. There would come a point that I would begin to turn on the man and act like a ‘bitch’ so he would get the message as I had become so desperate to feel safer and to stop feeling terrified. I hated having to do it and it gave me a bad name a lot of the time, but after months I realised I had no choice and he would keep coming back (this happened with multiple inconsiderate, naive guys). These are all experiences I have suffered with and I’d like to know if any other philophobia sufferers can relate to any of them. I am not sure if I should get therapy but it is affecting me constantly. I do not, however, push friends and family away as there is no sexual attachment possible with any of them that I have, but if anyone has any information that could help me with the phobia then I would be very grateful. I do wish I could be in relationships like everyone else one day, but until I get therapy, I wish to deal with a lot of it on my own.
I honestly thought I was the only one who got panic attacks from the thought of being in a relationship. I didn’t know how to explain what I felt or what triggered it. Every time I’d hear about a boy crushing on me or even get a slightest hint at it, warning bells shoot throughout my entire body and I grow distant. It becomes so awkward for me that I can’t stand being in the same room. If he continues to pursue me, I’d panic and start sobbing uncontrollably and I’d lock myself away in a room, rocking back and forth wishing for it to all go away. It even happens if I like the guy back. I even pushed my family members away and distanced myself.
I was honestly terrified that I’d be left alone. Not only that but I don’t want whoever I’m with to suffer through me loving him one day and the next being so terrified of him that I can’t even stay in the same room as him.
I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t the only one who suffered through this and I almost cried out when I found someone who related to me, or at least to what I felt.
Now, I’m not completely sure that I am Philophobic. Despite it being with me for several years, I keep hoping I’d grow out of it before I graduate high school. But so far, I haven’t made any progression.
And as for the therapy, I don’t know how much it’ll help. For as far as my beliefs, if I cannot even explain this to my parents, I don’t know how I can explain it to a stranger.
And I have no idea how this started. I didn’t suffer through a divorce or domestic fights. I didn’t get my heart broken until I mistakenly broke a guys heart because of the fear.
I cannot tell the person i love how i feel, i cannot even kiss him. Sometimes i love being with him but sometimes its the other way round. He has asked me out but my reply was no, he said he will wait for me but i really don’t know if i am sure. I keep telling him i just want to be his friend but deep inside i really don’t know what i want. I can’t tell him anything at some point i don’t trust him. I keep telling myself that i don’t love him but is that true. I love him but i can’t see myself losing him.
When I was 10 I used to love reading on an app called Wattpad. I was an emotional and connected reader. Until I was 11 I started reading love stories. When the girl got heart broken I felt the way she felt. I didn’t understand how she really felt until I was 16 and got broken by some guy. Now I am a Philophobic. I felt the heartbreak since I was 10. It was extremely hurtful and I never ever want to fall in love again.
I’m definitely philophobic. When my parents fought during my young elementary years, I was traumatized (apparently both of my parents side of the family were in an unhappy marriage too; however, they are back on track). I gained confidence to try a relationship when I turned 18 at the peak of my senior year. Well, turned out that my first boyfriend never took me on a date, always whined about me not giving into sex in the first week of being a boyfriend, cheated on me, and when I finally tried oral sex on him, he quickly broke up afterwards because I wasn’t giving him satisfaction. Hell, I am a virgin! And still am rightfully so. I wanted to introduce him to my family. I’m glad I didn’t because other than him not wanting anyone, not even mine or his friends (we all know each other from church) to find out, he didn’t want his or my family to find out either.
After a month from breaking up with him, he asked for my forgiveness and he did get my forgiveness. However, I specifically told him that this doesn’t mean I’ll forget about it, nor wanting to talk to him. Then, he had the audacity to call me a bitch. So, not only did I break the contact of him, I never went back to church to avoid anyone that connects me to him and I’m not going to church anymore.
The result? Well, I am unable go past the first base of any dating or relationship. And whenever I think about any fuzzy relationships or even see one, I feel the need to throw up. I can’t even kiss properly because all I want to do in between those moments is throw up.
dl rose says
You have one life and you are wasting it, the ones who live a normal life seem to have much more happiness than those who are extremists in beliefs, such as religious or any other type of the sort. You don’t see that you have an abnormal psychology but others who are happy in their lives see it. Get a little wild, make a few mistakes, get exposure in life and don’t miss anything because of some religious fanatic who managed to put his fanatical ideas in your life, eventually messing it up together with his own. Go somewhere where nobody knows you and begin to connect with people, especially those who are open minded. Do it. Do anything as long as it doesn’t harm you or others. There is no right or wrong in this world as long as your actions are justified. You have one life, you are wasting it because of some imaginations, just live it, it’s yours, you own it, trust yourself.
Well.. I wish it were that easy, although I am not the OP, I am also a philophobe. I am 28 as of writing.
I have philophobia, badly. My fear of falling in love runs so deep that just thinking about it often gives me panic attacks. However, I have no desire to seek treatment or change. I do not think I need romance in order to have a good life. Things have been fine for me without a romantic partner, so I see no reason to alter my thinking and acquire a partner.
I’m pretty much philophobic. I had previous relationships before, but they always end up failing on my part. I would always get lied and cheated on or sometimes there was someone always interfering and caused a turmoil in the relationship. That happened sometime last February and later few months around at least late Summer. After that break up, I fear falling in love and getting into relationships. I do have a close friend of mine who has a crush on me, but then I’m just afraid of getting into relationships because of my past issues and that I know relationships wouldn’t last long to me. I do cry whenever I think about these issues and how I’m not attractive to most guys whom are more into pretty girls. I never told my family about this issue and I just keep things to myself.
Not sure when I’ll ever overcome my fear, but it will take a while or even a long time. It’s really hard.
Don’t worry. You will soon realize that love is an important thing in life. It’s human nature to not want to do things again from past experiences, but you must look past it and move on. There may be many obstacles that will make you want to just give up, but one day, you’ll realize it was all worth it because love is a lot stronger than fear. You should at least try to find somebody that you can trust. Then, you can go forward with it, and you will see. Words to live by: “It’s always better to try and fail than to never try at all.”
I think I’m philophobic. I broke up with my recent boyfriend and well I still loved him. When I tried to get back with him, my fears returned. I’m afraid I’m just toxic and am going to hurt anyone who tries to get near me. I feel so horrible because now he’s so upset. I never meant to hurt him.
I used to be very philophobic. I saw my parents divorce, fight and use violence, I’ve actually never seen any really working relationship very close. Anxiety and panic attacks sound familiar, so does finding it hard to open up. Still, just as a 16-year-old, my story has had a happy ending; my boyfriend. Rare guys have such a patience, and from the first time when we spoke about love as friends, he immediately saw I was philophobic. Because of his care and help everything is almost alright now, and I don’t fear loving / falling in love anymore.
I believe I have had philophobia for many years and I am wondering if hypnoanalysis will help. Can anyone recommend one in the Uk Scotland… Thanks