Its been some time now. Ive slowly lost communication skills that build rapport and respect, and just holding my shit together internally has overall been wearing off. The kind and helpful smile is now forced on, and noticeable. Ive always been able to fake it, but it seems that I have allowed myself to ignore the problem causing me such discomfort instead of addressing it when I should have. I don’t know how to build relationships with men around me and I don’t have good communication with women either. I always feel they are saying something bad about me and are able to manipulate me because they manage their emotions and hide it better. Im not a manipulator, Im the one that gets manipulated. I could never figure it out and was in denial and am in denial. One minute I could be fine but then something switches in me and I realize people are looking at me. My false sense of pride quickly evaporates and Im left feeling worthless, shameful, jealous, and like i’m just not a woman. I turn into a panic and then start going back to thinking of people as I see myself, I see them as pantomimes of human sexuality. The logical world means nothing. I see them as sexual oppressors and me a victim. I don’t really want anyone sexually, but I find myself uncomfortable nonetheless and that gives off a sexual energy that apparently is giving a sign. Whats wrong with me? I think obsessing over being sexually neglected, abused and manipulated, has turned me into accepting that I accept this behavior from others. Is it true? But how can I be so miserable from this? I don’t trust anyone, Im confused, My soul hurts me everyday. I am feeling weak. I have no control over the thoughts anymore. Its become a common route of self negative talk. Its very unsettling and leads me to believe that I am low worth, no good, I am a whore. But I would never do any such things to the ones I love. I would never cheat, I wouldn’t lie unless it was to protect myself, I wouldn’t steal or do drugs. I have done drugs but not regularly. I have reacted horribly and just been a chaotic mess. And I am just lost. I cant hold professional conversations without feeling like i’m out of character and want to slap someone in the face for even attempting bullshit small talk to try and size me up. I don’t want anyone to know who I am. I only want to be alone. And this is very unhealthy because I classify myself as different and isolated. But once someone opens up to me, I feel a WOW me too. This is normal. And this is what I need to get off my chest. I hope someone feels me on this and that they aren’t alone too.
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