Androphobia is the abnormal and persistent fear of men (Greek: Andras-man and phobos-fear). Like with all fears, the fear of men is also ingrained or pre-programmed as an ‘instinctual response to potential danger’. Such a phobia can afflict men and women, but is typically seen in younger females.
Like with many other phobias, the fear of men phobia might continue into adulthood. The sufferers typically refuse to be left alone with a man, despite his being a close friend or relative. They might have nightmares about men. This can greatly affect the quality of life, especially if they refuse to step outside, fearing an encounter with man.
Sometimes, individuals may be able to lead normal lives despite their phobia; they may have male friends, but they might not form relationships with men or might feel very nervous working with men.
Causes and origin of Androphobia
As with most phobias, Androphobia has different origins.
Most commonly, a negative or traumatic event, such as rape or sexual assault, is quite likely responsible for it. The brain of the phobic, mainly its parts like amygdala and hypothalamus “learn” to re-create the same fear response as that at the time of the event. These areas are also responsible for the physical responses to fear.
Little girls are commonly taught to stay away from the opposite sex; this is ingrained since one’s childhood. Caregivers, parents or grandparents can all be responsible for instilling such a fear in young minds. Warnings like “stay away from strange men, or do not drive in a car with a man” etc can all lead to ‘reprogramming’ of the brain.
TV shows, movies, news reports of rape, kidnapping, or murder etc can also lead to fear of men phobia.
Fear of men phobia symptoms
Androphobia is characterized by many symptoms such as:
- Physical symptoms: One or more of the following symptoms may be present such as: rapid breathing, higher pulse rate (heart palpitations), trembling or shaking, sweating, feeling like fainting or dizziness, feeling like choking or having chest pains, gastrointestinal distress, nausea etc. These happen when one comes close to a man or even thinks of an encounter with a man.
- Psychological symptoms: Feelings or thoughts of dread, terror, panic, extreme anxiety, thoughts of dying, fearing losing control and embarrassing self.
The phobic may be depressed owing to the fear. S/he might have trouble sleeping and eating due to the phobia. Most stutter or stammer when talking to men. Younger individuals might cry, scream or run away when faced with men.
If you or a loved one suffers from Androphobia, then do note that it is a curable condition. You must, first of all, discipline yourself to adjust to your fear. Such an adjustment must be done gradually; it is called as gradual desensitization or graded exposure therapy. You can start small: see photos of men, think about meeting or talking to them and so on. You can also use relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation etc to overcome the anxiety associated with your phobia.
Group therapy or individual talk therapy sessions can also help overcome the fear of men. Hypnotherapy is known to be highly successful in getting to the bottom of such phobias. Once you discover the roots of it, you will be able to see reason and rationalize the fear.
Therapists also encourage phobics to write down their fears and counter them with positive or rational thoughts. For example: I fear meeting a man because he might harm me” is changed into “My fear is baseless, men can be friendly” and so on.
Drug therapy or medication is the last line of treatment for Androphobia: these only offer short term relief and often result in terrible side effects.
I don’t know what to do. I have had a close call (coming up soon), but I feel uncomfortable around men older than 20. My dad has never done anything, but I feel so uncomfortable and stressed. I’m so scared. I mean, I did nearly get raped. I will tell my story:
I had this neighbor who was one year older than me. I was 9, and he was 10. We were best friends. One day I told him that I had to move away, and he started yelling at me. I cried. Then he suddenly got excited and said, let’s play a game. He got me to lie down, and he jumped on me and pulled down his pants. I punched him in the face and left him a black eye. I ran out of that house, terrified I could get pregnant. I learned three months after that you had to have had your period to get pregnant.
I just don’t like men anymore. I know it’s not their fault, but I still feel weird when a boy says that they like me.
Stay away from men, they pose the biggest threat to women, don’t take my word for it, look at the statistics.
My situation, I think, is unique among the comments below. I was not abused, raped, or attacked by any men. I am a Muslim American, and my family immigrated in the 1980s. I am now 39 years old.
As a child, I was often told that I wasn’t allowed to be alone with any boys or be anywhere other than the classroom with them. To the point where if boys were invited to a kid’s birthday party, I wasn’t allowed to go. I was only allowed to be near my male family members, and even then, it wasn’t alone.
It’s a common trope now, but virginity is very serious to them. I was to be pure until marriage. I wasn’t allowed to go to any parties, dances, or anywhere even throughout high school. If I were out, I was required to take my sister with me, which I resented (and sometimes, looking back, I still do).
The issue is, I had never really spoken to any men outside of work or school situations, but when I turned 17-18, I was now expected to “find a husband.” Man after man was paraded in front of me, and I was expected to make a split decision (within an hour or two) on if I thought this random man would make a good husband for me.
I met the most insane people that way. And I felt used, truthfully. I was a highly educated young woman, and my family was introducing me to FOTB (fresh off the boat) men who seemed to instantly want a virgin wife within a day of meeting me. I went through perhaps 40 meetings over the years, hating every single one. Most only wanted me to cook, clean, and have sex with them. (Funny enough, no one cared if they weren’t virgins. Double standards from hell.)
I didn’t marry any of them and moved away from my family when I turned 25.
I dated many guys, non-Muslims too, thinking I could find someone for me. The issue was that I was so uncomfortable and afraid of being alone with them that I couldn’t forge a relationship. Americans and the 3rd Date rule destroyed every beginning before it started.
The thing is when you’re raised to the extent that I was, simply sleeping with a guy is ruined. I feel like a freak. I think I am a “demisexual.” So, I started setting expectations before even meeting them to save myself the heartache. I tell them in advance that I want to wait until I feel like we will be planning a life together before getting physical, but I think the men considered it a challenge to try and get me to change my mind. I think it backfired and made me even more scared. The age-old saying that men only wanted sex was echoing in my brain. I felt if I continued, it would somehow degrade me.
I am not sure when the fear started getting worse, but now, nearing my 40th year, I can’t even make myself try anymore.
I am literally afraid of being alone with a man. I always have fantasies that I will find the gentle soul who will wait and allow me to feel comfortable before making a move, but I can’t even go on a date. Now, I am meeting divorcees who speak about their ex-wives as if they were trash and all I can do is picture myself in their place.
Sometimes I hate my family for raising me this way. I want to get over this so badly. I don’t know where to start. I don’t think many in this culture would understand.
Thank you for your story. I can relate. I’ve never been raped or sexually assaulted either, but I’m afraid of men. I’m sure a huge part of that is that I haven’t had a solid father figure since I was 10. Eventually, I got a stepdad at 15, and he ditched us when I was 17. I have two older brothers, but they both got into hard drugs. I was also raised religiously—Baptist, where we must save as many people as possible and not have sex till marriage. I decided I wanted to wait until marriage, which I did not succeed in. I got a boyfriend when I was nineteen, and even though he said he respected my wishes, he pressured me into having sex with him. Instead of a beautiful honeymoon like I imagined, I got the back seat of a car in a kohl’s parking lot. This betrayal of God immediately destroyed my identity. That was about two and a half years ago now. I’m still with the man who did that to me, but probably not much longer. The truth is, I’ve always been attracted to women too, and I’m finally in a place where I can be myself and still maintain a spiritual (nonreligious) relationship with God.
I don’t know if I have a phobia of men because I don’t fear all men. I am very nervous and fearful around older and stronger men, even some I know. But, with some of my friends and people who are younger and skinnier, I feel almost fine. I don’t know if this is a normal thing or if this is a serious phobia. This has caused me not to want to go to public places, but I suspect that might just be general anxiety and not completely because of men. Does anyone else have this problem?
I don’t understand how therapy could work for androphobia. It says it desensitizes you and helps you realize your fear is unrealistic. But is it? I can’t count how many times I have been mistreated by men, from strangers to teachers to relatives. Of course, women can be abusive. But women have not chased me down the street, yelled at me from cars, hit me, tried to rape me, molest me, etc. The list is so long and every woman I know has been mistreated in some way. I can be in a mixed group at work and I’m not intimidated by boy children or gay men. But I will not get in an elevator, office or walk down a grocery aisle if there is just a man there. If there is a woman or child or other people, I usually feel okay. I don’t like being in an office alone or sitting next to a man I don’t know. My fear has kept me from getting hurt. I am sure it has kept me from some opportunities and getting to know people but I pay that price to feel safe. I’m 56 and I have been afraid of men since I was 12 – that is when they started coming on to me. Maybe earlier, because my dad hit my mom and I saw it when I was a baby.
Dear Mary, my name is Wendy, and I have the exact same problems as you have. I have had many bad experiences with men also, and I cannot control my fear of them. I have not heard of anybody that has the same fears as I. It is highly debilitating and affects every part of my life. It’s like I have two people living in me, one that thinks how stupid I am and the other that thinks I’m a very smart person. Staying away from men has kept me safe also. It is very hard trying to understand this problem when you have no one else around you that knows what it’s like. My family thinks I am stupid and I avoid going to many places because there may be men there. I don’t know if this problem will ever stop, but at least I am safe while my brain thinks this way. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and helping me understand that I am not the only one, and I am not a weirdo like many people make you feel. I wish I could be normal again, but I’m too afraid to be. Thank you so much for showing me that I am not the only one with this problem. Kind regards from Wendy and her Rottweiler Zeus.
I’m 11 and terrified of rape. Not sure if this is because of my age. I’m bisexual but I’m probably just gonna date girls because I would feel safer.
I relate to you massively. I’m 15/16 and have never dated a man due to the crippling fear of rape or abuse, so I only dated women for a while. But my current fear is that I used them to “escape” from men. I’m nearly 16 and currently thinking I’m lesbian. I’d feel so much safer with a woman than a man, but I can’t help but feel guilty for never giving it a try.
Hi I’m Isaac and I’m a girl. I don’t know how I really turned into having a fear with men but for the past few years I have gotten a little worse. I think it’s mostly because my dad and mom argue and it scares me when they argue. My brother can be very aggressive and yelling. He once choked my mom because school got brought up and it scared my sister, she started crying and it really had an affect on all of us. My other brother hates my mom and yells a lot as well and it’s scary but I understand he has disabilities and can’t help that but sometimes he can be demanding. Recently I have noticed my dad likes to get rough and it’s really scary because he pretends he’s playing but I feel deep down in my gut that he likes hitting us. But I do love my family it’s just scary, really scary. I know I don’t have as bad times as other people commenting but I do know I get scared and my heart races, not in a good way, and I don’t really wanna be around any boys even though I’m bisexual. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.
Growing up, men always approached me no matter how young I was. I always remembered men being in my face. I remember when I was 11, I started getting sexualized. I was a bigger kid and my fat went mostly to my butt. I remember men saying I had a big butt for a child. When I was 14 I was touched sexually by my male cousin. When I was 15, I was raped by my first boyfriend. The same year I was touched by multiple boys in my school. Booty grabs etc. When I was 16, my boyfriend told my secrets to the whole school because I didn’t want to have sex with him. The same year I started thinking boys would only like me if I had sex with them. One boy didn’t like that I kept rejecting him. I wouldn’t let him touch me, so he started repeating what my boyfriend at the time was telling the school. I felt embarrassed. I moved to a new school and after multiple rejections I said yes to dating this guy. I had sex with him even though I hated him. As soon as I had sex with him he left. In fact they all left. Fast forward to today, I’m 18 and I’m scared of men. I go outside and men just want to talk to me. They can do something like hold the door as they were walking in and will demand a date which 9/10 means sex. I don’t want to walk outside at night. I don’t want to work with men. I don’t want to be around men. I’m afraid!
Hi, I’ve been suffering a fear of men since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I’m not really sure what triggered it. I’ve been bullied in primary all the way to secondary school by boys and girls. They would say things to make me feel bad about myself, it was mentally a living hell. Whilst being bullied, I never had an issue with liking a boy. It was after I had a crush on my school teacher. I became so self conscious because he was aware of my feelings for him. I’d hide whenever I saw him or try to act as normal when he was around but I would be in a state of panic inside. My heart would race, I could never look him in the eyes. When I was in college, I was not bullied but that’s when it got worse for me. I was a nervous wreck. I would cry because I was uncomfortable around men, to the point I was even afraid to be on the bus because I was scared that a man had evil intentions. That he was looking at me in the wrong way. It would make me feel disgusted. I’m not sure why I’m like this but I hate this feeling. It’s been 7 years and I’ve become better now. However, this feeling is still lingering. I just pretend it’s not there but deep down I know it’s there.
I am 38 years old. I have never been sexually assaulted by a man, nor do I fear that a man would do this to me; However, I have always been afraid of the opposite gender ever since I can remember and found it difficult to develop any bonding relationships with even my father or two older brothers. I never understood why and still don’t. Maybe because I never felt loved or accepted by them. This has affected how I interact with guys in general. I am very much attracted to the male gender but find them scary and intimidating. I want badly to have a boyfriend but I can’t even get that far. Any male attention or affection scares the heck out of me because it is so foreign to me and I’m not used to it. This being said, I also suffer from social anxiety which has hindered me from getting a job (although I have tried but didn’t last for very long). So I too have always been dependent on my parents which has created its own set of problems of course resulting in very low self esteem. My mother died last year so this is just my dad and me which left me with a lot of anxiety at first, as a lot of her care and taking on the womanly responsibilities of the house was left up to me. While my father and I still aren’t very close I have tried to understand him better and we have both learned to tolerate one another. I say all this to let you know that I get the pain and suffering that comes with dependency on someone else for your very existence and the plaguing fear of what’s going to happen when they can no longer be there. Others look at people like us and think we’re pathetic, but they just don’t understand the reality of what we suffer and are experiencing because they haven’t walked nor lived in our shoes. My only hope is in Jesus Christ. He is my Savior, my Father, my Councillor, and my dearest Friend. If it were not for Him, I would’ve given up years ago, but His strength keeps me going, keeps me trying to overcome my battles and daily struggles. My heart goes out to you, and I will certainly pray for you.
Hello, i just got through the comments and I don’t have words. I don’t even know if it’s my place to comment here anymore because nothing like that ever happened to me. For everyone who were abused i am so sorry you had to get through this.
I am an almost 17 year old female. I don’t know if i have this fear or not.
I am scared of mostly older men. Weirdly enough I don’t have some really bad experience but even those minor occasions caused me this fear. I was verbally bullied during elementary school by men and i associated this behavior with them. One time i was in an empty train and some man was sitting on a seat and as i was passing by him he went like “come here little girl, you can sit next to me”. He was like 60 and my heart started racing so much. I was on my way to mother’s work (i was about 8 or 10) and the whole time i was looking behind my back to check if he was following me. I was shaking horribly and felt really stressed. From that time on i never believed men. I got into grammar school and no one bullied me there but still i wasn’t making friends with them. I am shy and I don’t like to talk to people who I don’t know in general. I never understand my classmates saying “aww he’s so pretty” or something like this. When my classmates started to wear makeup as 12 year olds i got into a fight with them when i told them they were too young (i know now I shouldn’t have said it but i was just really worried about someone raping them). To this day i am not wearing any makeup and only now i started wearing clothes which show a little bit of my skin.
I hear stories from my classmates how some men approaches them and touch them. This never happened to me but every time i see older men (alone especially) i am thinking that they are gonna rape me or something.
At first i thought i was asexual or a-romantic but i don’t think that’s it (but who knows). Surprisingly i have a really bad relationship with my mother and take my dad almost as a best friend (he knows more about me than almost everyone else).
I don’t mind being with a big group where there are a lot of people (women and men) but when i am walking down a street and i see some men around ages 40-50+ staring at me i imagine how they want to rape me and do bad things to me immediately. Strangely enough when i know that man or boy I usually don’t feel like that around them.
For example i was with my two girlfriends and we were buying food. They are both so pretty but i have an unusual hairstyle (i am not a native English speaker so I don’t know how to write it in English but it looked like two small buns on the head). The man was some worker and i could feel alcohol from him. He approached us and said “wow you have cute hairstyles, they look totally super” and so on. I totally froze. I was trying to keep a straight face and ignore him (taking advantage of having my two friends around me). But gosh i was so frightened. My mind went from “which ice cream should i pick” to “he’s going to rape me and shoot to kill me”. Then we wanted to go by the river and i saw that man with his friends talking and drinking alcohol. I immediately said to my friends to take another route. They looked at me very confused and we went that route anyways. I almost couldn’t breathe and felt those stares on my back. I was so scared and now i am scared to wear that hairstyle even though it really suited me.
There were some comments about lesbians. Even though i have this fear i know i am not lesbian (but my fear usually happens with older boys and males – that’s also why i hate alcohol and never have even a drop of it because i am scared of men when they drink it – even when they are like 20). I am attracted to men (at least i had fantasies about then). Now i am trying to escape and i usually watch some anime and then fantasize about anime boys. So yea. Just thank you guys for seeing that i am not alone.
I relate to you so much! Older men always creep me out, even if it’s just an innocent old man walking. Horrible thoughts of being raped and killed always hurt my mind. It’s made me debate being lesbian, but I’ve never dated a boy my age. I’m scared he’ll use me, rape me, and throw me out. I’m really starting to avoid many unknown men in my life and cannot be in a room with any man over 30 without 2+ women of any older age near me.
Emily, I’m the exact same way! I’m 13 and my name is Emily too. I’ve been told lies about my father for 11ish years. I’m still trying to trust him after seeing him for only 2 years. He was kept from my life for about 11 years so that’s why I’m afraid of him. I live with my grandparents and mom and see my dad every other weekend but I still cant see myself to trust him.
He has done everything right to help me and I cant see him as most people see him. I’ve heard of men raping and torturing girls and the lies about my father don’t help the situation either. I cant trust older men or even really men like 1, 2 or 3 years older than me.
I am only partially afraid of men, and it’s mostly because when I was younger some drunk guy tried to kiss me (he didn’t get away with it). Also, after my grandma died a few years ago, my grandpa started trying to get me with him in bed, while sober. It was horrifying. I felt like I was going to be sick in both of these situations.
After the first occasion, I developed a fear of some men that I partially recovered from. However, it lay dormant throughout the years, and the fear was woken again when my grandpa started to, well, you know. I started to distrust most men from the moment I met them, because if you can’t trust a family member, who can you really trust?
I think my grandpa was overcome with grief for my grandma, and didn’t know what to do to stifle that grief. But I did end up being afraid of older men more than younger ones. Only a select few men do I trust, like my dad and my brothers.
Three years ago I met a guy that I just clicked with. Mostly because I trusted him from the moment we met, which is very strange for me.
Well, now we’re married, so that’s that. But I still haven’t gotten over the fear, although I’ve told my husband about trusting him from the beginning. I can hide the fear when in public, but whenever I’m alone with a guy, I start to have a panic attack.
Any specified advice for me is much appreciated. I’m glad I got that off my chest a little more.
I recently have noticed that my past “relationships” haven’t been the best as a straight woman. I’ve realized that I panic a lot when I’m around a guy that I might like. My breathing and blood pressure spike and I get really sad and overthink the simplest scenarios and things that I’ve said. I have 2 guy friends (both gay) so I know they’re not really going to do anything also they’re more of like brothers in a way. My dad has scared me in the past but nothing too serious or ever abusive but I do try to avoid him as much as I can. When I get paired in a 2 group project in school I sweat a lot especially if I get paired with a guy that I don’t know too well. I found out about this phobia like a few hours ago and it scares me how I have ALL the symptoms.
Alex Andra says
Omg, me too. The sheer thought of going into school because I will have to be put in a group with guys in my lesson. I don’t know how to talk to them because I am scared they’ll think I like them. I also can’t be around guys in my sixth form. I start to sweat around any guy I’m around. It’s so weird. I’ve never heard of anyone with this problem.
Alex Andra says
It’s such a shame, though, because I want to have good guy friendships because they seem really fun.
Hello. My name is Samantha and I am now 33 years old. I have been afraid of men since my teens. During my childhood I was exposed to scenes of men raping and torturing women. My dad was also aggressive and abusive. This all led me to have a mindset that all men are dangerous and want to rape women. Even though I know I am stereotyping men, I still feel horribly uncomfortable around men. When I go out, if a man so much as looks at me I think he is having thoughts to rape me or assault me in some way. I avoid talking to men, try not to make eye contact with them, will walk in a different direction to where I am going to avoid them, and will ignore them if they try to talk to me. I often have dreams that I am being raped by men. I am crying as I am typing this because it is so horrible and I don’t know anyone else who would understand how I feel. I am ashamed to have these prejudices. I just wanted to type this here because I don’t want to keep this bottled up. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
You are not alone. I have these fears too. I can’t even watch a male pastor because I associate men with hell. The only men I can sometimes tolerate are gay men or extremely effeminate ones. It is uncomfortable because my friends always want to hang around guys but I don’t.
Hello. I have similar issues. I’m a 13 year old girl and I have thoughts about that. I’m scared of older men and I can’t help it, I even feel uncomfortable around my own dad. I hate it so much but I can’t get rid of this fear. My mom thinks it’s stupid to think this way. I want someone to talk to but I don’t know anyone that’s close enough to me. I hope you’re doing better. Have a nice night/day.
No men in my life have ever sexually assaulted me, but I’m still scared of them. I’m not afraid of younger men, just 40+. I think it developed from my dad. He’s super kind, but he likes to show emotion through touch. He would surprise hug me, and it felt like I was being overpowered. A few years ago I swam for a local team. One of my male coaches would come up to me exiting or entering a bathroom to congratulate me on my races. Whenever I was practicing with the group, he would single me out for doing something right. I finally quit when I had nightmares of him proposing to me. I only have one male teacher this year and his father committed suicide a few years ago so he can tell that I’m suicidal. He keeps trying to get me to say it, but he’s just scaring me. I’m scared that one day the love of my life will be in his 40s and we’ll have to divorce because I’m too scared to look him in the eyes, that all the good memories will be replaced with fear that he’s going to rape me. To any 40+ man reading this, I’m sorry that people like me are scared. I’m glad my grandfather died before I was afraid of men. I would have done myself a long time ago if I was scared of an angel.
I empathize with a lot of these comments and it’s a bit more comforting to know I’m not alone, but basically, the irrational and intense feeling of being scared of old-ish men has kind of spiraled and stemmed from around age 11 (I discovered pornography around then) until now. I always feel like male teachers have inappropriate thoughts about me and end up acting nervous and different from the other girls that are smooth and, to my knowledge, don’t have the same mindset as me. I’ve tried explaining this to one of my close friends that I tell a lot of my problems to and she does to me and I think she tried to agree and empathize, but I knew she didn’t have the same struggles in the sense that she didn’t have an irrational sense of fear and uncomfortableness around any man really.
During the most recent summer my uncle ended up coming over a lot and I had that feeling of discomfort almost every time I was around any man, especially men who are naturally touchy or over-friendly (which is basically my uncle). I was just sitting in the couch in baggy clothes and he came to sit down next to me after talking to my dad and greeting my brothers (at the time my mother was away for work for only a few days). So he came into the living room and sat next to me and kind of shifting towards me and asking me about school. I’m currently still going through puberty and used to be a ‘weirdo’. I was into anime and all but I stopped and started dressing and acting like other girls my age, which I think he noticed and started being extra friendly (in my opinion). So he just sat there and asked “so are you going out anywhere with your friends today” which would just seem like a question that any family member would ask but he started asking it a lot ever since we accidentally crossed paths and I was embarrassed because I was with my friends and he was almost acting hyper, which definitely made me uncomfortable. But anyways, I replied to him by saying a blunt “no” and tried to seem rude because that summer I was also going through a VERY rough time with mental illness which I don’t share with anyone, not even my own family. But he also made it worse at that time.
So when he got up to leave he made me VERY uncomfortable by saying “give us a kiss then“ and I just said no and he went in for one on the lips which I obviously avoided. I was so horrified and that scene almost kept replaying in my mind for the next few days and then my mind almost wiped that part and ended up just remembering parts that I’m able to gather and obviously share this story.
When he left I went straight up to my bedroom and sobbed as quiet as possible and for the next few days, I didn’t eat, I barely slept, I had even stronger suicidal thoughts than ever and almost having the guts to go through with it and I performed extreme acts of physical self harm. Worst summer of my life so far, and that summer was around the time I had little to no friends. Only one and we kept missing each other due to holidays.
I also think or have a suspicion that I was sexually assaulted again when I was younger and have no recollection of it? I just don’t understand why I feel this way around ALL men, even my own father, since he was and is very close with my uncle.
There is a lot more to this and I feel like it belongs on reddit or something. I also suffer from low self esteem, a constant feeling of awkwardness between myself and anyone, I always feel self-conscious and am extremely fidgety. Also I’ve started to instead of feeling sad or overall depressed I recently feel empty or just anxious or numb. Whatever the feeling I haven’t been genuinely happy in over 3 years and this ‘Androphobia’ that I don’t want to self diagnose myself with, but this supposed fear of men, is effecting how I see myself and others and I just want it to STOP.
Thank you to anyone if you read through all of this. It took some courage to post and please if you have any advice for any of the problems I have please tell me.
I don’t really have advice for the androphobia but I do want to mention that the more time one spends caring about whether or not they are popular, the more unhappy they are. Some parents who were unpopular but wished they were more popular and were miserable will misattribute how miserable they were to the lack of popularity and do their best to make their kids popular but guess what? Popular kids are on average even more unhappy because it is the constant worrying about what others are thinking and trying to please them that brings misery. It made me sad to hear that you have been trying to conform to the norm because when we try to hide who we are we may feel like now we have more friends or are treated better but deep down we know they are responding to a fake us so none of the affection or friendship can really reach our hearts. That’s not to say there are not good reasons to change but they should be because of your desires you should build your ideas of who you want your future self to be based on what will make you happier and be someone you can be proud of. Is your family stigmatizing about mental health? If so I can see how it would be hard to talk to them about any of this, but again, if you’re afraid they will love you less or look down on you if they knew, remember when we hide our true selves all the love and affection in the world can’t reach us. You will often find that when you let family know who you are deep inside the gulf that may seem to make between you was already there, they just see it now. They thought they were loving you but they were loving the old you, but your family, even if they might react in an upset way, that will only be because it makes them shocked and grieved that they are not as close to you as they want to be and when they recover from the shock they will do their best to be close to and love the new you and you will find your heart suddenly full of the love you tried so desperately to keep by hiding yourself. That’s how it was for my trans brother, he said he never knew really what it felt to be loved and happy until he was loved for who he really was. I wish you the best.
rational male says
Androphobia is seeded in society via a fake feminist movement.
It is promoted in Universities with the so called gender studies. A fake social science, because it lacks the minimal methodological rigor.
It starts with the premises that “all the evil in this world is due to testosterone”, “males are the seed of every violence in this world”, “we have to destroy this patriarchate” (does it really exist?), “women can and should trust in women, all belong to a sorority”, “males can never be trusted, if they want to support women in their protests, don’t allow it, they cant understand women”, “the patriarchate forces women to marry and what is worse to have children”, “the grammar excludes women, say women and man, that is the inclusive language”.
The last is the most stupid of all, grammatically men includes males and females, separating the subject in males and females is the opposite of including, i.e. excluding. The ‘inclusive language’ is in fact exclusive.
Separating everything in a discourse is lack of intelligence, literally, because the loss in the economy of language is a loss in abstraction. Abstraction is what allow us to deal with complex concepts, not talking about something separating every case. Abstraction plays the role of factorization in mathematics 2[x+y] is shorter than 2x+2y and much more than x+x+y+y. What about the LGBTTIW thing. Should one say ‘Hello Everybody!’ or ‘Hello straight women, straight men, lesbians, gays, etc.’?
That destruction of language is perverse, seeks to obstacle communication and reasoning.
All the above tenets of this fake feminism were heard in TV and radio shows that pretend to educate society and are at charge of feminist and gender academic ‘experts’. The worse is that they say that they are against discrimination, but promote discrimination and hate, not just against males, they also discriminate the feminist women who are focused in the equity of rights, and other authentic concerns about the labor conditions, etc. but they call them geronto-feminists. They are discriminated because they are old and don’t understand their favorite authors that promote a sorority to join their efforts of hate against males, as an axiomatic true stated as “males are the cause of every evil thing in this world.”
Gender studies are a fake social science aimed to seed hate against males as an effective strategy to divide the society to distracting it from the real problem, the abuse of corrupt governments. As a side effect it also pretends to lower the population grow rate.
It is a shame to hear many intellectuals repeating very ill built arguments with no critical analysis at all.
Girls who are afraid of males, understand that not all males have power positions and not all have in mind to rape women. Both males and females fall in love with the effect of testosterone (women also have it in less quantity than estrogen), it is not the hormone of violence, that is another lie.
Don’t let those hate seeders kill your capacity to feel love, live that beautiful part of live. Unfortunately not all relations succeed, some males lie to women and also many women lie to males. In many languages is said a broken hearth after a relation fail.
Many countries refuse to give a sexual education that covers the pleasure and the behavior involved in the relations, not just the reproductive part, giving the idea that contraception is the only important thing in that.
What about understanding how to protect against heart-breaking without an androphobic nor paranoid discourse. Not as easy as talking about protecting against the STDs, because it is a more complex matter, but man, there is a huge amount of literature and films about love stories.
That is what is needed better, a complete sex education.
Every time I am around a guy, especially alone with them, I always feel like they’re going to rape me or hurt me.
Me too, but only if i don’t know them.
Paul C Draper says
As a former pastor of 24 years, I hate to see so many who are afraid of men. Most people (especially women) I don’t think realize rape is supposedly more of a crime of violence than of sexuality. What drives it is supposed to be hatred, not lust, but I’m sure there are combinations of such. For years I worked with youth and children. Once or twice perhaps someone gave a thought to whether their kids were safe. Very unusual I believe. Now that I am no longer a pastor, I still talk with kids and youth, and sometimes I am tickled and smile at something. For some, I may seem to show too much attention, but it is a natural consequence of who I am. It is sad to think we have to go out of our way to alter the way we behave, but in modern society that may be the only answer. You can always be hurt by others, but sometimes we hurt ourselves most. Self-defense may be a partial answer.
Me too. Yet somehow I’m still attracted to guys. It’s kinda confusing.
I have never been assaulted in any sexual manner. My father was verbally and mentally abusive. I am scared that the men that I meet all hurt me as he did. He abandoned me and rejected me. He would rather have a new family. I am so scared of men. Whenever I get near then I think that they can overpower me with their strength. I am a very weak person. And I’m very scared of getting raped.
Destiny kingston says
My stepdad molested me from the time I was 4 till I was 16. It’s horrible. I still fear men but like it says I’m slowly desensitizing myself. My sister has a boyfriend and he’s awesome, not all men are bad.
Any time I see a guy I get scared all the time. I was abused when I was eight years old, now I am 21 and still scared to be around guys or a guy that is my friend. I want to deal with this fear.
Women terrorize their children. Narcissists are in both genders. Often it’s always portrayed as only men are abusers. My mother was a narcissist sociopath. She and her mother took away my trust and I fear women. I do not feel safe and don’t trust.
Lately, I’ve been having awful nightmares about men doing awful things to me, like kidnapping me, holding me captive, raping me, etc. And I feel I have no reason to be having these nightmares. I’ve never experienced anything like that. The most I’ve ever experienced is men threatening to hurt me. But there were never any actions. So why am I so afraid?
Hi Jenna, I’ll try to keep this brief. Based on my experience and that of friends and family:
Bad dreams may be caused by:
1. A bad or scary experiences.
2. Watching violent movies/shows, etc.
3. Hanging out with people who are dabbling into the occult.
4. Not walking with Jesus. (Seek the living God. Read the Bible. Call on his name. Start with the Gospel of John. And find a loving church, that only preaches from the Bible.)
5. Certain over the counter herbs.
6. Certain medications.
7. Meeting someone who leaves you feeling unsettled. At night, your brain connects the dots. You have a nightmare and realize the person isn’t safe. In this case, I keep my distance. I don’t try to over-think it. I trust God is warning me that this person is trouble.
8. You may feel unsafe, unsure of yourself, as if no one has your back. (Pray. Reach out to people who love you.)
9. Use of drugs, such as crystal meth.
10. Someone close to me is worshipping statues or idols.
11. Having idols/religious statues in our home. It may seem decorative or seem hip, but it may open a window to nightmares of that sort.
I’m only scared of cute men, when I was little I was assaulted by two boys. The one who ordered the assault was cute, the one who assaulted me was ugly. Wouldn’t it be the opposite for me?
My father abused me. After a while I think I acquired this fear. It’s only of men that specifically intimidate me or older men, older men is usually always. I feel a mood shift in me, and I can’t stand to be near them. I try and hide it, but after awhile it comes back out and my body naturally shifts away from them. I feel as if I can’t talk to them or joke with them at that point. I feel like i can’t touch them ever or be close enough for them to touch me. I am absolutely petrified when they walk close to me. Sometimes I actually do jolt back, and have to play it off as a joke. I’m 17, this isn’t normal. Regardless I’m working on it. I just wanted to make sure this was real before I went off self-diagnosing myself.
My friend told me “oh then you must be lesbian if you don’t let guys touch you” and now I’m confused.
I have always had crushes on boys but whenever one got close to me I’d panic. For a long time I was convinced that most men had bad intentions and were out to get you. I would not go anywhere alone. I saw a therapist when I was thirteen who told my mother she thought I was a lesbian because of it. I was not. I am not. I don’t feel comfortable around my own father, I fear that even he could have predatorily sexual thoughts toward me and it freaked me out. He has done NOTHING to suggest he’d ever do such a thing, it’s just how my mind works and it has severely handicapped our relationship. My family makes jokes about it, but when I was seven, my grandpa said he’d like to take me out to dinner sometime and I told him I didn’t want to because I didn’t want people to think we were on a date. I’m 24 now and I still don’t feel comfortable alone in a room for long with my 84 year old grandpa. He is the sweetest most gentle soul I have ever known and I still fear him. So you can imagine how I am with men I’m not related to. In time, my chronic fear faded to the point where I’m actually able to live a normal life and go out in public alone etc. but like I said, that discomfort is always there. I trust no man. Not one. It’s not because I think I am this hot desirable thing, but I always feel like men are thinking nonconsensual sexual thoughts about me and it makes me feel disgusted and uneasy. I’m so awkward when I’m alone with a guy because of it. But with time it’s getting less and less so I’m hoping I’m able to just have it keep improving. I have no clue how I came to have this fear, I wish I had an answer so I could tackle it. I’d guess just watching a lot of true crime shows at a young age and watching my mother get stalked and harassed as well as my sister and just growing up as a woman knowing that men are threats. I don’t know… it sucks though. It does not mean you are a lesbian.
We’ve got the same situation, Hayley.. one of my aunts even thought I’m lesbian of how I dress. I am just scared of showing skin, and thought men or guys that sees me too expose of clothes would do something bad to me. I am quite scared with my father too. When he pats my head, I shoo his hand away. I tell myself, he won’t do anything, he would NEVER do anything bad to me, but my stubborn mind just can’t understand it.
I really hate being touched, pat on the head by a man, I even started hating being hugged by anyone, a girl or a boy. I even push my friend away when she hugs me.
I’ve always had this irrational fear of guys, especially around my age. Probably because they are so cocky, loud and it just makes me feel scared. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m scared that they are staring at my ass all the time, or making sexual jokes. It is just Super uncomfortable for me. This might be due to me being in a girl’s school so I don’t really interact with them but when I do, I just feel extremely awkward and there is like this awkward sexual tension. I sort of crave it, but when it is like boys I don’t trust it is just so uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do. None of my friends have such a problem.
Riley White says
Same, i’ve always been afraid of men. One time when i was trying my best to fit in at school someone would always try their best to sexually harass me, like touch me in places i didn’t want them to, but every time i turned around they got away and i could not get a clear picture of them. And when i was eight i was a little nervous to be going overnight to someone’s house. My mom knew and their nephew molested me and was about to rape me. I didn’t know what to do at the time cause i was paralyzed in fear and after that i didn’t trust being near men. Every time i was near one i would start shaking and sweating and try to find a place to hide. But to this day i’m still being harassed and i hate men and wish i was born all female instead of half female half male.
That is exactly how I feel. It really does suck a lot.
I feel the same about my family members. I never used to have this fear until my brother started making gross comments about my body. I shrugged it off the first time but then he said it again later, and several times after that. He’s since stopped saying anything but now I can’t see him the same way. His comments were about how thick I was, how I was curvy, etc. I now mistrust all of my male family members. I’ve started reading into how my dad acts around me and I’ve noticed how he stares at me a lot and smiles at me. I know he probably just loves me because I am his daughter but I can’t get over the fear that he sees me sexually. Getting into movies and seeing stepfather/stepdaughter ones has also made me fear this. I don’t know if it’s just the taboo that people like but there must be some men out there fantasizing about their daughters. I used to be addicted to going on these sites, but now that this fear is here I am deathly afraid of them and only go on gay sites. My whole world feels like it’s corrupted. I wish sex just wouldn’t exist. I only walk backwards out of rooms now and I have extreme paranoia that my dad or brother are looking at my butt, so much that I physically can’t face backwards to them. This fear is taking over my life and all I want is to have a normal relationship with my dad and brother because I love them both but this fear keeps nagging at me.
Carmen, your friend is misguided by our misguided culture.
I was sexually assaulted, so the thought of sex is disturbing to me. That doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. It means I was harmed at many levels and I need to work through the pain, anger, angst, and fear. With all my heart, I am still attracted to men. I like men, and long to be in a loving, long-term relationship with a man. But, it’s going to take time.
Don’t let anyone define you or re-define you. Find a Christian counselor who will respect your true identity and help you walk through the pain. Read the Bible, beginning in the Gospel of John, and through the Book of Psalms. Find a loving Christian church, that only teaches from the Bible.
I will pray for you.
To me sexuality can be a fluid thing for some. But if you’ve had sexual, verbal or physical assault you will believe women are safer. This is not always true. Women can use and abuse as well. Usually a good therapist can help you sort out your feelings. Just because at one point in your life you dislike or even hate men doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian. But because you’re experiencing confusion maybe see a counselor that doesn’t sway you one way or the other. It’s up to you if you feel like experiencing women. Nothing wrong about this. But if you’re confused a great counselor can help you through it. Hope that helps a bit.
Paul C Draper says
The LGBTQ crap is off the rails! Our educational system has been hijacked by people infecting the minds of the younger generations. Texts used to indicate that perhaps as many as 1 in 25 persons were geared toward alternate lifestyles. Now, they may suggest as many as 1 in 4. The bizarre metamorphosis of society was largely generated as the result of Richard Kinsey, his wife and assistants who were also members of his sex club and participated in studies heavily skewed by prison populations for their supposedly “normal” statistics. Since then, Hollywood, then the media, then the American educational system bought in. So now, society behaves like criminal humans who are caged. Lovely. Don’t buy into the bull. Zombie and occult fascination isn’t normal either.
So i have a really bad fear of men. Just even trying to talk about it my stomach sinks, heart races, and i feel so ashamed of myself. This fear has been with me for as long as i can remember. I’ve even tried talking to my mom that something may have happened to me when i was younger, but she dismisses me and says “that’s impossible, stop overreacting”. Maybe i am overreacting or being delusional. I can’t feel comfortable around my own father or older brother! Anytime i am alone with a guy or full grown man i tense and feel the need to hide my body. I always keep an eye on them and keep my side to them. I just don’t know what to do, literally any reaction you can think of being afraid of men i do. I’m only 14. People say it’s normal, but something in the back of my mind is telling me something else, but it’s like it is blocking it from my own memory and only giving me those type of responses due to what may have happened. Everyone’s post say they remember at a very young age, but me? All i can do is hear that repeating voice in the back of my mind that something has happened. I’m scared, i don’t want to live like this, no matter how hard i try to get over it, it only gets worse.
My mother was a narcissist sociopath and her mother was scary also. This is one sided. I am afraid of women because of abuse by them. In our society women are only seen as victims not abusers. Also it’s thought that only men molest children and think it is rare for a woman to do this. Male survivor / abuse by females. Often when I say I was molested it’s denied or minimized. Mothering instinct is a myth.
You sound so so much like me. I’m 24 now and I am the same way with even my family members. I refuse to show cleavage and whenever my dad and I would watch something I’d have a panic attack if there was even just kissing in it. I feel for you. I don’t know why either. I told my mom the same thing, I feel like something happened to me, but nothing that I can remember did and I hate to assume that when there are actual sexual abuse victims and I have no idea who would’ve done it. So.
Anonymous, I’m no expert on this. There are likely a lot of things that can cause a fear or a phobia. I pray God makes you strong, so if you have been harmed in any way, you will have the strength to work through the pain and loss.
Oh my gosh, are we the same person? I’m going through the exact same experience and I feel so bad about it because I know I should trust my male family members regardless of their gender but I’m still terrified. I keep wondering if something in the past happened by a man but I cannot remember anything. I constantly obsess over if I forgot something and it’s tearing me apart and I really need help but my therapist isn’t helping me.
Reading all these stories has made me want to share mine. However, I prefer to stay anonymous.
At the age of 13 I was taken advantage of to say the very least. A new family friend moved into the neighborhood. He groomed me until I believed it was love. Cornered me and took all my dignity. Four days later I turned 14. I can never celebrate my birthday the same anymore due to this. The abuse continued for 6 months, and then, his fiancee came back. He began to verbally and emotionally abuse me instead of sexually. It took a bully in school for me to finally break. After being told, “everyone knows you’re not a virgin”, I practically yelled at them, “yes because it was rape.” I stormed to the guidance office, sobbing. I told the counselor everything. They called my mum and she cried. She cried and cried because this man hurt her baby girl.
She was used too when she was younger. She was just as blind as I was. Together we cried in that guidance office, and waited while the counselor made the necessary calls.
The next day 7 state cops showed up in my small town private neighborhood. We were told to go drive elsewhere, for our safety. I’ll never forget the night before, his mother was ecstatic because things were looking good for him on his other previous charges.
I’m older now, and still, I can’t be around men. I am blessed to have the most amazing and protective boyfriend now. He takes care of me, and makes all the pain disappear.
I just want to remind all young girls, any person who is an adult, with a big age gap, and has a sexual or physical attraction to you is a predator.
I pray for the day all children can be kids.
I have a strong fear of men. It started when I was 7 yrs old sexually abused on my communion by my friends uncle. Didn’t stop there my mom married a child molester who molested me my brother and raped my sister. To say I have problems is an understatement. I was 17 and raped by knifepoint and left on the side of a freeway. My mom was the worst mom ever and selfish and did not protect us. I was date raped when I was 22. My x husband physically assaulted me and verbally abused my son at the time. I have been in counseling many years and have been on many meds. But this has not helped. I really want to have someone in my life but I am afraid. And do not trust anyone.
I’m fearful of men. Have been since my first male teacher in 7th grade there is nothing inappropriate about him but for some reason triggered something in me and have continued this fear ever since. I am almost 29 now and still have no idea why I have this such reaction and fear. I have never had a job because it’s more than difficult to find a job around just women. I was unable to attend college. My fear and the lack of living with this phobia of men I have become agoraphobic now as well. I don’t have a life to live I’m not living at all. It hurts to know I may never rid of my fear. I have tried just about everything. Androphobia is the reason for my depression. Right now I am currently being taken care of by my parents and I’m horrified to know that their time will come and when it does I will have nowhere to stay and nothing to my name. I will be homeless in the corner with the shadows. It’s hard not to feel the need to prepare my future death when with my parents goes my last option.
It’s like I recognize you, although I am not agoraphobic. My native language is not English, so excuse my language mistakes. Is there a way we can communicate?
Hi my name is Maddi my father is a proclaimed “Christian” he Physically abused me and sexually abused me for 20 years. As far as the sexual abused he never raped or molested me but later on in my teens and adulthood my mother would force me to kiss him excessively over the years and even get angry if I did not. I’m not afraid to be alone guys at or around my own age, I can even be in the same room alone with a guy my own age and that doesn’t scare me. However, since I left my abusive home about 4 almost 5 months ago it scares me to death to be around Dads, I started staying with my boss last week to whom I Nannied for two years for, literally the kindest person in the universe she has a husband and I feel completely safe and comfortable around him. Tomorrow she will be going with her kids to Lego Land I was supposed to stay at the house with her husband (to whom I feel completely comfortable with) and her father who I don’t. Its just cause I don’t know him I guess and I know he safe but I feel even like anytime there is a dad I don’t know I get stressed, deathly afraid, I can’t eat, and I start to get all antsy.. What should I do she asked if it was if it was because I didn’t feel comfortable and I said yes but now I feel like a horrible human being. Should I have just kept my mouth shut she’s a really kind person and I look up to her.. but idk I feel like I may have broke something between us by even saying that.
I am mildly but pervasively androphobic.
I have trouble connecting with or befriending men.
Part of it is from conditioning in childhood. Unintentional, but the product of an ingrained distrust of men within the women of my very matriarchal family.
“He’s a man. I am not going to leave my daughter with him.”
“No. Of course not.”
Is an example of a conversation I remember. The former an older woman, maybe a cousin; the latter my mom.
And even now I can’t blame them for their mistrust of men in general. There is not a woman in my family that I can recall that doesn’t have a trauma inflicted on them by a man. Abusive husbands. Fathers. Rapes and molestation by people they knew. By other family members.
And as a man… it is quite damaging to my self-esteem.
For instance, I’m very good with children, but always feel like even my family watches me out of the corner of their eye when I interact with them or spy on me when I babysit. Sometimes I feel like somehow I am “one of the good ones” that can be trusted with children. I know it’s not true. There are good men, but.. sometimes I think, “they’re also exceptions.” I spent my life trying to be the exception. Being one of the good, trustworthy men. Like my dad.
I hate myself, also for having a very high libido. One woman I was involved with criticized it, when I was turned on easily by something. Saying, “Of course. You’re a guy.” And that was devastating. I felt ashamed. She may have meant it playfully.. but it felt derogatory. Having a male stereotype thrusted upon me like that. Because male over sexuality is among the most disliked things.
I both hated masculine parts of me and hate that I am not masculine enough to attract women. It’s weird. I also avoid overly masculine things and avoid many stereotypical masculine activities.
I hate some aspects of my masculinity. Like the aforementioned male libido and sexuality. This can be a problem sometimes because most of my friends are women. And most of them are gorgeous or otherwise extremely attractive. And I don’t like that I am occasionally attracted to my friends like that. Attraction causes problems in friendships. Especially if acted on.
I also feel like… because I am a man, there are parts of friendship that are not open to me with my female friends. I see some of them go on a girls’ day… And I am jealous. I will never be able to participate in such things. I will never be invited to girly things and as such, I feel I will never be as deep friends as many of my friends are with each other.
In the end I am a man who hates myself in part because I am a man. I am not trans or anything. I have no desire to be female. I just.. Don’t want to be treated so differently by my friends and family just because I am a man.
And I can’t connect with men well because I have little in common with many men.
I also hate that I am not manly enough for the occasional object of my affection to be attracted back. And that is a conflict within me.
I am both proud of my lack of masculinity and hate myself for having both a lack of and having too much. And I shouldn’t feel any of that.
I also actively avoid befriending men. Especially very masculine ones. Because I feel insecure around them (not manly enough to hang around with them) and afraid of them, oddly. As well as having little in common interest-wise with many men.
Not to mention the rampant misogyny in male culture is disgusting to me and having to deal with BS like that around my cousins is more than enough to keep me away from other male social circles.
I was abused when I was 13. I felt like I died. After that I always started to play roles of other mens when I was around men who I think could abuse me. All this fear and shaking and horror. I didnt understand what was wrong with me until I was 23 and a relative asked if I was abused when I was a kid. Then I started to slowly connect the dots. Now I have learned that my feelings have a root where they come from. Sometimes I get flashbacks. When Im home I start to act being raped. Its called body memory and then I scream. It must look really weird but for me it just feel normal and actually I feel much better afterwards.
I don’t know if I have this fear. I started dating my now ex boyfriend (my age) a few months ago, and we only went on two dates, thankfully. He would constantly make jokes about sex or doing things with me, and I would constantly ask him if he meant them. I was raised in a very christian family, with no swearing, no mention of sex, wait to give yourself up until marriage, etc. I was not used to people casually talking about it like he did. We went to the movies and he would want to kiss me, but I had never kissed anyone in my life. When I broke up with him, I cried for hours. Not because I missed him, but because I felt like I would never find anyone that would love me for who I was and not just for my body or to do the things they wanted with me. I have been told on multiple occasions that people like me for my looks, but I don’t want to go through that again with anyone. I constantly feel like all of my relationships with men, even my father, are based on my appearance or impure thoughts. I did not feel this way before and I don’t know what to do about it. All of my friends have started dating guys and I can’t even talk to them without getting nervous or afraid. Anyone have any advice?
My father was extremely physically abusive when I was just a toddler. So, my mother divorced him. Unfortunately, custody had to be shared and during these weekend visits, while he was careful not to physically abuse me (so as to not lose custody), he and his wife kept me alone in a room 90% of the time. Then, when I was 6, he invited my mother to eat at a restaurant and killed her in the car. As an upper, middle class, white policeman with excellent lawyers he got off on temporary insanity. So, when I was 9, he was happy to illegally take full custody of me, and by the age of 12 1/2 he began, suddenly, severely abusing me physically. I had to run away at 15 as I could see I would not survive the next beating.
For a long time, I was just afraid of older men. However, if men get aggressive or dishonest with me, I quickly dislike and fear them, too.
There are so many jobs I have quit to calm this fear. I have dated two gay men (pretty happily and platonically) because of this fear. While I still adore gay men as they make me feel safe, I am trying to have a successful adult relationship with a man which does not sour into fear. I would like to be able to trust someone long-term.
Even my ex-husband began getting frightening and threatening me after over a decade of good relations. He became somewhat physically aggressive (nothing terrible, just shoving during arguments, etc.) and I could not remain married. Once the fear set in, my physical attraction for him dried up.
I just realized tonight how far-reaching this fear is. I did trust my uncle and a grandfather, but they are dead now. While I am grateful as this fear has kept me safe from a wide number of men (since I keep company with so few of them..), I do hope to be able to trust one man fully in the future as a spouse. I do like men as long as they don’t touch me (unless we are dating/married) or try to intimidate me. I would like to be more comfortable with them as a whole. I hate to always be secretly sizing them up to figure out if I can fight them off if anything should go wrong. I am brave enough (2 years now) to not carry a pepper spray everywhere anymore, but I still suddenly disappear a lot.
Ana, I would not have been able to live through that kind of a childhood. I’m so sorry about your mom.
I hope you find the right person for you. Good luck in life!
I didn’t know this was even a phobia, I though I was just crazy for having a fear of men. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t at all hate someone just for being a man, I just have a fear of them like how you get afraid when you are at the top of a building, or when you see a spider or a shadow in a dark alley, Like the looming sense of danger or a threat. I have a friend that is a man and I just seem to be freaking out like something bad will happen when im with him, Of course he is nice and wouldn’t even hurt a fly but he is taller and more active than I am but I just seem to be afraid of him. However, it’s not just him, I fear my father, the other boys in my school, or even random men I see at the store, I just get really anxious and avoid eye contact. I think my friend is starting to notice though because he asks me if im ok when I look nervous around him, of course I say im fine but apart of me wants to run out the door, I guess I hold my ground because I just don’t want to seem like a pansy (even tho i am) around him. I REALLY hope this fear won’t follow me into my adulthood….
Thankfully I’ve never been raped before, but it seems like I have a slight fear of males. I do stutter, get sweaty and feel very shy towards them. Partially due to my parents/grandparents instilling a fear of strange men (not to trust them at all in fear of getting raped) and partially because I want to fit in (with peers) and not lose a potential partner. I think I have more anxiety than androphobia though.
Rick Jackson says
Oh, okay. Thanks. I do tend to overreact when I read something that describes me so specifically. Androphobia does seem to fit pretty well.
Amna Ali says
I don’t know whats going on with me. I hate men, a sense of dislike and a disgust whenever they are around. My uncle was a pedophile and tried to sexually abuse me when I was 4 but my mom caught him just in time. She told my father but he loved his brothers blindly and accused my mom but my mom whom I love dearly insisted but nothing changed and he kept on living with us but my mom tied a rope on my hands one that connected me with her it made me feel safe. My father was a soldier and me moved places a lot and finally my uncle left. I had a picture perfect memory I even remember the places we went when I was 2 years old but these memories were blocked and I at the age of 16 finally gained access to it. I can’t sleep or sometimes I cry all night or pull my hair until I feel numb but no one knows. I am 19 now, a medical student with a bright future and I am a great actor always was. I don’t fear men just hate them. My father was not a nice husband and always treated my mom like shit even though she is a doctor and earns a lot of money which she gives all to him. I asked her to divorce him but because of my young siblings she refuses. All the men in my family are shit some are cheating while some are physically abusing there wife. I can talk to everyone and people usually mention that I have a lot of confidence then most people. I get perfect marks a perfect car or a perfect life which most people assume but its not true. I’m suffocating and I stopped making friends or contacting my old friends because my best friend betrayed me. I have completely isolated myself and I tend to keep to myself though I am a fun to be around and people feel really good when they are with me, a lot of boys respect me and are really nice too. I don’t blame them its that I fear being end up just like my mom or anyone else. The more I hide these feelings the more hollow I become, the more emotions I have to fake. There is no female consultant in my town. I told my family but they think its just teenage hormones and avoided the topic. I’m breaking down into pieces and I thought I was alone but its nice to know there are people like me. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I’m with you I have been sexually abused since I was six by my piano teacher and when I told my family they thought I just wanted attention but I don’t know what to do and all my teachers are male in my school and I keep on getting panic attacks.
Paul C Draper says
I hope and pray you have found an answer. The bad thing about crappy men is that within a family they seem to train others to be the same way. I didn’t feel the uncles on my mother’s side were very respectful of women. It showed in varying degrees. And some details I can only speculate on.
There are various support groups if not within counseling centers then churches which deal with all sorts of situations. If there is a church with a singles ministry, you could suggest having a study on this subject. You would not be alone.
I think the best way of facing our fears is just that. As much as possible deal with what we fear without pushing too far into discomfort. Never risk more than you feel you can.
Every one of us was once just a kid. Many raised better than the abusive men in your family. But I have to say, I don’t see this world getting any better. Place your trust where you can, and dare to enjoy life as much as is possible. God bless!
My name is Cyn, I have this friend of mine who is going through this phobia and she only recently told me about it today. Anyways this request is for my dear best friend (she’s like a sister to me so I’m really worried). She has anxiety when socialising with men (in a way, she always thinks that they’re going to harm her which then actives her defence mode and changes her behaviour speaking harsh). She’s terriefied of the idea of being in a relationship (in general she’s terrified on the idea of a guy liking her, she doesn’t believe it’s possible! Once again she thinks back to him hurting her) although she wish to have children in the future tho (yay!). She’s scared of being in a DV relationship (physical or verbal) she’s scared of heartbreak. Do you guys have any ideas how we can overcome this? I mean if you have similar experience please help! (She’s only attracted to men but the fear exists) please feel free to give us ideas of how you worked on yourself.
Well the fact that she is attracted to men is a good start. Most people with fear of men tend to hate/fear men that they end up not realizing that they fell in love with a guy or even worse it takes them forever to realize their feelings. I think it would be good if she likes a guy. Hmmmm i see two things in this situtuation. one if she is scared of them then something must had happened to her?? Two the fact about heartbreaks in relationships and so on… Does that also mean she was in a relationship or what? Or was it what she had observed guys doing in relationships? Did she perhaps start out with hating men first? Advice would be for her to be around guys is to have girls there as well. Also it be good if she has a job where she has male coworkers. The point is that she needs to a least make conversations with them little by little.
Hi, Cyn. I just want to say that I completely, 100%, relate with your friend.
I have the same problem… and I just don’t know what to say… she probably have her own reasons why is she acting like that, as well as me… literally 20 minutes ago I almost had no idea why is it like this, but after reading all of these comments, I realized so many things.
I knew that I was scared of boys/males, but I never thought that it has it’s name, until my roommate said that, and I immediately google-ed about it, and here I am. Maybe this is a closer reason why I am as well “a romantic” person. It all makes sense now, somehow.
I think that I’ll visit a therapist next week, and I hope that your friend will be fine and win this battle!
its called Being a Feminist. :-)
No it’s not how can you tell these women that! What is wrong with you! Feminist movement is a positive way to show your power as a women not to hate or fear men… these women need help, and you are telling them it’s a good thing to live in fear. That it’s normal to fear men because all men are bad this is just as unfair as men saying women can’t be equal to men… I very much hope you know what harm you are doing both to the brave women here asking for help or sharing their experience and to feminism!
Inu Kagamine says
I was abused and raped when I was 8 years old and not only once by my tutor. After that I changed my teacher and thought that maybe this raping would end… but one day my father raped me when he was drunk.. and he doesn’t have any memory of it. So I didn’t dare to tell him since my family relations are all broken down. After 4 years i didn’t have androphobia… once I was 14 years old… symptoms of androphobia have been popping out and it makes me feel disgusted looking at boys or even wave at them.
I am a male who was sexually assaulted when I was 6. I have a very mild form of androphobia, not enough to keep from having male friends, but enough to keep me from being comfortable with more masculine men. It did reach a point where in 8th grade the act of going into the boys locker room actually made me nauseous. I still don’t like doing masculine things, and at times don’t even like my own masculinity.
I was raped when I was 9 and the sexual assault continued until I was about 14. A close relative did this to me but thank Karma, cancer got him and the abuse ended. it’s been 3.5 years since then and I can’t help but be afraid of men who approach me on a non-platonic pursuit. I fear it’s going to happen all over again. I’ve had to say no to too many good guys because of this fear. Of late, A lot of people think it’s me being stuck up, but honestly, it’s a real struggle… I hope someday things can be better.
PS: If you’re reading this and have experienced something similar, my prayers are with you :)
Wow. The stories really have deep roots. While, true that my father was also an asshole to my mum, he never once directly, physically or verbally abused me but that didn’t make me oblivious to the fact that he was an ass. I grew up and kicked him out of our lives and mum remarried happily to another man and he has been a wonderful father. So…my fear should not even exist…
But it does. While I am close to my brother and step father and few guy friends, I HATE it when they touch me. I know that they are being friendly and without any motives (specially because they are so brutally honest with me), I cant help but stay a foot away from them. I explicitly told them…not to touch me…ever. Maybe a pat on the head or shoulder but never a hug…
I detest when men touch me.
Hi my name is summer I’m 16 I actually spent the first 13 years of my life watching my mom get abused by her (now) ex husband as well as receiving some emotional and verbal abuse from living in the house with him, when I wasn’t dealing with him I was hearing my biological father tell me how much of a disappoint I am and my aunt’s husband had a bad habit of touching on us girls. Now every time I’m around a man I get really anxious and I don’t like being alone with them, but I dont think people understand that I’m really scared of being hurt or worse by one and that they think I’m being rude, my own mother going as far as punishing me for not wanting to have her boyfriend at our house and refusing to sleep or bath when he visits. Does anyone’s else have this problem? or maybe has any advice for how I could deal with it? If so I would love to hear because I honestly need the help.
As a girl who was sexually assaulted earlier this year I have a huge fear of men of all ages, I often run away when left alone with one and stutter. It’s horrible I feel like I’m trapped in my own world completely isolated.
I do and feel the same… It’s so difficult to me to see women happily hanging out of married with guys… How do you deal with that?
susan amanda earnshaw says
C’mon.The fear of men is quite reasonable. Have a look at the statistics, men are violent, controlling slave mongers. I wish they werent in this world theyre disgusting . Dont ever stop fearing them. Women should stay far away from them. That would just be sensible, not phobic.
No, that would be insane, and deeply sexist.
Don’t be sexist. Fear because of a previous experience is understood. But pure stereotyping just because you want to? Nope not okay. My best friend who is the most amazing person and my shoulder to cry on, GUESS WHAT? It’s A BOY! Don’t just say all men are that way. Because they aren’t.
That doesn’t sound like fear that sounds like hate you do know that women are just as abusive as men say a man is raised to never hit or talk back to a women and say the women sees this as a weakness she will abuse him
Agree, like most of the comments here are about being raped by men, all the women that i know have been abused or molested by men, and it’s true not all of them are bad people but most of them are, based on our experiences.
Le Prius says
The men commenting here and complaining need to stop.
All you are doing is justifying our paranoia- our belief that men are horrible.
I have mild androphobia. I am aware of it, and am actively trying to battle it.
I’m pretty sure I know what caused it…
My parents had an arranged marriage, and my father is very controlling and emotionally abusive. My mom told me this was the norm, that every man is like this. My dad also treated us, the kids, well, so it took me a very, very long time to realize he wasn’t a great person.
I was raised to believe that a woman was expected to just give up control and allow a man to rule over her. The Church also reinforced this.
I believed this for quite some time. I actively avoided males. I had no desire of being imprisoned, controlled, or mistreated. I was horribly cruel and mean to any guy who tried to talk to me in any way.
I was forced to go to a military school when I was in high school. There was a 6:1 guy to girl ratio and for the first time in my life, I could not avoid or ignore the boys I met. While some of them were absolute assholes, other were amazing people. I was astonished, and realized that my mom was wrong, and that my dad was actually just a horrible husband.
Unfortunately, years of suspicion and mistrust is not easy to just magically get rid of overnight. It’s been a slow process. I have long ago stopped being cruel and vicious to males. I am finally open to the idea of dating, though I do not think that I’m quite emotionally mature enough to handle it.
I have learned to be patient with myself.
My androphobia has gotten better, and one day, I will completely kill it.
I’m 18 and believe I have this phobia. When I was in primary school most of my friendships with girls and all friendships with boys petered out by the time I was 7 years old. From then on I was teased and bullied by boys, I was also teased and bullied by girls but I also had positive friendships with them. All my knowledge of boys not related to me was that they disliked me. From time to time my brother’s friend will tell my brother how annoying I sound when I go to talk to him about something.
This continued into intermediate school and during that time I was assaulted a few times by a boy older than me. Later on I joined a sports team that he was on, but he quit and he was the only boy.
I had crushes on boys but if they were found out, or if someone thought I had a crush on them it was met with an negative reaction. I had friends who had older brothers that were nice to me but to me mentally, it didn’t count because it was like relative.
I went to an all girls high school, and my friends started partying when we were around 16 years old. My friends didn’t invite me to any parties or introduce me to anyone. In my second to last year of high school I fell into a depression and cut my friends off after internalising/misinterpreting a mentality of cutting out negative people (which they were). I eventually realised everyone was just as negative and that my behaviour was harmful but the damage was done. They let me back into the group but the dynamic had changed and they only talked about certain topics which made it hard to bond. The only time they invited me drinking was to an event they had organised with not many people, so I didn’t meet anyone new.
I have a (previously mentioned) younger brother and one older male cousin. I don’t see my male cousin much and all of my other cousins are girls (clearly). He’s nice to me but despite him being my cousin it feels difficult for me to talk with him which I feel upset by because he’s probably the nicest man I know. I my brother was raised by my mum and we have no dad (no trauma involved, he’s a sperm donor) and I have an older sister influence.
I’ll use and analogy to explain: I walk into my lecture theatre with all seat are full except two, one next to a girl, one next to a boy. I will probably sit down next to the girl. This might change with their weight, appearance and facial expression as I expect a more attractive, thinner person to be displeased by me sitting next to them (an average looking, plus sized woman).
So my usual experience interacting with people would differ if I interpret them as a girl or a boy
Interaction with a girl I haven’t met before: I’m usually shy but we might find something to bond over and we would have a discussion about it. The conversation might evolve and develop and result in other conversations with different people.
Interaction with a boy I haven’t met before: I’m shy, we attempt small talk, nothing goes from there.
I have tried tinder, but it is clear that most of the people on there are looking for one thing which I can’t provide with this kind of fear. Also the example above about the lecture theatre applies here, involving them and the kind of friends they have in their pictures.
When I met with a therapist about having social anxiety and depression I didn’t realise at the time I might be affected by this fear, so I didn’t mention it and my mum has a tendency to dismiss things she hasn’t heard of.
I’m nervous because I need to get a job soon to pay for university, and save for leaving home. And what do I do when I get flatmates? What do I do when interacting with my managers, bosses, and customers?
I have anxiety/fear over all sorts of things: public speaking (in front of any gender), going to the cash register, meeting new people(especially men), etc.
My fear of men does not necessarily mean I fear they will physically abuse me or even mentally…I’m scared I will sound stupid, because whenever I’m near a man I get nervous and can’t seem to concentrate and thus make little conversation. All of this is so hard to put into words–but I have faith that others feel similarly and can understand.
I’m currently 19 years old and this fear has plagued me as far as I can remember. I’m desperate for change, because living with this fear–especially when I’m attracted to men and someday want a life with one–is unbearable.
This fear has led me to go to an all-girls university, which I hate. I don’t have the ‘college experience’ there, I call it a grandmas school. Although i want the true college experience:life-long friends, parties, clubs, etc. I know I would feel out of place, hence the reason i chose the grandma school.
I’m studying abroad next semester and I am terrified. It is not an all-girls school. The men will be attractive and the accents adorable. This excites me, but mostly makes me manifest instances in which I know I will be embarrassed…so more dread than excitement.
Also, this semester is my first semester in a sorority. I do not fit in. As I’m very shy in front of girls too–I can’t seem to be myself– but I care less if I do or say something stupid in front of them, than boys. However, we are very very involved with fraternities…and I’m shaking and sweating as I type just thinking about socializing with them.
I’m willing to get help for these anxieties. I just have no idea where to start and I don’t exactly want to pay for counseling, but I fear it won’t get better if I don’t. Any suggestions?
I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way, but I can’t help but feel pity for you all, since I know exactly how you feel.
Hi! What I feel is change your way of looking at the situations. Don’t judge people very quickly. There are many gentleman in our society. Eg: you can know about The Great Padmavati. She was the wife of king of Mewar. Whole Mewar fought to their last breath to protect their queen from ruler of Delhi who wanted to conquer her. There are people who respect women so much that they can even die to protect them. Women are brave too. Don’t let your fear of the past overpower you. A bright future is waiting ahead. Protect its dreams. You can do it. Girls are made to conquer the world with their skill, talent. You can outshine the rest. NOTE: Live in the present and enjoy the trip called “LIFE”.
It’s a very painful thing to talk about. My whoole life has been a mess, an ED since 5, selfharm since 5 years old, and apparently androphobia. Most of my childhood is just a blur, I swear I remember only the super important ocations. I’ve alwaays suffered of nightmares, where I wake up sweaty and yelling so lound the whole house awakes. I know I was raped, many times, when I was 5 to around 7. But the thing is that I don’t remember this all that much. I only know it because my stepmother #3 took me to a gynecologist because I had been so sore from there and I even feared my own father, and I wasn’t a vigin anymore, she said my genitals were sore as if I had rough sexual intercourse at least 5 times that month. I can’t remember, I try and try, but I just can’t, god. It’s so painful to not even be able to remember who, or exactly when, or how. My whole life has been crying and hiding from men, dreading school, social events, anything because I didn’t even know what was going on with me. My self esteem has always been so shitty, probably for the same issue. I’d appear with so many bruises and cuts all over my body I had no idea when, and nobody noticed, but my stepmother #3. Now I just turned 15 years, and have been having these weird need in my core, it has been there for a long time now, and I only feel attracted to older men (at least 15 years my senior). Never dated a boy my age, though boys have always showed a lot of interest in me. There have been teachers, who flirt with me, and try more than that, but I always move around and nothing can happen. This time, I’ll stay where I live until I go to college in 4 years. I’m afraid I’m becoming a slut, I can only think of men, men men. People even say my personality is innocent, bubbly and flirtateous without even trying (what does that even mean?) I don’t flirt with men, apparently they just like the innocent in me (which I fake). But at this new school…. I’m older, attractive, and I don’t know if I can keep away from men, I feel I’m turning flirtateous around older men, and they flirt back every time. What if I do become a slut? the slut everybody thinks I am?
Please, I beg you, help me. I don’t know how long I can hold this back.
First off having a lot of sex isn’t necessarily a bad thing and slut is a nasty term to shame women. But it seems like that you are fearful of your own actions regarding sex and in that case, have you ever heard of hypersexuality? I can’t diagnose you so research to see if that sounds like you and talk to your doctor/a therapist about your symptoms.
Nicole M Baillargeon says
I don’t know about me but I’d say since I’m in middle School that since men are so they act tough and I feel like if I say something to piss them off they’ll hit me or yell at me and I don’t know I just try to avoid men at all costs on streets and while I’m walking to places I take precautions because of men I can’t let me guard down EVER!!! Not on the streets in school I wouldn’t think this world was bad if it didn’t have men in it they just scare me phsically and verbally they’re to scary like for example in the walking dead this guy yelled at the girl later on saying sorry and asking her if she thought he was gonna hurt her I would say yes I would think so I just wish we could could demolish men for ever they scare me a lot!!!!!
It sounds like you are going through an internal Hell.
Most of your anguish seems to exist in the mind, and I would like to suggest in the kindest possible way that you set yourself on a journey of self help.
I suggest that you start looking for female counselors and therapists. CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is known to be very effective.
Don’t live with this and try to cope with it on your own anymore, seek help.
And start to challenge your own thoughts, as it is only what you think that’s causing you so much grief.
An example of cognitive therapy might look like this:
Let’s examine your worrying thought: “What if I do become a slut? the slut everybody thinks I am?”
So what if you did become a “slut”?
How does one become a “slut”?
Is a “slut” simply a female who enjoys sex?
Why shouldn’t women enjoy sex?
Who gets to decide whether or not you’re a “slut” anyway?
So, again what if you do become a “slut”?
Would that mean that you become a woman who enjoys sex? Shock, horror!
And beyond that?
Would the sky fall?
Would a tattoo magically appear on your arm emblazoned with the word “slut” for all to see?
Would people start pointing at you wherever you went?
Or, would it be more likely that you’d be calling yourself “a slut” in your own mind?
You don’t have to do this to yourself! Seek therapy. It is the sanest thing you could do.
“…the slut everybody thinks I am?”
What evidence do you have that everybody thinks you’re a “slut”?
People say your personality is innocent, bubbly and flirtatious. That’s not consistent with people thinking you’re a “slut”, it’s consistent with people thinking you’re innocent. Quite the opposite of being a “slut”.
If you’re wondering why I am quote-marking the word “slut”; it’s because it’s a word I don’t subscribe to.
It’s a harsh and judgmental word that only serves to shame women into not wanting or enjoying sex.
“People even say my personality is innocent, bubbly and flirtateous without even trying (what does that even mean?)”
It means that people think that you’re innocent and bubbly. It also means that your friendly vibe comes across as a bit flirtatious without you even trying to be flirtatious.
It’s a compliment, accept it for what it is! Unless you want to become a nun, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of flirting. It’s natural and fun!
Almost all of your problems stem from the harsh and unrealistic things you tell yourself. CBT can really help with that. Take a step towards reducing your suffering and seek out counselors and get yourself on the path to emotional wellness.
Good luck on your journey.
Rick Jackson says
Hmm… Would you say this applied for men at all?
Emily Ross says
I don’t know about me but I have never been sexually abused or abused by my parents. But ever since in 4th grade I started having panic attacks and sweaty palms. Whenever a boy talked to me I ignored them but my face rushed with red and my palms were sweaty. I did have a nightmare I still remember it involved a boy that was in my class in my dream he was evil I can’t really explain but I knew it was a nightmare. Ever since I can’t talk to guys unless he starts first but still I get panic attacks. I knew this boy in 10th grade and liked me but he would sexually try to touch me but I knew he was a playboy but I made him respect me over the years and I said were okay not good friends tho. I have had a crush on this boy name Jason I would try to get to see him in the hallways or lunch. One time I was walking and I turned around and saw him right behind me I literally started speed walking and my heart was pounding fast and my palms were sweaty. I seriously don’t know how to deal with it . Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually a lesbian but then I know that’s not true because I never had feelings for women or anything. But when I thought of this thought I got anxiety with my freinds. Sometimes I can’t even look into my best friend’s eyes ! I get sweaty palms and I start shivering. On bad days I ignored everyone even my one guy friend and all of my friends. This even happen with my family members I would just stay in my room and not leave. It’s hard because I love to talk to people and meet new people when I’m not in an anxiety mode. I think I just over think how people see me. I want to say the perfect thing to everyone and never say the wrong because I feel they will dislike me or judge me. So that’s my story and I still struggle with it .
Seek out a female counselor. Cognitive Behavior Therapy would help you too.
I wonder if there are any women like me because I:
was never sexually assaulted by men
However, I have a weird case of being repulsed and fearful of men that I cant identify. I only have one guy friend and he has never hurt me, and yet I still flinch when he offers me a high five or a hug. I found out that it was because I was afraid of Physical touch by men. NOT MEN ITSELF.
when I was 3 my parents went through a divorce. My father was a VERY verbal man and he was also very emotionally sensitive which made it very easy for him to be provoked and cause him to argue and challenge people. He and my mom got into very bad arguments that would have my dad blue in the face and throat soar from yelling. When ever I was in trouble my dad would do the same with me : Yell at me till his face was blue, and if I talked back to him he would grab my face and clench his teeth and scream in my face. It got to the point were I am now afraid when he simply calls my name from across the house.
He was also a man who was physical: he played rough with me and my cousins: playfully shoving me, tickling me, and wrestling with me. But the part that scared me the most when I was young was when he would “playfully”
grab my face and shake it ( he did this to my dogs to and they loved it) I would get flashes of him yelling and screaming, so naturally I associated it with him being MAD at me that I did something WRONG.
HE is the reason why I have this phobia. And now I go through those flashes when ever a guy waves his hand at my direction or calls my name. MY dad is the reason why I didn’t trust boys my age. To be honest I don’t trust men at all, But that does NOT mean that it is their fault that im afraid of men, the man who caused this is not some stranger walking his dog! its my DAD.
I can completely understand that. This is my third comment in a row to someone to say seek counselling and therapy. I’d advise a female therapist for obvious reasons. You’re better off trying to get it treated than to just try to deal with it on your own.
Meaning your dad in the end is a subhuman parent overall, yes?
I am thinking i might have this phobia? It’s mostly with boys my age (im 16) who i have started to like and then found out they do bad stuff like steal or drink or smoke and then i get this awful pit of uneasiness in my stomach and regret ever showing them that i had any interest at all in them for fear of them trying to stalk me or force me to go out with them, the fear of an eventuality of being raped or murdered i have to make a point to then tell the boy that im a lesbian or something to let them know im not interested (this has happened twice now) and it takes me a few weeks to get over it and pray that the boy will get over it too and move on with my life. This doesn’t happen with boys i know who are generally good moral people only boys who have done bad things and i can’t help it and i know they probably wouldn’t ever do those things? But it’s completely subconscious instinctual panic and anxiety when I let it sink in that this person is a “bad” person and I have to try in all ways and forms to thoroughly make sure they will not be interested in me and idk ? What to do?
As a man who has nothing but the utmost respect for and has never harmed women, this frustrates me no end, too. I was fired from my first job fresh out of graduate school over this very thing, plus there was also a big power struggle going on at that college that had been going on for several years before I got hired there, plus this was in a small town in Arkansas that’s noted by those in nearby parts of Arkansas and neighboring southern Missouri for their hatred of anyone who’s not originally from there.
Also, at a church we were part of a few years ago, a few of the youth blocked me on Facebook (I finally had enough and deleted my Facebook account this past summer), and I couldn’t figure out why — and the mother of one of those who blocked me (another one unfriended me), who I went to college with, was even the one who invited us to that church after the church we went to before that went through a nasty split, with us being among those who left. Honestly, I feel that quite a few people from that church judged me, although there are also several other people there whom I will consider as friends for life.
And, a little over a year ago, in a big band ensemble I play in, we had a gig about 2 hours away. I had finished setting up, while several other people had gone to supper about 10-15 minutes before. A young 19-year-old lady who is one of our subs in the sax section (I play trombone) asked where everyone else was, and I told her I didn’t know. I offered to take her to the restaurant where everyone else was, and she refused, saying she was uncomfortable with being alone with me, which I respect and thus, didn’t force her to, even though it grieves me no end that so few men in this world give the rest of us a bad name.
But even so, this distrust of me all because I happen to be of a certain gender, never mind that I have NEVER sexually assaulted a woman in my entire life, is frustrating. Personally, I can’t wait until Jesus comes back so that all this unjustified distrust comes to an end.
I’m sorry. I am someone who has been raped nearly my entire childhood (and sold as a child sex slave) and has this phobia. It isn’t just “not liking your gender” or anything like with extremists. We are actually VERY terrified. We can’t help it and it’s not our fault that we have this fear. That’s why we’re even on this site reading about it.
OMG, what happened to you is beyond terrible. I understand why you’d feel as you do. Have you sought therapy over this? I hope that you managed to escape from being a sex slave, and I hope you manage to bring the criminals who did that to you to justice.
Above all, I hope you go on to have a happy life.
If you are on this site reading about it, it means you want to do something to help yourself. I believe that talking to a good female therapist would help you cope with the aftermath.
Perhaps you could devote yourself to bringing the perpetrators to justice, and using your knowledge of what happened to you to help save other victims of this evil.
Best of luck to you.
For all the women/girls who fear men, keep in mind that there are men also who have been abused by women/other men, as young boys. So, please try using some of these techniques and opening up slowly to a trustworthy good character guy….Just like you will to a girl. Recently, I discovered how caring one guy is and never actually knew there was a term for this fear as a woman, myself but I always had this fear and to the point that committing to someone is actually emotionally exhausting. Imagine my surprise to discover how caring a male can be, having met one who broke through my barriers. Well, I don’t totally trust him yet but believe me there are good men and women. Simultaneously, everyone is weak and can fall into temptation. I sincerely, hope every girl experiencing a past of pain and torture at the hands of a man, meet at least one good guy who can help you have faith again. Just remind yourself, not all are the same.😘
Thank you for this. If a man should find himself in this position, may he help himself, then find a woman who can restore his faith in loyalty and trust . Neither of the sexes should suffer, should they?
Women and girls have NEVER been abused by OTHER women and girls.
Men are the REAL bad ones and women are the REAL good ones.
Men ARE bad and women ARE good overall.
All men are BAD and all women are GOOD.
There is truly NOTHING good about men and there is truly EVERYTHING good about women.
There is everything bad AND wrong with men while there is everything good AND right with women.
So you’re criticizing as well as bashing women because?
Can anybody share their stories with me or give any stats of androphobic cases and in which parts of the world and india it is? I am doing a project on this.. any help? Pls mail me : bloom.jeni @ gmail.com
North India is the most unsafe place for girls being Indian you should know where the majority of Indian men are.
Thank you all for this information; it is very helpful. As a man I always wondered why so many women seem so paranoid in my presence. I hate paranoid women more than you can imagine. It’s like you can’t treat them like regular human beings, you have to treat them like mentally challenged children.
Joe: I agree with all that you said and I would add that it makes life rather difficult to be around these women. They will “run to personnel and accuse you of trying to attack them if you only try to be friendly”. Personnel will almost always take their side and you may lose your job. This happened to me in a major corporation. I have never attacked a woman and would defend a woman being attacked.
I hate this too. It makes it hard to live in a world where there are men and women. They assume that you are some killer and rapist without any information.
Please note that women who are distrustful of men, do not blame a stranger for something that happened to them when the women was in a relationship with someone who was not so nice.
this phobia exists because of the paranoia and anxiety, THINKING about a “worst case scenario ” that could happen. But remember DONT FEEL LIKE IT IS THE MANS FAULT. Because it is NOT their fault.
I am a women and I have this phobia, however I can sit down comfortably with any of my guy friends without getting anxiety attacks. Although sometimes when I go out in daylight hours to the store I do think about “worst case scenario” but I remind myself that I wont and CANT jump to any conclusions.
Some women need to be reminded about that just because this phobia is DEVELOPED by a past distrust to someone who happened to be a man. DOES NOT mean that all men should be feared and called a rapist or killer.
But I hope you remind women that you yourself are an approachable person and that it was never intended for women to be afraid of you.
You can look at these tips if you want
1 if you end up in a situation where the women is beginning to become agitated or anxious about you just BEING there, don’t step closer, they think your invading their safe “bubble” Instead be sure to keep eye contact with her and keep your body language loss. If you get tense too then so will she.
2 if a women is in distress by something please ASK first and if she says no but you still want to help her keep a almost cheerful tone and calmly insist that you wish to help. a friendly smile and clear voice is better for her to be calm.
3 if you know anyone that has this phobia you will probably have more patients for them, but that is the best thing for you to do when they are beginning to reach the edge of their paranoia. just remember tips 1 and 2 and you should be fine.
I know its difficult not just for the women but it is also difficult for men as well to even be in a room with a women and she will suddenly tense up or even give you a aggressively hard stare . And im sorry that it happens to you guys.
But please continue to:
That’s not fair. A lot of us didn’t choose to be abused and/or end up this way. And a lot of us don’t get that superior treatment you’re talking about. I was outcasted by my entire family just because a family member raped and sold me. That’s not everything and I was just a child when this happened. We don’t always get good treatment. I’m sorry if you were unfortunately blamed for something. This is a PHOBIA page, talking about actual science and we’re getting slammed after some of us have gone through God knows what. This world is hard for us to exist in too. This is hard to type so I’ll stop, sorry.
Eva Hatzi-Blaak says
When I was 9 I went to a store with my mom and got lost. A man gestured for me to come to him. I ran back to my mom like nothing happened and she was like, here eat this donut. But I was crying and begging her to take me home and I was so scared. This is not as traumatizing as the other stories but as I was growing up I was always a very scared and sensitive kid so this scared me for life and now I have androphobia and I just found out now. My parents don’t believe me though. This means anyone can get androphobia from any trauma.
When I was a little kid, I was put into a foster home and eventually adopted. My foster parents were a part of a cult-like religion, so I was very sheltered from the outside world. When I was around the age of five, my foster dad decided to rape me one night, and having never been taught about right and wrong sexual things, even later in life, I had no idea it was wrong. He-who-shall-not-be-named continued to rape/molest my sister and I for five years, and despite over two years of therapy, I can’t get over it. I can be around males, but I can’t touch them or anything physical like that without having a mental freak out. I’ve tried explaining my problems to anyone I fully trust, including my counselor, but they just don’t understand. I can’t live like this anymore, and I don’t know what to do. I NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS. I don’t think people realize just how much my mind controls me, so when I freak out in my head, my body is taken over, and the weirdest thing is that I don’t remember it after it happens.
Miss piggy says
Anyone who had been through the experience you explained would behave as you do, period. It’s a normal response to such an unhealthy and tough past situation.
The therapy ought to be a specialist in the appropriate area, I mean specialist in the issues you faced. Don’t know which country you’re from but if it’s the UK you could look into rasasc. If there’s one thing a fellow survivor wish for you to take away from this comment I write it’s that your reaction is normal. I know xxx.
Do what I did, learn martial arts and study as much of Dr.Ted Gambordella’s books as you possibly can.
Please understand that not all men are sex predators, I got over it after becoming strong with the goal to save others. To me, and I kid you not, stalkers are a punch bag, I’ve beat up two last winter alone.
That’s fascinating Sarah. were you abused prior to learning martial arts? Could you tell the story of the stalkers you beat up last winter? Have there been others?
I had the same experience but the story is different and if you would like to talk. Just email me!
uoyetahi2000 @ gmail.com
Hello. I’ve been scared of men my whole life, but it never got into my life and I never felt it was a problem.
Sadly, it has gotten a lot worse and I have to share room with men where I live and now I can’t sleep unless I know there’s not a man around and that no man will be around me while I sleep. The thing is that I discovered that my brothers touches himself at night and we kinda share bed and now it’s impossible for me to share room with a guy. I’ve locked myself in the bathroom to spend the night if I have no place to go or even sleep on the floor somewhere. And it’s getting worse and worse and even though I hate men, I need to work on this because I can’t move out and I can’t sleep either.
Hi, I suddenly came to search about this because I’m having a similar issue here. Fearing men, no matter who they are, even my father, brothers, classmates and everybody. I prefer not to talk to men unless it is important for me.
Now, I am furthering to a higher level education. Thus, it has really affected me. I will take 1, 2, 3 or even more if I need to meet professors and Drs. I have no idea how to counter this thing anymore.
This feeling of fear happened when I was a kid. Yes, I remember something, and that thing was when I was 7 y/o. Now, I am already 26. I used to watch a drama based on a true story. At one time, during an age around 13-17, I used to write everywhere how I hated men.
How do I change this? I don’t want to feel fear. I want develop my career. If this keeps happening, what about my study? As I am doing research, dealing with the other sex is like so important in order to get knowledge.
I have a similar kind of problem but I am overcoming it by my own.
You have to decide what you want, I started doing yoga dance classes and I chose a salsa class. I’m just overcoming it like that.
Do the dance classes help with confidence and/or exposure (male dancing partners)?
I’ve been thinking of doing something similar, but the thought of co-ed special interest classes scare me. Just trying to eat in front of a man… let alone the vulnerability of learning something new. You are braver than I.