Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl. I’ve always been socially awkward with everyone. But mostly with men. Especially older men. Like if I’m walking down the street and I see a man in his 30s or older. I will for sure think about what they probably think of me, “he probably wants me” and I get super scared to only think about it. And I know that it’s probably in my head. But I do it anyway. And like if my parents have friends (older men) I will for sure think in my head “he probably is thinking about things he isn’t supposed to”. So it happens with pretty much every older man. I feel super awkward. And like suspicious and I think they just want one thing. And sometimes it happens with guys my age. Sometimes I think “this guy flirting probably wants one thing” and then I think “too bad I can’t give it to him” or ” he probably would be disappointed” because I’m a virgin (you probably figured that out by seeing how screwed up I am in my head). It’s awful I don’t like being like this. And I hate myself for it. I’ve never had a boyfriend. And I don’t feel like I am normal at all. What does this mean? Does it mean I’ve experienced a traumatic experience in my early childhood? Cause if I did I don’t remember any of it. Does this turn me into a lesbian? Considering that I feel more comfortable around women. What is wrong with me? I need an answer! Oh and my posture is really really bad. Like I can’t even walk straight and I’m always scared in general of people staring at me especially men of course. But I’m afraid of people looking at me in general. Help.
Fear of older men
What Now?
Read comments from others who are dealing with this phobia or share your own experiences below. Remember, you're not alone!
Nadja says
You are not actually afraid of all older men. You can’t possibly be because you don’t actually know them. You are afraid of what you have been taught about them. Under it all is a fear of your own sexuality and a lack of understanding about the power it gives you. You are taught to fear men, fear sex, fear being desirable, feel gross, and feel horrible at the very thought of any man seeing you as sexually attractive.
Anonymoose says
I realize I’m a bit older than most (or probably even all) people commenting here about their experiences (I’m 23), but I feel like sharing mine. I’m a trans guy, but I’ve lived as a girl for most of my life, and I still definitely look like a girl. I’ve never been abused, but I’ve developed fears of certain older men since I was little. I remember the first instance was when I developed a fear of my grandfather. I have a memory of sobbing after being dropped off at my grandparents’ house to be babysat. Even to this day, I’m uncomfortable around him, and it’s not even his fault; he’s a very sweet man. Another instance was when I became afraid of my karate instructor. I kept feeling like he was looking at me (though he did have a wall eye, so maybe it was just that), and I would sometimes imagine the horrible things that he could possibly do to me. I don’t take karate lessons anymore – I haven’t for years. Not because I’m afraid but just because I don’t really want to anymore. The final instance I want to talk about is about a high school teacher I had. At some point, I became friendly with him, and eventually, I convinced myself I had a crush on him (though I probably kind of did, to be honest). After some time, I suddenly became disgusted by my feelings and terrified of my teacher. Even today, I still sometimes have my thoughts plagued by him and sometimes even have dreams that have him in them (dreams that make me very uncomfortable). I’ve even had homicidal ideations about this teacher before – something I’m not proud of and something I would never, ever do in real life. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ever did something like that. But anyway, just know that you aren’t alone in this fear. It would be a good choice to go to a therapist about these fears and work them out with someone who will listen. I wish you the best.
OJ says
I somewhat relate to you. I’ve had a fear of men (especially older men) for as long as I can remember. Although, there are a few exceptions (e.g. my brother, uncle, boys my age, etc.) I think the main cause is that I never grew up with a father, so I wasn’t familiar with or comfortable being around men. My parents divorced before I was born, so I never got the chance to meet my father. Whenever I have a male teacher, I try to avoid them like the plague. I’m unsure if I have this fear for rational reasons or if I can’t tell what I should fear because I’m only 12.
Nevaeh Davis says
Same, I relate. I’m also 12.
Nattille says
I am 13. I’ve NEVER been abused in any way. I’m at my grandmother’s house right now, and she recently started dating, which I thought was really weird (she’s like 51). I didn’t mind it at first because I didn’t want to judge her or anything. I met this guy that she was dating. I HATE people who just judge someone off of their looks. I guess you could call me a hypocrite now. His name is Dwayne, and my grandmother has been friends with him for like 20+ years. My grandfather passed away before I was even born, and my dad left when I was born. My family is ALL girls, not one boy. Well, that’s how it is now. At least there was this guy we called Eddie. He is about 60 years old now. He and my grandmother were roommates for 16-18 years until my grandmother started to date Dwayne. I was never creeped out by Eddie. I loved him. I even accepted him as my grandfather, so I hated her guts for a while when my grandmother just threw him out. I hate Dwayne. Recently, my family went out to go to the store, and I didn’t want to go, so I stayed home. I got a text from my sister saying, “hey, Dwayne is coming, don’t be alarmed” And I swear to god I ran to the kitchen faster than the speed of light to grab the sharpest knife in the house. I would go so far as to even kill him. I wasn’t thinking about that now. I ran up to my room to hide it under my pillow just in case he would try something. I heard him come in, and he greeted me. I was shaking from fear. His smile was so creepy that I shivered. He tried to make small talk with me, but I tried to act as dry as possible so he’d leave. Eventually, after like 5 minutes, he left. I was really going to stab him. I felt so ashamed after that. He is here right now as I’m typing this, but I’m in my room. He’s spending the night. I feel horrible about judging him, but I really don’t trust him. My gut tells me to stay away from him.
Makayla says
This is the same with me. I’ve always been scared of older men, and I think it was because of my childhood, but I don’t know. I’ve tried finding an answer to this, but I couldn’t, and I thought I was the only person that experienced this.
reader says
Unfortunately I think you’re right. Most men only seem to want one thing, especially from younger females. Your instincts are most probably right. Trust them – they’ll keep you safe. Take care.
lenzen22 says
That is a hell of a generalization. How do you know what is going on in the heads of “most men”? Are you clairvoyant? Better stay away from the TV and Internet pictures, sweetheart. Everyone is wrapped up in visual images, and their thinking is becoming very childlike. Try reading some books, which will exercise your mind and help you to think more logically.
lenzen22 says
And by the way, age differences in relationships are not very important. Regardless of how many people tell you they are. Follow your heart, and search for a true companion. Try not to let his age influence your judgment.
anon says
How can you say this when many women didn’t follow their instinct and DID end up getting sexually abused? I felt like I was obligated to trust my brother when I was 7 because “he was family,” and I ended up being sexually abused until I was 10. YOU are the type of person we are worried about. Do you think the narrative of creepy older men being the predators is out there for no reason? It’s because it’s TRUE. I hope you can have a daughter and tell that to her face when she tells you she’s uncomfortable around a man twice her age.
mannehayter27 says
You sound like one of the men she’d be scared of. Try not gaslighting and patronizing women for their fears when you understand nothing about their reasons or the context. And how convenient that it’s only older men who say “age doesn’t matter.” You forget that it does matter – to you. A girl being half your age would be a huge plus for you. Try to think a little bit logically next time.
Makayla says
Dude, how are we so alike? I’ve always been afraid of older men, and I literally have to carry around a mini bat with me. I get so uncomfortable. PLUS, my name is also Makayla. Spelled the same and all, haha. But yes, I don’t think it was from my childhood. And the weirdest part is, I was touched inappropriately by a GIRL when I was 10, and yet I’m terrified of men. That doesn’t make any sense to me. I have struggled with thinking I’m gay, but I know deep down I’m not. It’s just the fact that’s what I knew, and I’ve never been touched by a man before, so since I was so young, I thought that it was ok, knowing now it wasn’t ok to be touched like that. Anyways it’s sad, but I feel relieved that I’m not the only one who has this fear.
Jourdan says
I actually appreciate your sincere reply. Thank you.
Lia says
As the others have said, I don’t know how long ago this was posted, but I thought I should still send a comment as well. I’m 15, and I kinda get how you feel. I don’t have a very close relationship with my dad (I used to but suddenly I stopped being close to him because he made me uncomfortable). He did nothing wrong, but just being with him was unsettling, like even him kissing my cheek like any normal father made me feel really uncomfortable. My parents were never married, my mom has moved on from him you see. It also makes me feel uncomfortable when he tries to push himself on my mom. Like flirting or whatever. I also feel this way about my uncle, but way worse. My thoughts are like “what if he rapes me?”, “Is he sexualizing me?”. Because of it, I unintentionally speak rude to him (I know he wouldn’t actually do that but I still feel that way, probably also cause I see him talking about butts or something with my brother). It’s not super bad that I feel like fainting though. I don’t really wanna run or something, but it makes me uncomfortable being with him in general. I feel this way mostly when the men are older, but in my case, it doesn’t apply to all men. Some of them just give off a certain vibe that makes me uncomfortable. I have not experienced any sexual abuse before, but I have been neglected so to speak by my dad, I barely see him. Maybe that’s why he feels like a stranger somehow? I was really confused if this was actually a problem or something? I suppose it’s normal to somewhat fear men because of all the rape stories, but it’s a little different, just like you said. I feel like my thoughts are really bad, and it caused some bad relationships. Not really sure what to do about it, but I’m a little glad to know I wasn’t the only one who felt like this.
Makayla says
I feel the same exact way. If you need another female to talk to, I’m here.
Tori says
I’m 17 now and I was sexually abused 1 time when I was little and I have this fear. I’m even afraid of my older male family. Only my brothers I trust. And I know that my dad and uncles would NEVER do that and they hate that it happened but I cant get it out of my head that it could happen again. I feel like I’m judging by looks sometimes because of it and I feel really bad right after. I had this fear when I was 10 after it happened.
EA says
Hello, so i just read this post and i just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am a 16 (in two months 17) year old female and i also can’t figure myself out. Nobody abused me in my early childhood (just some verbal bullying in 3-5 grade by men). I have a really bad relationship with my mother and take my dad as a friend.
I was never in a relationship, never even touched any male’s hand. I also don’t think about men as most female’s do in my age (I don’t say “he’s pretty” etc, i don’t even remember when i was attracted to anyone). The weird thing is that i feel really comfortable around my dad but about any other men (especially older than me) i feel anxious. I hate their comments about my hair and every time they speak to me i just feel like i need to run and get out of there.
Surprisingly enough when we were going through family therapy i was okay with the man there (but he was there with a woman and my parents were also there).
So the thing is i don’t know what’s “wrong” with me, at first i thought i was asexual or a-romantic but I don’t think that’s the case (but who knows right). I am attracted to men 100% (i watch anime and i fantasize about anime boys all the time).
So yea, just know that you are not alone. In my case is usually only when no one is around (for example when i was doing climbing and there were a mix of humans and everyone were focused on climbing i haven’t had any problems, but when i am at the shop and some man – older with alcohol usually – approaches me i feel like i am going to die and he will rape me). Hope this is helpful but dunno about it.
krista says
I’m 14 years old and I was abused when I was younger (it wasn’t sexual abuse), but my earliest memories are of my dad abusing me when I was 5. I think that might be the main reason why I’m like this but a few days ago my uncle was staying the night and I don’t like people staying in my house to begin with but he’s family, y’know? But I didn’t want to go to sleep and when I was just sitting on my bed, I started thinking about my dad, and thought what if he does the same thing to me, what if he’s thinking of doing something I don’t want to happen. After that I started hyperventilating and was crying. I also have a problem with male teachers or any male that I have to get close with for any reason but this fear gradually got worse as time went on.
Ugnė says
I am 13 and I experience everything that this girl did or does. Of course I don’t know how old this is but still I thought that it wasn’t normal or something. And I know that I wasn’t abused. So where did the fear come from? Sometimes I think maybe it came from all the stories of girls my age or even younger abused and raped by men. And I’m scared to say something to my parents because they would laugh it off.
Emma says
Like Paul said, I don’t know how old your post is, but I’d thought I’d reply. I just searched up on my phone ‘fear of older men’. I am a 14 year old girl (which I know is very young) but the thing is I understand. If anyone reads this and thinks she’s too young to understand, well I’m really not. I have had this ever since I was little maybe 4. Really young isn’t it, but at a young age like this I couldn’t understand why I was like this. I gave up so many after school activities like gymnastics, swimming etc because there was a man teaching. Now I’m more aware, I get the feeling you’re having with even my family or the year above. With my family like my grandad uncle and even dad I want my younger brother to be there at least, and it doesn’t help that just me and my dad are going on holiday next year. If you’re wondering if I got abused well I didn’t, but I believe it was due to me watching adult programs at a young age, you know the crime ones that deal with rape and abuse or even a tv show intended for 15+ because of the sexual hints. In any case it proves that we should stick to the age ratings because I’m now really messed up in the head. I hope anyone, at least one person, can find this and not feel alone like how I found this.
Unknown says
I don’t know how old this is but I just want to say (if you see this) I get you. I’m 13 and scared of older men. I also dropped out of a swim group because the teacher was male and I’m scared of my own dad. If you see this, just know you’re not alone.
Paul C Draper says
No idea how old this post is. I was searching for whether or not a fear of older men was common among young women. I just turned 60 and fear that I have caused three young women over the past 5 years to be afraid of me. Two were waitresses, and the third and most recent is a librarian.
As I look at your post, I first thought likely you were abused as a child. I wouldn’t be concerned about the idea of you being lesbian unless there are other much clearer signs. I am quite comfortable around most women, and there are some who suggest that could be an indication of being gay. No worries there. I am curious as to whether or not to ever say anything complimentary or even kind. Should we continue to survive, but not participate in normal social relations? In psychology class ages ago, a professor said that the average 18 yr. old male thinks about sex once every 10 seconds or something like that. Perhaps I am undersexed, but that is absolutely ridiculous. Not only would they never graduate, but they would be unable to breathe after about 45 minutes. Life is about far more than this. And normal human beings think of many other things. Life is too short to go around every day worrying about such things. Believe me, I know. Now, how many strange emails will I receive because I posted.