Fearing Love

I’m 16 and it has accrued to me several times in my life that i might be afraid of love. I’m scared i’m gonna love someone and that they’re never gonna love me back. I’ve only ever been in two serious relationships. One was with this guy. But me and him were never really in an actual relationship. I was with him and i did love him. But i wasn’t really with him. We were together for eight months before i ever let him kiss me. The first time he tried to i had a panic attack and pushed him away. We had been together a year and 8 months when i had sex with him. I remember him always seeing other people and getting jealous of my guy friend’s. But i stayed with him because i thought that was all i was worth. The first time i had sex with him i got pregnant. And we never spoke again. I had a miscarriage on April 19th 2016. I woke up at two fourteen am. My legs where drenched. I thought it was just sweat. I didn’t realize it was blood until i rolled over onto my side. I felt an awful pain. And i crawled out of my bed into the bathroom. I saw dark blood on my hands. I laid in the cold bathroom floor crying and screaming. I wiped my tears and pulled myself up off the ground and then cleaned myself up. I went back to the bed and cleaned it up then put a pad on. And laid back down and cried myself back to sleep. I didn’t go to school that day. Instead i packed my stuff up and moved in with my aunt. She made me go to school the next day. And i told the baby’s fathers sister that it was gone. And she told me that it was all a lie and that i ruined her brothers life. She said that it was just my period and that she was gonna kick my ass. That day on the bus she tried to fight me but her and the baby’s fathers cousin held her back and told her to stop. He saw it in my eyes. He knew that look. He knew that it wasn’t a lie. And he knew that of she had attacked me that day that i would have bashed her head through the window and possibly killed her. And i’m glad he held her back because i would have gone to jail. The second serious relationship i was in I was with him from May to July. Not that long i know but i had feelings for him while i was still with my baby’s father. The second guy i was with i had fallen in love with. I just loved my baby’s dad. I wasn’t ever in love with him. The second guy just stopped talking to me one day after he was diagnosed with bone cancer. I’m not gonna go into details about that because it kills me to talk about it. But now i’m seeing this girl. But i have feelings for a friend of mine. And i’m not even sure if i really even like this girl. And before i started dating her i slept with my friends ex. I know it was stupid and i regret it. But thats something i can’t take back or change. I feel like I’d rather be with someone i feel nothing for then to try to be with the person i do because i’m too scared to be happy. That’s why i hide my feelings for him. I’m with someone. And I’m scared if i let him know. I’ll get hurt again.