How I Got My Anxiety Disorder at School

Warning, this will be quite long, and also, I’m just 12 years old.

I used to have a best friend, who I told everything. And by everything, I mean it. Let’s call her Luna. Luna was my best friend since 1st grade, we loved each other and we never fought. But at the end of 5th grade she moved to Australia. When she left, we had a girl who we used to hang out with who we’ll call Talia. I lost my best friend so I was feeling very alone, she’s the only person that truly understood me. I trusted in Talia and told her all my secrets, anxieties, thoughts, feelings, etc. But then, she turned her back on me. Talia revealed everything about me and then she started talking s*** about me. She stopped hanging out with me and when I waved my hand at hair, she just stared and ignored me. I don’t know why she turned so rude but there’s these 3 other girls who are friends with her. So they all started treating me like garbage. They kept on spreading rumors, which I really have no idea why they do that. Is it fun making others’ lives hell? Anyways, they kept on bothering me and then I was happy. I was really happy, want to know why? Well, I got a boyfriend. We’ll call him Ross. To be honest, Ross was quite the creep. He had a moustache, and he was 12 years old! I mean, what the hell! He was the tallest kid in our grade, and his voice was all squeaky. But I was in love, so I didn’t care. This guy was a pervert too, but I didn’t care either. He introduced me to Discord, which I’m sure y’all know what it is. He had some pervert friends. I found out Ross claimed to be 14 years old, just so he could fit in. He had this Mexican 16 year old friend, who we will call Max. He had this another 14 year old couple too. Both from Peru. And this girl who was never online, Antonella. So Max started texting me in private and sending me naked anime girls. I was trying to fit in for my boyfriend but one day, my mother caught me talking to him and she took away my phone. She said she wasn’t giving it back until I explained. I burst into tears and told her everything and then she told me we would get through it together but she took all my savings, which was upsetting. I broke up with my boyfriend, but I felt sorry for him. I forgave him. When we dated again, he asked to see me in a bikini. I wanted to please him so I took a photo of myself in the beach and he shared it with some kids in the school, which showed it to others, and them went to others. And you know, everyone knew of the photo when the day was over. I was really angry at him, but he said his phone got hacked and I somehow believed him, which was very stupid. We broke up and then got back together. For the third time, we were dating and were ”happy”, but then, at one party, I saw his phone and he was chatting with that girl Antonella in Whatsapp. I kept scrolling until I saw:

Antonella: What do you think of Evelyn? (Me)
Ross: Oh her? Well, she’s just a selfish b****
Ross: Lol
Antonella: Lmao, she’s such a s***!
Ross: I know, right?

I was so angry, I showed him the conversation and asked:

”What is this?”
”Oh, um. That was a long time ago”
”Yeah sure, we’re done.”

Then I just left the party in tears and locked myself in the room. That was the first time where I’ve cut myself. I wanted to end myself. I grabbed an old rope I saw and hung it, but I just couldn’t. I was afraid. I just kept thinking how weak I was. After a few hours I got a text from Ross. He was apologizing and he said that I was being dramatic and that it was just a joke. I, once again, foolishly believed him and then we got back together. The fourth time we were going out, I asked myself. Could he possibly be using me? Does he really feel something? I wasn’t sure but I tried to ignore that thought and succeeded. One day, we were alone and no one was watching. He pushed me into a wall.

”What are you doing??”

I asked, trying to free myself.

”I’m just trying to make me happy”

He licked my neck and then I stood pale. He was using me.

I kicked him in the balls and then he slapped me really hard. I was really scared. He told me that if I moved, he would hit me harder. He took off my clothes and then I managed to distract him, while he was distracted, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself. I cried for hours, I was just sitting there, half naked, all wet from the tears. I called my mom and then she said that she would take care of it. We talked to the school and they ”talked to their parents”. We found out just now they never talked to them. After that, I always wore long hoodies and ugly clothes. I then was like the joke of the year. I was so depressed that I started gaining weight, a lot of weight. (We’re getting professional help right now, so don’t worry). I got through it, since I’m really that ”forgive and forget person”. I don’t mean I forgave him, I mean that I let it slip, didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, even though it really affected me.

After all that s***, I met someone called James. James was tall but he was really handsome. He never actually listened to me, but he was funny and kind. At first. Then, in our conversations, he started talking about sexual stuff. Which was really inappropriate. I played it cool, talked dirty to fit in. He then made a ”joke” about he and me making love on top of a bus. I hated it, but I tried to not be rude and be like the ”boring weird ugly girl” so I just awkwardly laughed. Then, he began to tell a few of his friends, 4-5 kids.

”Oh look! It’s the ”on-top-of-the-bus girl”.

These kids were all 5th graders, so it grossed me out. I just went along with it, but after the second week, it started annoying me. I hated being the ”on-top-of-the-bus-girl”. I told James multiple times that he had to stop, but he just thought it was all a joke. Then, I was seating in the school’s theater, and I had the bad luck that James was sitting right in front of me. He said that ”on-top-of-the-bus” thing many times. And then I was like:

Alright, that’s it!

I grabbed his eyeglasses and hid them in my sleeve. I said that I had tossed them into the garbage. When the play was done, I went to the library, since it was recess, and just chilled with my portable computer. That used to be my recess cycle. Then I saw one of James friends and he said:

”Look, there’s the ”on-top-of-the-bus-girl” hahah!”

I rolled my eyes being annoyed and then I saw it. There were more than 25 kids, surrounding me. All 5th graders. They all started yelling at me to give the glasses back. They even threatened to throw my computer into the garbage like I did with his glasses. James started saying things like:

”Ugh, you’re such a waste of time. Just give them already!”
”What do you not understand of ”give me my glasses, you c***?”

I was scared and about to cry. The librarian heard the screams and she asked what was going on. I explained to her in private, I was really close to crying. She then told James to apologize. The other kids started yelling at me, like if it was my fault:

”He won’t apologize!”
Said one
”It’s her fault!”
Said the other
”She’s a dumb b****!”

I felt some tears rolling down my cheeks but I managed to keep it together. I heard one girl whisper to James:

”Just apologize and we’ll all go. I’m bored.”

He then sighed, rolled his eyes and apologized. I then gave him his glasses and he left with the crowd of kids. That was the worst thing that happened to me. I went to the bathroom and called my mom. She was furious. She immediately called the school, the school said they were going to call the parents but we found out they never did. My parents told me that I was going to homeschool. I was relieved. After a few weeks, my parents called me with some news. They told me that I was moving to another school!

At first I was excited, but then I just started worrying. What if the same thing happened? I then freaked out. I once again, cut myself. But then I met these new kids, they seem really nice, but I don’t trust them. I don’t trust anyone. They wanted to throw me a welcome party but maybe they wanted to use me, reveal my secrets or publicly humiliate me. I met a teen who was about to graduate from this new school. He moved from my school too. He understood me. Then he told me that life is really good here, people are really nice. I trust him. I’m currently really excited about moving. So that’s my horrible story.