Hello readers. I hope I don’t come off as complaining, my life has been nothing but filled with love from my family. I just have issues I want to get off my chest, but I become disheartened to change because I feel like at 20 years old I have no one to relate to. I am a 20 year old junior in community college who has not gone out much. It is funny because as a child I used to sing and act on stage (although, I was not very good at it). I enjoyed the brief time I used to spend with friends I would make during these points, but they would always end very quickly with me never talking with them again. Some part of me wanted it to be that way since I never felt like I have ever contributed anything meaningful to anyone’s life enough to maintain a friendship. I also have always pressured myself to change for other people because I feel afraid to make anyone angry (I know I am a gutless, over-pampered adult). There are times where someone will want to hang out with me. I agree that we should in text, but I usually don’t take them up on it or remind them of hanging out because I am not comfortable doing anything, mostly because I grew up very sheltered. I became homeschooled in the 7th grade and stopped hanging out with anyone other than my family. I am even worried about anonymously writing this message out of fear and shame. I am ashamed that I have not done enough in my life. When I try to build hobbies, I realize just how bad I am at them. I want to go online and maybe meet other people who share my interests, but then it happens. I get scared of people knowing who I am, remembering my face, tearing me down, telling me things I already tell myself, finding out just how ignorant and useless I am. I don’t want them to think that, so I stop myself. I don’t want to just be a dangling wisp among others. If I am not good enough to contribute to something to a conversation, I stay away. I feel like I am an impostor. I was never good at school, I have always had issues talking with others, I am afraid of being yelled at and ridiculed (I literally freeze and feel helpless to fight back). I feel that I don’t have a mind of my own, and that sucks. I am sick and tired of being afraid. No one is going to fight for me, but my dumb self won’t fess up to that. I am angry with myself, but I am more afraid than I am angry. So yeah, I am a 20 year old ignoramus with nothing to show for my life. If I drop dead right now, I would have contributed nothing. I have never had a job because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. I tell myself that I am too dumb and unorganized to follow through with anything. I am more annoying than anything else. My parents want me to focus on school, but what’s the use of school if I can’t even handle asking my teachers.
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