Hello readers. I hope I don’t come off as complaining, my life has been nothing but filled with love from my family. I just have issues I want to get off my chest, but I become disheartened to change because I feel like at 20 years old I have no one to relate to. I am a 20 year old junior in community college who has not gone out much. It is funny because as a child I used to sing and act on stage (although, I was not very good at it). I enjoyed the brief time I used to spend with friends I would make during these points, but they would always end very quickly with me never talking with them again. Some part of me wanted it to be that way since I never felt like I have ever contributed anything meaningful to anyone’s life enough to maintain a friendship. I also have always pressured myself to change for other people because I feel afraid to make anyone angry (I know I am a gutless, over-pampered adult). There are times where someone will want to hang out with me. I agree that we should in text, but I usually don’t take them up on it or remind them of hanging out because I am not comfortable doing anything, mostly because I grew up very sheltered. I became homeschooled in the 7th grade and stopped hanging out with anyone other than my family. I am even worried about anonymously writing this message out of fear and shame. I am ashamed that I have not done enough in my life. When I try to build hobbies, I realize just how bad I am at them. I want to go online and maybe meet other people who share my interests, but then it happens. I get scared of people knowing who I am, remembering my face, tearing me down, telling me things I already tell myself, finding out just how ignorant and useless I am. I don’t want them to think that, so I stop myself. I don’t want to just be a dangling wisp among others. If I am not good enough to contribute to something to a conversation, I stay away. I feel like I am an impostor. I was never good at school, I have always had issues talking with others, I am afraid of being yelled at and ridiculed (I literally freeze and feel helpless to fight back). I feel that I don’t have a mind of my own, and that sucks. I am sick and tired of being afraid. No one is going to fight for me, but my dumb self won’t fess up to that. I am angry with myself, but I am more afraid than I am angry. So yeah, I am a 20 year old ignoramus with nothing to show for my life. If I drop dead right now, I would have contributed nothing. I have never had a job because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. I tell myself that I am too dumb and unorganized to follow through with anything. I am more annoying than anything else. My parents want me to focus on school, but what’s the use of school if I can’t even handle asking my teachers.
No-name says
You see my friend I have the same issue as you do and I can relate to it. Everything you just said basically summarized what it feels like being in that situation. There is no cure to it because the cure itself is the problem and I have been suffering from this situation for like 4 years now. Please cheer up because you are not the only one with this type of disorder/disease.
Lauren O'Donnell says
I don’t have a phobia of social interactions, but I feel like I can relate. I have ADHD and ODD and sometimes social interactions don’t go the way I want them to and I feel really embarrassed. So I know how you feel. If you ever want to talk, just text me and let me know it’s you.