Psychosis

Um, a little weird and small story time?

Hi :D

I am someone who’s clinically diagnosed with depressive psychosis and it was something that I had to face, alone, because my parents were directly and indirectly the cause of it and they used to mock me as someone who had mental issues and for the record, I had severe depression and anxiety since a young age.

The most common misconception people have is that a person with psychosis = psychotic patient. That’s true, however a psychotic patient doesn’t necessarily mean a patient that is, I mean not insane x2 but just insane.

Well, the part that makes me not insane x2 is that I am in fact still capable of blending in with the normal people and try to lead a normal life but the insane part is that I often have thought voices for the 2 personalities in me (a total of 3, including myself as a persona) and also, I see hallucinations, anywhere everywhere, all day all night.

It’s a little scary at first and um, it’s weird and hard to explain but in the beginning episodes of my psychosis was getting worse, I had really gory thoughts of people being abused and there were blood everywhere (I was abused as a child if that explains why).

Then, here comes the 2 personalities which I identify as the 2 different age groups of me (I had to suppress myself and obey if that explains) because both personalities, they have different maturity level of thoughts but it is strange that they think a little similar to how I would think and they have never given me any ideas of harming myself.

After the 2 personalities are introduced, here comes panic attacks. Okay so, this is even more strange alright, my psychologist couldn’t understand why either. Panic attacks usually do not have any triggers, right? Well, mine does. Strangely but yes. So, somehow somewhere in my head, the 2 personas are “fighting”.

What happens next is that I’d start feeling weak on my legs, my feet would tingle and I’d start having horrific flashbacks of me being beaten up and yea. I get that even in public, out of nowhere, I’d be able to hold myself for a short while (reflex stuff since young?), find a quiet place and then just let it happen. I used to cut myself to feel pain just to remind myself that I’m in control but I was tired of leaving markings on my body so I just go crazy with my mind these days whenever I get a panic attack. Uh, if you want to doubt my story, I’ve had multiple panic attacks during appointments with my psychologist and all she could say is “I’m pretty sure it’s panic attacks but I don’t know how”.

I realize I haven’t said anything about hallucinations so.. Okay um, so my hallucinations begins right at the beginning of the gory thoughts area. I was in class and I saw this weird black alien-like thingy at the top of a shelf of my class. It had 8 eyes but I thought it was just my eyes so I didn’t bother much and slowly, it became black figures or detailed faces with eyes and mouth, no nose tho.

At the beginning I was like okay, it’s probably my head messing with me and that was when my friends made me seek help. So, my psychiatrist gave me medications and even though the hallucinations stayed, my other conditions were doing alright and so, I took the meds for 6 months straight.

Once, I had run out of medications and my psychiatrist moved my appointment slot to the next day and so I thought “it’s just a day, you’re gonna be alright”. I was wrong, everything hit double as hard. Panic attacks for me, usually lasted for an hour, 3 times a day, it was lasting for 1 hour 30 minutes minimum and it was just continuous. So like 90 minutes of panic attacks, 10-20 mins of cooldown and then the next wave again. The next day, I told the psychiatrist that I did not wish to be on that medication again because the side effects of not being on it was that traumatizing for me.

I had to mention the story part of my medication so you guys would understand the story. Okay so, like I’ve told you all, the medications didn’t work on the hallucinations (he gave me pills for anxiety and depression, that’s why) and the hallucinations were such mean people, they kept scaring me and I legit thought they liked doing it. One day, it annoyed me so badly while I was doing work, I just thought to myself, what’s up with you all scaring me. Then they disappeared. So I thought I was really insane this time and I waited for another to come out and I decided to scold it “what’s your problem with me doing my work now?” and it disappeared again! And that’s the story of how I realized I could scold my hallucinations and they’d disappear. Scary at first but funny and 15/10 I don’t recommend you to do it. It works for me but it might be bad for you or whoever you wanna give this advice to. Please don’t try it.

I tried to write it as fun as possible but hey, psychosis is a really bad mental health problem and please encourage people who suspects themselves to have any mental health issues, to seek help immediately. Don’t be like me guys. I dragged and delayed it for like a year.

A little on my condition, I have depressive anxiety (social and generalized anxiety included), eating disorder, bipolar and depressive psychosis. I am still being monitored for a few possible ones (split personality disorder which is the most obvious one and some others).

I’m currently on my 12th year of depression and anxiety, 8th year of bipolar, 7th year of eating disorder and 2nd year of psychosis.

I’ve just turned 20.

Please seek help if you suspect anything :)