How do I start? I’m asking myself.
I feel like I only have me because I feel so alone in this scary, scary world – even though I have my incredibly caring children, grandkids, husband and selected friends around me.
I have an immense fear of dying like how my mother died.
I’m 49 years old and mum died when she was 52 of stomach cancer.
All my life I have had intense fears so debilitating that it’s been difficult for me to truly let go and enjoy life.
The ridicule growing up from my family and bullying from school has been pretty hard to deal with but I toughened up.
Many years of being so petrified of the dark that I would be immobilized.
So petrified of being murdered when I was a child that I would sleep on the floor next to my brothers bed in his room and get up to go back to my own bed before anyone woke up to tease me.
Carrying a knife with me at all times to protect myself from the person that was going to try and kill me.
Those fears are now gone but only replaced by new ones.
I used to have a photography business and the fear of failure was so intense that I had to stop.
It reinforces the feeling of failure within myself by quitting which doesn’t help the situation.
But my fear of death is pretty bad.
It’s nearly minute by minute from the moment I wake to the moment I finally close my eyes and go to sleep.
I fear dying like my mum and lose everything.
I won’t get to see my grandkids grow up, I won’t get to see my son get married or my daughter get married.
I won’t get to grow old with my husband whom is my life.
I find myself drifting away thinking about what my funeral will be like and thinking about what people are going to be like once I die.
“She was such a wonderful person. She was so funny or nice or devoted etc etc”
Then I realize I’m thinking like this and I make myself come to my senses.
I can’t go on a holiday or do anything that I really want in life because my thoughts are that I will die once i have achieved what i really want.
Every time I actually truly feel happiness the death thoughts push their way in.
When mum died, everyone had their reasons why she died.
Smoking, anger, depression, bitterness etc.
I was brought up that only the good die young and everyone raves on at their funeral about how that person was such a wonderful person. Nobody says “she/he was an arsehole”
I’m a nice person. I’m sensitive. Respectful helpful etc etc. does that mean I’m going to die young?
Mum was skinny. As soon as I start losing weight from watching what I eat, I then eat to put weight back on so as not to be like mum and then hate my weight.
Mum smoked. I smoke but I hate it. I can’t give it up because it makes me feel like I fit in with society but I want to be like everyone that fits in that doesn’t smoke.
If I hear myself talk like mum I instantly change so as not to die like mum.
If someone tells me I look so much like my mother I instantly go into panic.
I have raised my children completely opposite to my mother because I don’t want to die like her and it took their step dad to pull them back in line.
I won’t dress like her, have the same hair as her, talk like her, talk about her or have pictures of her.
The fear is so very immense that I don’t even remember her even existing in my life even though she died when I was 32.
So I drink because it masks my emotions. I smoke because it calms me down.
If I hear of anyone talking about death I avoid it like the plague.
If anyone talks about cancer I go into panic mode thinking I have the same sickness.
I take lots of natural potions to ward off that cancer until the next cancer victim is mentioned and it’s a whole new set of natural potions because “all pharmaceuticals kill you” someone said that and I believed them now I can’t take the chance that it’s not real.
When will this end. I’m tired but not too tired because I have to be aware at all times in case it gets me when I’m not aware!
How do I start? I’m asking myself.