Hello, my name is Mia. I experience Aphenphosmphobia and Philophobia (Fear of Touch/Intimacy and Love). I used to be super depressed from the ages of 8-13. The reason for this was because I was bullied and also bullied others, mostly my best friend. I used to hate seeing her smile, which she rarely did, and told her that I would kill her once she hit 16, making every day of living for her difficult. That was the most prominent instance of my fear taking action. I’ve always been quite narcissistic and possessive over items, willing to hurt people to get what I want. One of the things I wanted was a boy. I liked him from when I was 4 or 5 years old to when I was 14 or 15 years old, 10 years of liking him. He had known that I liked him since I first met him (I asked to marry him several times throughout the years). I never really thought that there was anything wrong with me for the longest time until I was diagnosed with NPD (Narcissist) and ASPD (Sociopath) at 18 (long after all of these instances). I liked this boy for 10 years and all I used to do was punch him, slap him, kick him, etc. until he would cry (this started when I was 5). He moved away when I was 15 and it absolutely broke my heart into pieces and I flunked my sophomore year’s second semester and had to take summer schooling. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to make any friends though I am very energetic and try to be attentive towards people.
Now: I am 19 now and still have not had any love interests, friends, or acquaintances. I don’t really trust any of my 7 siblings and only confide in my mom, who I happen to be overly-dependent on when it comes to emotions. I also have just recently recovered from bulimia, which also contributes to my fear of relationships. I can normally maintain conversation, but sometimes it gets too intimate or personal and I start sweating, get really flushed, experience sickness, and have weakness in my arms and neck.
Additional Thoughts: I am really trying to overcome my fear by meeting new people and currently have a therapist that I can talk to aside from my mother.