Reading about phobias and what happens during a break down isn’t something I’m extremely proud of. It’s taken everything out of me to be able to live a normal life. Everyday I have new fears, new anxieties.
27 years I have lived with severe eczema. Hundreds of trips to the doctor, thousands of dollars spent on treatments. Why am I telling you this? Imagine the feeling of hundreds of bugs crawling over your body, all day. Everyday and night.
I loose sleep, I feel like I’m loosing my family.
Anyways coming back to right now. I have lived with a large fear of bugs, all bugs any bugs. If it crawls, I will be afraid. In fact, in my teen years, I had a note outside of my room saying “no bugs allowed” it never really occurred to me how serious this fear was.
When I see a mosquito flying near me, I panic and get extremely itchy. It gets to the point that if one is in my house and I can’t find it, I will hide under my blanket until my husband kills it. Even after that I feel like I’m not safe.
Funny thing is, since I have eczema, Mosquitos have never liked my blood. They don’t bite me. I can’t remember a time when I was bit by one to be honest. It’s the vision people have given me, that makes me feel like they are biting me. Silly to think it. Silly to feel it.
Today I broke down.
My husband took my daughter, step son and nephew down to the river to visit a friend for a few hours. I however stayed back because well.. bugs.
I was nice and comfy in my comfort zone, my bed.
They came home all happy and telling me stories of what they did and I had asked if they had checked to see if they had any ticks on them (where I live, ticks are the worst this time of year) and of course, Not thinking, my husband says no.
He right away takes my daughter’s hat off and looks through her hair. 6 ticks! On her neck.
2 on her feet.
My nephew kept pulling them off of him as well and flicked one off of the bed he was sitting on.
My mind immediately goes crazy! My worst fear is ticks. The thought of them, the sight of them. Gives me an all around itchy feeling. And it takes me a long time to calm down. 6 ticks! I couldn’t believe it. I was so afraid. I would go outside on my patio and sit on the chair while smoking and cry my head off. At that point, any bug I saw in that moment freaked me out. I stood there frozen. Afraid.
I came back inside and cried some more. I finally said it. “I am never leaving my house again, I want winter back. Outside has literally been ruined for me”.
As I sit here typing this out, I am in my bed, heavy blanket on for security, in the dark. While my family plays fearlessly outside. I don’t even want to imagine the image I have given my 4 year old. “Your mom is afraid of something so small, how does that make you feel”.
It makes me feel like such a failure as a mother, a wife. It’s ruined me. I’m so afraid :(
A little about me. I hate living like this. I want to be able to live a normal happy life again. I used to LOVE camping, now the thought of it makes me sick.
I want help, I want to help myself but I feel like I’m too far gone to help myself and I need a professional. That’s a huge step for me to say. Because all this time I wanted to do it myself. I can’t anymore. It’s too hard to do on my own.
Thanks for reading. Xxx