Reading about phobias and what happens during a break down isn’t something I’m extremely proud of. It’s taken everything out of me to be able to live a normal life. Everyday I have new fears, new anxieties.
27 years I have lived with severe eczema. Hundreds of trips to the doctor, thousands of dollars spent on treatments. Why am I telling you this? Imagine the feeling of hundreds of bugs crawling over your body, all day. Everyday and night.
I loose sleep, I feel like I’m loosing my family.
Anyways coming back to right now. I have lived with a large fear of bugs, all bugs any bugs. If it crawls, I will be afraid. In fact, in my teen years, I had a note outside of my room saying “no bugs allowed” it never really occurred to me how serious this fear was.
When I see a mosquito flying near me, I panic and get extremely itchy. It gets to the point that if one is in my house and I can’t find it, I will hide under my blanket until my husband kills it. Even after that I feel like I’m not safe.
Funny thing is, since I have eczema, Mosquitos have never liked my blood. They don’t bite me. I can’t remember a time when I was bit by one to be honest. It’s the vision people have given me, that makes me feel like they are biting me. Silly to think it. Silly to feel it.
Today I broke down.
My husband took my daughter, step son and nephew down to the river to visit a friend for a few hours. I however stayed back because well.. bugs.
I was nice and comfy in my comfort zone, my bed.
They came home all happy and telling me stories of what they did and I had asked if they had checked to see if they had any ticks on them (where I live, ticks are the worst this time of year) and of course, Not thinking, my husband says no.
He right away takes my daughter’s hat off and looks through her hair. 6 ticks! On her neck.
2 on her feet.
My nephew kept pulling them off of him as well and flicked one off of the bed he was sitting on.
My mind immediately goes crazy! My worst fear is ticks. The thought of them, the sight of them. Gives me an all around itchy feeling. And it takes me a long time to calm down. 6 ticks! I couldn’t believe it. I was so afraid. I would go outside on my patio and sit on the chair while smoking and cry my head off. At that point, any bug I saw in that moment freaked me out. I stood there frozen. Afraid.
I came back inside and cried some more. I finally said it. “I am never leaving my house again, I want winter back. Outside has literally been ruined for me”.
As I sit here typing this out, I am in my bed, heavy blanket on for security, in the dark. While my family plays fearlessly outside. I don’t even want to imagine the image I have given my 4 year old. “Your mom is afraid of something so small, how does that make you feel”.
It makes me feel like such a failure as a mother, a wife. It’s ruined me. I’m so afraid :(
A little about me. I hate living like this. I want to be able to live a normal happy life again. I used to LOVE camping, now the thought of it makes me sick.
I want help, I want to help myself but I feel like I’m too far gone to help myself and I need a professional. That’s a huge step for me to say. Because all this time I wanted to do it myself. I can’t anymore. It’s too hard to do on my own.
Thanks for reading. Xxx
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering from this phobia. Where do you live? Where I live in CT, there are some amazing treatment facilities for anxiety disorders and phobias. I went through successful phobia treatment a year ago and it has changed my life. I wish the best to you.
So weird! I just had a tick on me an hour ago. I was sitting down and I pulled my shorts up on my thigh and there it was! Never had one before this. At first I thought it may be dirt, but I saw legs. OMFG. I’ve hoped and hoped I’d never experience this. When I first moved to an area with woods near by, I knew the chances of running into a tick were there, and I was terrified. Just looking at a picture of one boroughed into a person’s skin online is enough to make me itch. I was so freaked out by this tick, I almost cried. My voice shook as my fiance used a tweezer to get the thing out. I’m still itchy. I want to shave my hair off, because now all I can think about is one being in my freaking scalp. I’m already terrified of bugs, but a bug that can go into my skin, is even freaking worse. UGH
I have a huge fear like you. I hate going outside but i try. I do right now. I’m at a camp for kids and adults and i’m freaking out.
I recently viewed a post on Facebook about a man who had slept outdoors in the open. He awoke with about 100 ticks fully engorged and tightly grouped on his neck. I was fascinated and took a couple of screenshots to keep. I kept looking at them, aware of my morbid obsession, which was getting worse until one night, I was kept awake by my horror of ticks. Even looking at my fingernails reminds me of them. It’s not Lyme disease that I’m afraid, just the vile memory of them. What can I do?