This is a reader’s personal account, edited for readability and privacy. Ages and circumstances refer to the time of submission. It is not a clinical assessment.
Our son married, and arguments followed. Parents did everything they could in terms of getting the couple counselling but nothing helped and irreconcilable differences prevailed. He then met a girlfriend online soon after the marriage ended.
I understood that she had difficult living circumstances too. I worried that the relationship had moved quickly and that my son hoped it would solve his difficulties. Those were my impressions; I cannot establish her motives.
Two months into the relationship, GF informed him of pregnancy. I did not think he was emotionally prepared to become a father. Too much occurring, too fast. He had not properly processed his failed marriage.
The couple came to our home to announce the pregnancy. The dread of facing parents was evident in our son as he not only seemed to be in an animated state but was unable to make eye contact with parents. I interpreted his reaction as distress, but could not know exactly what he was experiencing.
Parents accepted the news graciously, congratulated the couple and hugged them but later contact became increasingly difficult.
The first inkling we got that something was not right was when we weren’t informed of the birth of our grandchild. I felt relatives were keeping us apart and reinforcing his fears because: “You never know what Mom might do”.
I came to call this “parent phobia”, though that was my own explanation rather than a diagnosis established here.
Fourteen years later, we have yet to meet our grandchildren.
The relationship later ended, and my son was caring for the children. I understood that he was no longer employed and had moved to a more isolated setting. I linked those changes to stress and fear, but I could not assess the causes from outside his life.
A few years ago, I found the nerve to knock on his door to ask for a hug. It was then I realized how serious his state of mind was.
Learning it was mom at the door, he responded as one would to an attacker. I described what I saw as panic and anger. Raging, screaming, lip quivering, panicked, he called 911. I was read the riot act and informed that if I ever contacted him again, I would be arrested and charged.
I spent years searching for an explanation and felt the phrase “parent phobia” described it. I felt excluded from love and family, and the separation from the grandchildren was painful. These are my feelings and interpretation, not proof of a mental health condition or abuse by someone else. Any time we deliver Christmas gifts to our Grandchildren, he throws the gifts away and summons the police. We have been threatened with arrest. That’s how bad a PHOBIA can become. I believed he was receiving mental health treatment, but did not have a full account of his care.
I struggled to understand how his daily life had changed from when he was working. I felt helpless and frustrated because we had been told not to contact him. I wanted to help and wanted a relationship with the family, but my wish for contact did not tell me what support he needed or override the boundary we had been given.
Editorial note
An adult’s decision not to have contact is not, by itself, evidence of a phobia or abuse. A diagnostic label should not be used to override another person’s boundaries. Family distress may benefit from support for the person seeking help, while any questions about legal restrictions or access require qualified local advice rather than conclusions from a story.
An online story cannot establish a diagnosis. If fear or distress is affecting your daily life, a qualified healthcare professional can help assess it. Comments and readers’ experiences are not a substitute for individual care.
I have a decades long fear of my parents due to childhood trauma. I fear they -though now dead- are controlling my life and are trying to destroy me. I have OCD, invasive thoughts, know my fears and thoughts are irrational but feel terror a lot of the time.
Hi Anne, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Did you go through it and how did you you do that? Thank you and take care!
I’m 17 and I have a fear of my family because I’ve suffered from abuse. I don’t like being around my family because they’re homophobic and sexist and just straight up assholes, so I get scared because if I come into the living room and a gay moment happens on tv then everyone will target me because I’m a non-binary biromantic demisexual and so anyone throws homophobic slurs at me. When I came out I lost my bedroom and now I sleep on the floor in the laundry room. I get scared because they cant except me and I get scared because I fear that one day they will disown me as soon as I turn 18. I’m not afraid of being kicked out, I’m afraid they will abandon me and leave me alone when I need them the most. They tell everyone I’m a disappointment and then they all target me. That kind of pressure put on me by everyone I know causes me to have panic attacks because I feel their words hitting my chest and putting my head in a tight space where I think the world is watching me and laughing. It’s a hard thing to explain but it hurts.
I’m so sorry to hear that Jamie. I really hope that everything gets better for you and that your family learns to accept you. No one should be treated like that especially by their own family.
I have a fear of my parents. The reason I do is that I suffered from abuse. My parents are ideally strict, but that really didn’t matter. If I don’t follow any rule they set, they punish me by kicking, punching, and even starving me. Last month, I came out that I fell in love with a girl my age. They started to shame me, telling me it wasn’t right to fall in love with the same sex. I began to fear what my parents would do if I ever slept with her. I thought they would kick me out or send me away to live with my grandparents. Now, I fell in love with a guy my age, and they didn’t shame me for that, but they were disappointed because he lived in another state.